Some people believe that shouting, getting angry, demonstrating rage and showing anger is completely justified, because we need to somehow express our dissatisfaction, force those around us to respect us, and convey our thoughts in an aggressive form if it doesn’t work out otherwise. However, anger and irritation, especially when uncontrolled, in most cases distort the perception of things, interfere with getting along with people, become an obstacle to success, harm relationships and negatively affect how others perceive us. Simply put, anger, like any negative emotions and manifestations, must be learned to be controlled. And from this article you will learn how to do it.
Why can't I control my emotions
Before you learn how to control your emotions, you need to find out the reasons that make you break down.
- Psychological characteristics of personality.
- Long-term stress (possibly even postpartum depression).
- Lack of necessary skills and experience in anger management.
- Misperception of situations. It seems to a person that they are trying to insult, humiliate, offend him.
We are certainly influenced by those around us. But the basic patterns of behavior are laid down in childhood and you need to learn how to manage them.
Stressful situation and stress tolerance
People tend to adapt. Stress is the body’s reaction to a demand placed on it. This creates tension that helps overcome difficulties. Constantly controlling emotions and feelings is difficult, but it can be learned.
From the moment stress occurs, the body strives to return to its usual, comfortable state. To do this, you need to figure out how to control your emotions.
It is very important to be able to control your emotions
Based on certain signs, psychologists determine a subject’s resistance to stress and whether he knows how to control and manage his emotions.
- He takes criticism calmly and does not give in to provocation.
- Makes decisions quickly in non-standard conditions.
- Able to control emotions in stressful situations.
- Doesn't get upset or panic if it fails.
- Remains efficient if constantly distracted, pressured, or trying to take control of the process.
- He knows how to abstract himself from conversations that do not affect his life, but can upset him and make him worry.
Anger management is a difficult task for ordinary people. It’s no wonder that dozens of techniques have been developed to help.
What psychology says about verbal aggression towards people
Verbal aggression is a behavior in which all negativity is splashed out through threats, insults, and curses. Having figured out how to learn to control our emotions and feelings, we make our lives easier, become calmer and happier.
We encounter verbal aggression every day: in transport, at work, on the street, at school. Many people do not even try to control anger and irritability, mistaking them for courage and perseverance.
If children were taught from an early age how to control aggression, they would have much fewer problems in adulthood.
There are a number of features that influence the development of aggressiveness:
- vulnerability, self-doubt, constant discomfort;
- tendency to impulsive behavior;
- perception of any stimuli as hostile.
Anger management skills are especially relevant for family relationships. Home is a place where you can relax, gain strength, and prepare for the next day. If there is no opportunity to relax, emotional tension increases and it becomes more difficult to cope with irritation.
Aggression requires motivation and great emotional investment. Its causes are internal and external conflicts. Only after understanding these processes do you begin to understand how to restrain anger and aggression towards people and manage these feelings.
AGGRESSION: FIGHT FOR PARTNERS
Evolutionary psychologists suggest that manifestations of indirect aggression (humiliation, insults and other acts not related to violence) in adolescence are the result of a strategy in the competition between peers for resources, status and sexual partners. Thus, one study (White, Gallup, & Gallup, 2010) tested this hypothesis by collecting data from 143 young people on the frequency of their aggressive behavior against peers and against themselves at school, the time of their first sexual contact, and the number of partners. These data were intended to answer the question of whether aggression in adolescence predicts behavior in adulthood.
It turned out that manifestations of aggression among adolescents are of an intra-gender nature - boys offend boys, and girls offend girls. More aggressive girls acquire a sexual partner earlier than less aggressive girls, and girls who are bullied do so later.
The advent of speech reduced the manifestations of violence, giving rise to indirect aggression - insults, threats and ridicule. Such aggression, however, activates the pain mechanism in the brain, causing actual physical suffering, and is a powerful method of shaping and changing the social environment. The authors conclude that indirect aggression in adolescents is at least predictive of early reproductive life.
White DD, Gallup AC, Gallup GG Indirect peer aggression in adolescence and reproductive behavior // Evol. Psychol. 2010. 8 (1). 49–65.
Stereotype four
Are you angry? Do some sports. Imagine: you are very angry about something. But instead of somehow expressing your aggression, you fall to the floor and start doing push-ups. Comments, I think, are unnecessary.
As for regular exercise as a preventive measure, it seems to me that this is a completely separate conversation. And by the way, there are also aggressive professional athletes.
L.B.:
– When a person plays sports, many hormones are released, including the pleasure hormone. At this moment he experiences “muscular joy.” Competitive sports games are thought to be the best way to deal with anger. Games bring a lot of positive emotions, and besides, there is a physical release of anger.
Stereotype five
Aggressive people cannot be changed. If she, for example, is hysterical, then nothing will help her. Or if he is used to assault, then no one and nothing will change him. There is an excellent parable about this.
One Zen student came to his teacher and asked:
– Master, I can’t control my emotions. I have an explosive temper. How can I get rid of it?
- Wow! Come on, show it to me! Show your character! - answered the teacher. - I want to see him!
“But I won’t be able to do it right now,” said the student.
- Well, okay, you'll show me later. Come as soon as you can.
- But, teacher, I can’t. Outbursts of anger always occur unexpectedly. And I will calm down until I reach you.
“Then it can’t be a part of you.” Otherwise, you could show me your anger at any time. So, whenever negative emotions take over you, hit yourself with a stick! Your “uncontrollable character” will not stand it and will run away,” the teacher said, smiling.
L.B.:
– In this case, as in the joke: “How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?” - “One, if the light bulb is ready to change.” No person can be changed if he himself does not want it. If a person has a desire to change, then there are many techniques for working with anger. First of all, you need to learn to track such states of yours. For example, when reflecting aggression, pay attention to the muscles of the abdomen and arms, relax them. Our body directly affects our emotions. By changing body position, we change emotions.
In the small Dutch town of Detinchem you can see an unusual structure. Some call it a giant tooth. But in fact, this twelve-meter thing is called the Tower of Emotions. It was created to reflect the thoughts, feelings and mood of the city's residents.
To do this, they answer special questions in a questionnaire posted on the Internet. One recruited group of people answers them within six months. Then another group of volunteers is recruited and the questions are repeated. All answers are analyzed by a special program. According to the results of the analysis, the Tower of Emotions lights up every day in one of four colors: red means that love reigns in the city today; blue - happiness; yellow – fear; green – hatred.
How to learn to manage anger
Dr. Williams Redford, MD, has developed a technique that explains how to learn to control anger and irritation.
- Write down everything you don't like throughout the day.
- Admit to yourself that you cannot control your emotions and anger.
- Don't turn away from your loved ones. Their support is especially needed.
- In a stressful situation, try to stop and breathe deeply.
- Step into your opponent's shoes.
- Laughter is a unique form of anger control.
- Trust and listen to others.
- Anger management will be easier if you relax more often, listen to music, and walk in the fresh air.
- Forgive others for their shortcomings.
Stages of anger management
Anger in psychology is a protest experience. It is expressed in verbal insults, arguments, and assault. When we find ourselves in an unpleasant situation, we go through the stages of anger:
- negation;
- anger;
- bargain;
- depression;
- humility.
This is how our mind adapts to new conditions. Having learned to control his emotions, a person breaks this order and finds balance.
Anger management when pride is hurt
Anger that arises in response to criticism or humiliation is called narcissistic by psychologists. The majority’s reaction to it is predictable: people turn into children who push away the offender and shout to him: “You’re like that!” Those who are more restrained and rational have another desire - to try to explain themselves, to point out to their counterpart that he was mistaken in his criticism, to get him to change his mind.
Unfortunately, these tactics most often do not work. If you lose your temper, the matter will escalate into a conflict in which your offender is unlikely to admit that you are right. If you start explaining yourself, you will most likely be considered a bore and will hardly be listened to.
What does it look like in life
Let’s imagine a husband and father (well, let’s say Kolya), who returns home after a day of work, sees wallpaper painted by children, a tired wife Nastya, and in addition discovers a mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen. “You’ve been sitting at home all day, couldn’t you at least wash the dishes?!” - he flashes.
Nastya predictably boils in response. She wants to shout: “You can’t! Try to “stay at home” yourself, I’ll see how you cope with two children, run shopping with them, feed everyone, read a book with them, hang out the laundry!” In the heat of the moment, Nastya is ready to list to Kolya all the housework she does, but he doesn’t notice.
And, at first glance, Nastya is right. But if she gives vent to her indignation, this will only worsen the conflict.
What to do
Understand that anger in this case is a secondary feeling. Most likely, Nastya’s indignation hides not anger at her husband at all, but two other feelings.
Sadness
Sadness because a loved one sees Nastya not as she would like to look in his eyes. Not a wife who puts a lot of effort into creating a “reliable rear” for her husband and being a good mother for their common children, but a lazy person and a slob.
If this is the case, then the best solution is to voice your true emotion. Tell Kolya: “I’m very upset that you’re scolding me.” Most likely, he will answer: “And what do you think I’m wrong about?!” And only now comes the moment when Nastya makes sense to indulge in explanations, because Kolya has expressed his readiness to listen to her.
Fear
This feeling is also often hidden behind narcissistic anger. Nastya is worried: if Kolya really considers her a slob, what if he doesn’t want to live with her anymore? What if he starts looking for another woman?
If Nastya is really afraid of separation, she again needs to voice her feelings. For example, ask: “You say that... Does this mean you love me less?”
To this Kolya can answer: “I love you, but I’m so tired after work. I just want to come to a clean house where I’m greeted with dinner.” From an aggressor in Nastya’s eyes, Kolya will turn into what he is - a tired man who nevertheless loves her and the children. The fear will dissipate, and with it the anger will go away. And life’s problems can be solved without raising their voices at each other.
Holding your feelings in is not always helpful and can lead to other problems. However, it's good to know that you still have a choice in how you respond.
Ilse Sand
How to contain aggression
Having understood the causes of irritation, it will be easier for a person to restrain anger and aggression. Become aware of negative emotions. This way you will take control of them into your own hands. Take a deep breath and count to ten. This will distract you and relieve some stress.
Listen to your opponent and consider his words. Perhaps there is some common sense in them. Try to understand the motives. At this stage, most already manage to manage anger and irritation. Ask yourself “what is the best way out of the situation?” Calmly and confidently offer a solution to the conflict.
The Nature of Anger
When we feel danger, irritation or encounter another obstacle, our brain activates the production of adrenaline in the body. It is this hormone that makes us furious and desires cruel revenge.
It arose among us for the simplest reason - because of the need for self-defense. Anger, the psychology of which is surprising, can turn the most calm and peaceful into a killing machine.
That is why it is worth paying attention to learning to control yourself and your thoughts.
How to deal with your own irritation
It is not enough to know how to manage anger. It is important not to be afraid to put theory into practice. The direct path to breakdowns is constant irritation. If dangerous situations cannot be avoided, you will have to constantly work on yourself.
- Relieve pent-up stress at the gym. Exercising in the fresh air works especially well.
- Every day, for at least half an hour, stay alone and put your thoughts in order.
- Find a way to completely relax: yoga, massage, aromatherapy.
- A simple piece of paper and pencil will help control anger. Draw a caricature of the offender and make fun of the image from your heart.
- If you can’t contain your anger, throw it out on paper. Write about everything that annoys you, without mincing words. On the third or fourth page, it will become easier to control your anger. Don't forget to burn this piece.
- Ignore everything and everyone who evokes negative feelings. When communicating with such people, remember something pleasant.
- If it is impossible to contain your anger at home, start cleaning, washing, cleaning. If all the work has already been done, but the negativity remains, direct the energy to yourself: get a manicure, a face mask, lie in the bath.
Each of us is the master of our own feelings. Only by recognizing our own imperfections do we take the first step towards managing anger, and psychology gives us practical advice. Everyone’s task is to use them wisely.
MAKE FRIENDS WITH EMOTIONS
First rule
, which helps you make friends with your emotions: when you feel anger, irritation or anger, try to analyze what need is behind this feeling and to whom, to what person it is directed. Having realized this, you can already think about how to resolve the situation.
Rule number two:
remember that an emotion cannot be good or bad. Often, when we say that anger is bad, we do not mean the emotion itself, but the form of its expression. One person, expressing anger, will throw things against the wall or hit them in the eye, another will bark something in the heat of the moment, a third will frown and stop talking, and so on. The method of expression must always be adequate to the situation and environment. And it’s much more productive to think about this question than about how to get rid of your emotions.
Lyudmila Boldyreva,
coach, psychologist, business trainer
How to learn to meditate
Meditation is the oldest spiritual practice. Its healing effect has been proven not only on the psyche, but also on the body. Harmonization of all internal processes improves well-being and helps to calmly experience the most critical situations. You don’t have to attend expensive courses to learn the basics. There are some techniques that are easy to learn on your own.
A quiet corner in nature is perfect
Try it yourself
Think about a time in your life when you became angry and violent. It is best if the incident occurred recently.
Step 1
-Keep quiet and close your eyes before remembering the incident. Spend 10 minutes on this.
Step 2
— Fill out the guide form below.
| Event (What happened?) | Trigger (What made you angry?) | Emotions (How did you feel?) | Sensation (how does your body react?) | Thoughts (What's on your mind?) | Behavior (what was your reaction?) | Consequence (What was the result of your reaction?) |
There are many common beliefs and myths regarding anger. Let's break down these myths and find out what the facts are.
Myth 1: Expressing my anger relaxes me.
It's not healthy to keep it.
Fact.
There is a saying that holding onto anger is like holding hot coals in your hands. Anger should be exhausted, but not aggressive. This will only lead to further confrontations.
Myth 2 - My aggressive behavior attracts attention, respect and obedience.
Fact
— The power of influence depends on understanding a person, and not on intimidating him. You can bully people into submission, but they won't respect you and will eventually leave you if you can't tolerate opposing points of view.
Myth 3 - I can't control my anger
Fact
— Like any other emotion, anger is also a result of the situation in which you find yourself. Analyzing a situation from several possible perspectives avoids misjudgments and prevents anger.
Myth 4 – Anger management means learning to suppress your anger.
Fact
-Anger should neither be suppressed nor repressed, rather it should be expressed in a non-violent and constructive manner. This is what Anger Management teaches people to do.
Chronic anger can have many short-term and long-term harmful effects on your health, social life, and love life. Apart from losing friends and breaking down relationships every day, anger also leads to a general feeling of mistrust and loss of peace.
Anger affects your personal life.
Intense anger makes it difficult for people to interact with you or feel comfortable around you. Explosive displays of anger also frighten the child's psyche for life.
External factors such as personal problems with others, debt, disappointment, unfavorable situations or lack of time for yourself and family lead to negative thoughts. Mental symptoms of anger
—
- awkwardness
- Irritation
- restlessness
At the same time, our body also begins to react uncontrollably to these situations, showing physical symptoms of anger,
such as:
- Heart beats fast
- Muscles tense
- Buds forming on the forehead
These mental and physical inconveniences unite us and lead us to display aggressive behavior,
such as -
- Shout and argue
- Throwing objects
- Kicking walls, punching or slamming doors
- Cry
But the worst way to deal with anger is to do nothing
i.e.
bottle it
. This suppression of anger leads to frequent drinking, excessive smoking and even drug use. In extreme cases, people also harm themselves.
In situations like these, the most important thing to tell yourself is that people, situations, or environments do not make you angry. The way we react to them makes us angry.
In short, anyone or anything that makes you angry controls you.
A very effective way to identify and prevent anger is to understand and recognize the four cues or cues we receive from how our mind and body react in an aggressive environment or when initiated by an unfavorable external agent -
- Physical
clues are the clues our body gives us to tell us that anger has begun to build up within us. They may have a rapid heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, etc.
- Behavioral cues
- the way we act towards others when we are angry, or the ways others observe us when we are angry, such as jaw clenching, brow furrowing and staring.
- Emotional signals
are some of the other emotions that accompany anger, such as insecurity, helplessness, shame and guilt.
- Thought-related signals
are our thoughts when we are angry, such as disturbing mental images, imagining hitting someone, connecting this incident with some other similar incident.
Physical
clues are the clues our body gives us to tell us that anger has begun to build up within us. They may have a rapid heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, etc.
Behavioral cues
- the way we act towards others when we are angry, or the ways others observe us when we are angry, such as jaw clenching, brow furrowing and staring.
Emotional signals
are some of the other emotions that accompany anger, such as insecurity, helplessness, shame and guilt.
Thought-related signals
are our thoughts when we are angry, such as disturbing mental images, imagining hitting someone, connecting this incident with some other similar incident.
"Angry" toys
An excellent option to get your nerves in order and at the same time throw out your aggression without harming others are various objects that act as “release toys.” These can be either silicone balls, expanders, or other impact-resistant things. According to psychologists, active load on various muscle groups (and it is enough to load just one hand) allows you to shift the focus from the problem to more mundane things. However, it is worth understanding that this method only relieves symptoms. At the same time, you need to learn to get rid of the problem at deeper levels.
Awareness of reasons and expression of anger
You simply need to notice your anger in yourself, admit to yourself: “Yes, I’m angry now!”, realize the cause of anger in this particular situation (and this is most often some kind of damage to your interests), talk openly about it with the participants in the situation.
Of course, expressing anger should be done in an environmentally friendly way.
- In such a conversation, it is extremely undesirable to use the construction: “You are a fool, don’t make me angry!”
- Instead, use the I-message technique better: “When something like this happens, I feel very angry...”, “For me, the current situation is extremely unpleasant...”
Important: Showing adequate anger means defending your boundaries that someone is trying to violate. To show anger is to show firmness and confidence! Showing anger is telling others that their actions are completely unacceptable. You can show anger calmly, quietly and clearly! Without guilt and shame.
If the interlocutor reacts positively, you can continue: “Let’s agree for the future on how we can act effectively in such situations...” This lays the ground for mutually beneficial and pleasant relationships in the future.
Long-term beliefs
Sometimes people hold extremely negative beliefs about themselves that they come up with or are conditioned to believe, for example: “I’m not very smart.”
" or
"I'm stupid at school."
You must remind yourself that everyone has experienced unhappy times in their past. It is better to let go of any negative self-critical analysis.
.
Here are some time-tested tips for managing anger -
- Think before you speak
- Collect your thoughts before you say anything.
- Expressing anger Calmly
Express
clearly without causing harm to others - Implementation
— Spend some time doing other enjoyable physical exercises.
- Timeouts
— some moments of silence can help you focus your thoughts.
- Defining solutions
- Instead of thinking about what makes you angry, try to find a solution to this problem.
- Use "I" statements
— say, “I was waiting to check your presentation,” rather than, “You never finish your work on time.”
- Don't be sorry
- It is unrealistic to expect everyone to follow your recommendations. Forgiveness and forgetting can remove a lot of negative emotions from your system.
- Use humor
- Use humor to diffuse the situation without making it hostile.
- Practice relaxation skills
- Practice deep breathing while listening to music.
- Ask for help.
Consider seeking professional help if your anger is completely out of control.
Think before you speak
- Collect your thoughts before you say anything.
Expressing anger Calmly
Express
clearly without causing harm to others
Implementation
— Spend some time doing other enjoyable physical exercises.
Timeouts
— some moments of silence can help you focus your thoughts.
Defining solutions
- Instead of thinking about what makes you angry, try to find a solution to this problem.
Use "I" statements
— say, “I was waiting to check your presentation,” rather than, “You never finish your work on time.”
Don't be sorry
- It is unrealistic to expect everyone to follow your recommendations. Forgiveness and forgetting can remove a lot of negative emotions from your system.
Use humor
- Use humor to diffuse the situation without making it hostile.
Practice relaxation skills
- Practice deep breathing while listening to music.
Ask for help.
Consider seeking professional help if your anger is completely out of control.
Swing
Try to tense all your muscles as hard as you can, and then take a deep breath.
Now hold your breath and tense your muscles for 5 seconds.
Exhale! As you exhale, feel how all the tension goes away, leaving you from the top of your head to your toes.
Repeat this action several times.
Feel how anger, irritation and resentment leave you: they go down to the tips of your toes and flow out through your feet. If you can, imagine a picture; if it’s difficult with pictures, then just feel what’s happening in your body.
The final stage: step forward and leave this “puddle of anger” behind you.
