I received a question in the comments from the Wandering Preacher about what I think about true friendship. The short answer that friendship is mutual self-deception turned out to be too short, so I am presenting the full version.
So. What is friendship?
First of all, you need to remember that there is no such thing as “friendship”. That is, there are relationships between people that can be characterized in some way, and there is a tradition of calling a certain type of relationship friendship. But there is no independent entity called “friendship”. There are only real living relationships, without names and clear outlines.
It follows that concepts like “true friendship”, “true love” and the like are inherently absurd. If only specific interactions between specific people really exist, then how can one draw the line between the real and the non-real, between friendship and non-friendship, between love and non-love?
Nevertheless, it is still customary to draw a certain line. And this is done on the basis of an artificial rating scale. Here the situation is the same as if you were watching waves in the sea. Some go from left to right, others from right to left. Which ones are real? How to separate some waves from others if everything depends on which foot and which side the observer stands on?
One way or another, it’s generally believed that smaller waves mean friendship, and steeper waves mean love. But what is important is not the labels that we hang on them, not our opinions, but the waves themselves. That is, specific living relationships with a living person are important, and not what we call them, and what template we try to fit them into.
So is it even worth discussing what “true friendship” is? Let's take a better look at what friendship is meant in practice and what it all leads to.
[[Continued - female, male and other friendships]]
Female friendship
Women are practical and pragmatic creatures. From a social point of view, this may not always look beautiful, because in general such far-fetched principles as fidelity and devotion do not exist for women. But from a psychological point of view, such sobriety causes only admiration. Men should learn this from women.
Women's friendship always has the character of a temporary union. As two independent states, honoring, first of all, their own interests. Sometimes it helps to have an ally. But do kings and presidents swear eternal allegiance? No, the union exists exactly as long as it is beneficial.
It’s the same with women - as long as it’s convenient and profitable to be friends, they are best friends. But as soon as interests intersect, the friendship ends. Slogans about devotion may sound in words, but in practice the woman will do exactly what is beneficial for her, and will simply find an excuse for herself in the fact that the case is exceptional, and she could not help herself.
And that's really good. Because a woman deceives herself and those around her only in words, but in her actions she is always more or less honest with herself. But men, for the sake of friendship and this oath, can derail their entire lives, and there is nothing to be proud of.
The main stumbling block in female friendship is men. This is where friendship ends and the law of the jungle comes first - every man for himself. And if it so happens that interests in relation to a man intersect, the union is over.
Yes, sometimes, female friendship lasts a lifetime, but this only shows that these women had nothing to compete with each other. And if one of them abandoned the man for the sake of the other, then this most likely means that it wasn’t painful.
So where are women allies? As long as friendship between women remains, it is quite similar to men’s - the same mutual assistance in business and the same mutual assistance in overcoming mental difficulties.
It is not considered anything shameful for women to cry on each other’s shoulders and feel sorry for each other in the most direct form. And this is again a reason to admire women’s directness in expressing their feelings. It is this emotional support that keeps women together. Help in practical matters is much less important to them.
Therefore, when a woman finds a man who is ready to wipe away her tears, all her best friends fade into the background - they are no longer needed. A man comforts and solves a woman’s everyday problems, so why should she be friends with anyone else?
Applause for women's honesty and dedication to their personal interests.
What do we look for in our friends? Psychology of friendship
Friends are faithful warriors
This is my warmer!
We usually make friends with those who satisfy our needs - and whose needs we satisfy ourselves.
Children have their own children's needs and their own characteristics of children's friendship. For children, friendship is your Property, the Toy is interesting, the Feeder is pleasant, a Faithful Warrior is needed, someday the Fool-doormat will come in handy... In children's friendship, everything is usually simple, open and clear.
Childhood passes, some needs go away, some remain, but the needs of the so-called psychotherapeutic group turn out to be almost universal for a huge part of people: Hot water bottle, Wash warmer, Toilet bowl, Golden mirror... What is this?
… It can be cold at heart, and then we need someone who will warm us. This is our Warmer. Everyone has a need for spiritual warmth and understanding, but not everyone can be a Warmer who satisfies this need. That is, at some point, everyone can warm someone up, but in reality, there are very different types of heating pads, and in terms of their design characteristics, heating pads can be very different. This heats powerfully, the other barely glows, one will not turn on without a reminder, the other will not turn off without a request, some need to be ignited only with your own heat. Heating pads operating at the frequency of compassion usually produce additional harmful radiation, and in general, individual settings in most devices work rather poorly. There is also a significant difference in price: someone’s soul is fed with energy, it seems, directly from the sun, so they give you heat without an account and disinterestedly, with someone you have to pay in return with heat upon request. It happens that the fee itself is small, but the overhead costs are high, and for each one-time seemingly inexpensive session of the warmth of a cute girl, you later have to pay dearly: for example, dealing with her instantaneous attachment to you. Some heating pads seem to warm you up sensitively and at reasonable prices, but not regularly. For example, if a girl is in a bad mood, then she can no longer be a hot water bottle, and in this case, Grelka (or Vzgrelka) is what she needs.
Sometimes each of us needs a warmer. To live, you need to move, and this is sometimes difficult: today you’re lazy, tomorrow you’re a wreck, and then you’re tired or beaten. Here I am lying, spread out. Who will lift me up?! However, if you kick me, I can jump up in surprise, and if I rush after the offender, then I come to life: the blood is running, my eyes are clear, my tail is like a pistol. "Thank you friend!" In comparison with the warm Grelka, the art of the cheerful Vzgrelka is less common, but is valued higher: after all, it is a piece of jewelry. You need to run into a friend, you need to kick a friend, but in this way, there and then, so that you turn out not to be an evil enemy, but a kind and caring friend. The main thing is usually said with surprised eyes; out loud you can throw out the standard: “Are you sore?” Options: “Soaked, sour, sulky, depressed” - it doesn’t matter what hits the tongue, the main thing is that it rolls head over heels from the soul. Someday you can try to hurt: “Let me hug you, you’ve been hit by life!” Now I’ll wipe your sniffles, and you’ll cry to me!”, you can challenge, finely pinch, prick, pry, sting, eat - whatever you want, the main thing is that something sharp hits the person so that he will not be hit he shuddered and at least a little note of aggressiveness rose in him. Adrenaline should burst into the blood, as in moments of danger. If you jump up, the person will want to move you. And then he wants to move himself - to move. And he will thank you.
Sometimes we are used as a toilet. We don’t manage to digest all life events: sometimes we swallow something right away, something we can chew with friends, but something gets stuck in our throat... If it’s difficult to digest everything yourself, and you can’t just get it out of your head, then My heart feels heavy and I really want to share. Then we need someone to whom we can vent and free our souls, relieve ourselves. Then we need someone with an open mind where we can relieve ourselves. Everyone talked, they left, and we felt better. They use us the same way. If a person had a great need and he shared masses of poorly digested experiences with us, we were in the role of the Toilet, but if we were used for a small need and only shed tears for us, this is called “being a vest.” However, whatever you call it, the person who accepts all this feels very necessary and humane. On the other hand, if we do not react at all to a person’s spiritual difficulties and do not expose ourselves to the toilet, some people who are accustomed to sharing negativity will not be friends with us. But maybe this is just a good thing?
The Golden Mirror is one of the most beautiful options in friendships. It is very necessary to love yourself, but not everyone succeeds. I’m so mean and so ugly—how can I love someone like that?! However, if harmfulness is not exactly harmfulness, but courage and somewhat principled, and the ugly thing given to us in sensations can turn out to be a warm, charming and truly tasty crumpet, then our relationship with ourselves can become more decent. The main thing is how to look at yourself. And here the help of a Friend is very necessary.
The higher the rank of our friend (girlfriend), the more valued their positive assessment is. For example, my friend and I are doing dance exercises, I look at myself in the mirror and understand that the antics of a monkey like me do not paint this mirror. However, when I look not at the mirror, but at my friend, I like looking at her, and most importantly, when I notice that for some reason my friend is looking at me with admiration too, it’s hard for me to be angry at my angularity. I have two hypotheses to choose from: either my friend has bad taste, or I am overly critical and in fact can really please pretty women. The latter hypothesis is obviously more attractive, but what is its weight? If a friend studied in a pop dance studio, her assessment of my dancing talents is much more convincing.
Of course, friendly admiration must be expressed extremely sincerely and intelligibly every time. Deep remarks like “you’re amazing”, “I like it” and “I really like it” are welcome, but sometimes wide-open admiring eyes are enough to meet you. The main thing is that we can trust the words and views of a friend, knowing that he really likes what he notices in me for me.
- Business group needs: Employee, Lifesaver, Battery, Trainer.
- Needs of the educational group: Teacher-consultant, Role model and Development guide.
Male friendship
Men make friends a little differently. The basis of friendships is the same emotional mutual assistance as among women, but the principles of male honor and devotion are added to it.
Here it must be said that honor and devotion are the same virtual concepts as love and friendship. They just don't make any sense. This is simply a set of rules that is instilled in men from childhood and becomes sacred to them.
A decent man or a man of honor is as pathetic as the most shameless scoundrel. In a psychological sense, they are equally unhealthy, they are simply at opposite poles of the same scale. The former assert their importance through ostentatious decency, the latter through disregard for all rules and foundations.
In essence, belief in honor and decency is a form of neuroticism, which, however, is elevated to the rank of the highest masculine value. Hence the specificity of male friendship - following the rules of honor often turns out to be more important for a man than all other interests.
Only a man can “suffer for an idea” - revolutionaries, Decembrists, patriots, seekers of truth and other people of honor - they all put their mental ideals above even their own survival. Darwin would not have approved of them.
Belief in true friendship and male devotion is the same nonsense as all other manifestations of honor and decency. And yet, men love this game very much and are very worried when they don’t have friends, or are proud that they can be someone’s best friend.
In practice, men often go against their personal interests for the sake of friendship. This is bad because, usually, such self-denials occur unconsciously, although consciously. That is, a man understands that he is giving up his desire for the sake of friendship, but he does not see that the desire does not disappear, but is only suppressed, goes into the unconscious and continues to sharpen deep inside. Any struggle “for an idea” is self-destructive, but men don’t see this.
On the other hand, the willingness and ability to sacrifice one's interests makes real cooperation possible in solving practical issues. Women cannot cooperate - they are always competing, but men can actually work effectively towards a common goal hand in hand. And if a man clearly understands what interests he is giving up and for what, then there is no self-destruction here - everything is fine.
But the basis of male friendship is still not cooperation and mutual assistance, but the same need for consolation as that of women. Men are friends for exactly the same reason - to have someone to cry their tears on.
Yes, men don’t cry - they drink bitters and, while eating, share their problems. A man should be stern and should not cry, but this does not change the essence. Over beer, at barbecues, fishing, in the gym - everywhere men complain to each other about their lives and console each other like men.
The warmest relationships between men arise when the level of mutual trust allows them to share their most intimate experiences. That is, simply put, when you can pour out your deepest and most painful experiences to each other.
A best friend, a true friend, is usually someone to whom you can express all your difficult thoughts, who will listen to everything, understand and sympathize, who will not use the information received and will not stab you in the back (women, by the way, always use it and, if they necessary - they hit with all their might).
In this, male and female friendships are similar - both of them look for consolation in friends and want to have a person next to them on whom they can dump all their problems. Women do this in their own spontaneous manner - directly, simply and openly. Men pretend to be unapproachable, stern machos, but this makes them look even funnier.
All friendships - both male and female - are built on the principle: “I help you deceive yourself, and you help me deceive myself.” Ostriches helping each other stick their heads in the sand are the best of friends. And where we are not talking about consolation and self-deception, everything comes down to bargaining - “I help you out, and then you help me out.”
Psychologically, adult men have “nothing to be friends about”...
Psychological characteristics of friendship
If we do not take into account consanguinity, then partnership is an individual-selective relationship. By highlighting the characteristics of friendship, we can quickly determine who we are with a certain person. To start friendly communication you need:
- mutually pleasant sensations during communication;
- complete mutual understanding;
- sincere, selfless actions;
- feelings of trust;
- mutual desire to help each other.
There are some exceptions in which camaraderie can develop into open hostility or even strong love. The psychology of friendship highlights long-established clichés:
- “true male friendship,” which is considered much stronger than relationships between the fairer sex;
- the impossibility of friendly relations among heterosexual unions.
Friendship between a man and a woman - psychology
Friendly relationships between girls and boys in their pure form are almost never found. The psychology of friendship between a man and a woman increasingly speaks of the confusion of meaning in such relationships. This occurs due to the misuse of words that are not clearly defined. How to set the boundaries between friendliness, passion, infatuation and love? Often this friendship works on mutual support and help, but such relationships more often develop into more intimate ones. Often, the camaraderie between boys and girls smoothly turns into a closer relationship.
Psychology of female friendship
Many people believe that friendship between women is temporary. Often close relationships among representatives of the fairer sex are built on their own interests. Whether female friendship exists, psychology cannot give an exact answer. Girls are too sentimental people, they need a loyal shoulder and the opportunity to talk to someone, at such a moment close friends appear. The psychology of female friendship assures that if the interests of both women converge on one object, then an enchanting break in the relationship often occurs.
Psychology of friendship between a man and a man
The basis of such partnership, in addition to emotional attachment, is honor and devotion. These qualities are instilled in boys from childhood, and subsequently become the rules of their lives. However, these are all just words and real male friendship can instantly turn into hatred or rivalry. It all depends on the circumstances and the human factor.
Male friendship is based on unity of beliefs and mutual assistance. Many representatives of the stronger sex prefer to spend all their free time with their family, but there are also those who find time for friendly gatherings. There are several rules that are unbreakable for many real men:
- Reliable rear
. An ally will always cover up for his boss and come up with the most incredible alibi in a conversation with his friend’s wife. - Reliability
. A friend will always find time to help. - A friend's fiancee is not a girl
. A true friend will never cause quarrels between his friend and his soul mate. - Don't teach how to live
. If relationships are important, then there is no need to try to change people.
Psychology of children's friendship
Sometimes we think that there is nothing sincere and purer than children's relationships. A persistent desire to find a real friend appears in our teenage years, when we want to share our first serious secrets from our parents with someone. And at the moment, it is not thoroughly known what needs drive young children when establishing close relationships.
Children's friendship is the most inexplicable manifestation of human relationships. Children develop their first friendships around the age of three. During this period, they learn to share toys and help new acquaintances play. At six years old, the child begins to look more closely at new acquaintances, and common interests and activities appear. As a teenager, the child begins to imitate adult friendships. The main thing is not to get involved in such relationships with your charter, but to show by your own example how to be friends correctly.
Article on social psychology. Theme: friendship
ARTICLE
On the topic: Phenomenology of friendship.
Author: Master of Technical Sciences, Bekishev A.S.
Annotation.
In this article, we will look at the concept of friendship and who a real friend is. Let us analyze the main types of “friends”, which are characterized as a certain subject, and for some, even an object of interaction. To be more precise, friendship is just one of the varieties of social institutions or selective personal relationships. This issue can be viewed from any angle, but we will focus on the psychological and social aspect. The article examines the phenomenology and phenomenon of friendship as one of the types of personal relationships. Unlike functional, business relationships, where one person uses the other as a means to achieve some goal, friendship is valuable in itself, it is a good in itself; friends help each other selflessly, “not for service, but for friendship.”
Key words:
friendship, friend, family, devotion, selfishness, phenomenology, love.
Every person has to deal with friendship in life. When a person has real friends, it greatly affects even how happy he feels. But, unfortunately, sometimes a slightly different relationship is hidden under the guise of friendship, and sometimes as a result of this a person experiences deep disappointment. For each of us, it is important to be able to distinguish friendship from other types of relationships, and for this, first of all, you need to know what friendship is.
In addition, understanding what friendship is will help us be a good friend ourselves, make reliable friends and maintain strong friendships. But many people confuse the meanings of friend and acquaintance. They call friends those with whom they simply have contact or interact with each other only in certain situations. In this article, I want to reveal to you who a true friend is? And there is no need to say best friend, such a concept does not exist, that is, a friend is something other than a brother (sister)
or
a loved
one. If you want to make friends with a person, but at the same time he does not communicate with you at the level at which you would like, then, unfortunately, you do not need such friends. As a rule, if a person reciprocates your feelings, then why not be friends. But to become a friend, you don’t just need to communicate, but you need to understand whether this is the person you need. As a rule, a friend is known in trouble. Everyone understands this phrase differently. A friend is a person who, no matter what, will help you in difficult times, even if he himself suffers. At the moment, it is very difficult to find friends. And so, from my experience, I have come up with several basic conditions for friendship:
1. Mutual respect
. What does it mean to respect your friend? This means respecting him, taking his opinion into account and recognizing his positive traits. Respect is shown in words and deeds. A friend who is respected feels that he is valued as a person, his dignity is respected and he is helped not only out of a sense of duty.
2. Confidence.
Trust means confidence in the integrity and sincerity of a friend, that he
will not betray
or intentionally deceive. Trust does not imply confidence that a friend will never make any mistakes - we are all imperfect.
These are the two main and main conditions for friendship. In addition, common moral values are important for friendship, for example. People who have different views on what is good and what is evil will have a hard time being friends. The reason is simple: can we show deep respect (and possibly trust) to a friend if we see that he is doing things that are immoral in our eyes, and considers this the norm?
To be more precise, every person encounters friendship in life. When a person has true and loyal friends, this greatly influences even how happy he feels
. But unfortunately, under the guise of friendship, sometimes a slightly different relationship is hidden, and sometimes as a result of this a person experiences deep disappointment. For each of us, it is important to be able to distinguish friendship from other types of relationships, and for this, first of all, you need to know what friendship is.
People have always considered friendship to be the highest moral value. At the same time, true friendship was recognized as rare and its blossoming, as a rule, was relegated to the past. So today is the 21st century, then, as a rule, in any field there are changes and rules, friendship is no exception.
And so, dear readers, please learn one lesson for yourself: do not confuse friends with colleagues or comrades, friends. Let's briefly look at the types of relationships.
Buddy
- this is a “briefly” acquaintance, quite close, with whom the connection becomes closer and, to a certain extent, intense. That is, buddy, this is a person whom you simply treat with goodwill, but nothing more.
Comrade
- this is “a person who is close to someone in terms of common views, activities, living conditions, etc.” You have similar goals and thoughts with him. But the friend is still far away.
Colleague
- this is a person who works with you in the same company or organization and you cooperate and interact with him to achieve a certain goal.
Friend
- this is a person who has the above qualities and has some potential to be ahead of the rest.
If we consider a friend in terms of psychology, we note that our modern word “friend”
is similar to the word “squad”. Over time, friendship develops some of its own general principles, which friends subsequently adhere to. And if these principles include high ideas and bright motives, then the friendship is long-lasting, the friend becomes a “second self,” that is, you have found that very person.
The problem of friendship.
If a friend somehow disappointed or offended you, it depends on the situation.
You will always be on your own. After all, no one knows how you will think. But to forgive betrayal, it will take a lot of time to think. In the 21st century, the main problem of all quarrels is the failure to satisfy a major need. For example, when a friend achieved success and forgot you because you did not rise to his level, and, as a rule, people of this level have good economic means. But this does not apply to EVERYONE
! Just think about it, people, with whom you communicate, why do you need this person. But under no circumstances should you use your friends for your own benefit. Don’t be too open so that they don’t see how kind you are and use you to fulfill their needs.
Dear readers, develop such qualities in yourself and try to demonstrate them in everyday life. Closedness, insensitivity, and especially arrogance, indifference and betrayal kill friendship, nullifying its foundation - mutual respect and trust.
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