Shyness
This is one of those factors that is based on scientific statements. Shy people most often hide their feelings, which is why they cannot look directly into the eyes, because a look can tell everything. The deepest feelings and sensations will be read in it, be it love or hatred. Shy people are mostly closed, and therefore they do not want to be revealed.
Possible reasons
Why people don’t make eye contact is interesting to many. There may be the following reasons for this phenomenon:
- The person feels sympathy for you and is very embarrassed by the realization of this fact. He tries with all his might to hide his feelings or wants to show them, but, in general, has no idea how to do this. He gets hot when you address him, his legs become weak, his answers are indistinct and confused, and he is angry with himself for this. The eyes are averted intuitively, because due to a direct gaze, the poor fellow will be completely unsettled.
- You are an extremely unpleasant person. In some cases, such strong hostility appears without any reason for it. I just don’t like the person at all, everything about him is repulsive. In this case, you can see that avoiding direct gaze is not the only feature of communicating with him. Because he, in principle, tries to avoid communication, ignores the presence of an unwanted interlocutor, never addresses him himself, only responding to an appeal, and then does so reluctantly. Why is a person afraid to look into the eyes?
- The person doesn't trust you. By averting his eyes, the interlocutor seeks to hide his emotions, feelings and thoughts; he does not want anyone to guess about them. In such a case, however, a certain degree of mistrust will be shown towards someone else. Secrecy, as a rule, is not an individual trait: you either don’t have it, or you have it.
- The person feels embarrassed in your presence. This can be observed when, for example, a person is in a new company and has not yet gotten used to it. Or your eccentricity, assertiveness, openness and impulsiveness are so dissonant with his shyness and modesty that when you appear, he subconsciously tries to shrink into a ball, avoiding direct gaze.
Many people often complain: “I can’t look my interlocutor in the eyes.” What does this mean according to scientists?
The man has a rich imagination
Many people find it easier to formulate a thought and imagine a certain situation only by immersing themselves a little. Such people simply need to create a picture in their heads for better perception, and doing this while maintaining contact with their opponent is simply impossible.
For more productive communication, you should learn to hold your gaze for as long as possible. The ability to maintain eye contact will help not only in informal, but also in business relationships.
Research by Japanese scientists
Japanese scientists from Kyoto University conducted a study that showed that when making eye contact, a person is distracted and cannot direct his thoughts to something other than the topic of the conversation. This means that many people avoid making eye contact during dialogue in order to avoid overloading their brain unnecessarily.
Experts also remind that the effect of eye contact on the brain was previously established in another study, when Italian scientists found that sometimes people who were asked to look into someone's eyes for ten minutes began to hallucinate after a while.
If a person does not make eye contact during a conversation: a psychologist’s opinion
During the reflections, psychologists noted that the vast majority of people do not make eye contact during a conversation. Eye to eye looks are most common among couples in love. In ordinary communication, people very rarely look into each other's eyes.
Also, during the observation process, it was found that leaders who are distinguished by the effectiveness of leadership over people look into their eyes when talking with their employees.
Everyone knows the need to look into the eyes of the interlocutor, but not everyone is comfortable doing this. Even if a person tries to maintain eye contact, he becomes uncomfortable and begins to feel some embarrassment because he is not used to it.
In many countries, looking “eye to eye” is considered an expression of disrespect, which is why women in such countries, predominantly Muslim, do not look up at a man when talking to him.
It is a common belief that to create the effect of eye contact, you need to look at the bridge of your interlocutor’s nose. But it is wrong, since increased attention can cause neurosis in the opponent.
Body language will also help to understand the reason why a person does not make eye contact when speaking. To tell that a person has become bored and no longer wants to carry on a conversation, his gaze directed upward to the right will help. And his dilated pupils will indicate the opponent’s interest in the conversation.
The meaning of eye contact
Why is direct eye contact so important for some women? They are sure that this shows the man’s interest in himself. If he looks straight into the eyes, then the interlocutor is attractive to him and, perhaps, he already has some feelings for her. Women not only think so, they secretly hope so.
In reality, a man expresses his attention differently. Not all of them are so arrogant and self-confident that they will look intently into the eyes of the girl they like. The fact that a man maintains direct eye contact for a long time may also indicate that he is only interested in a “sexual” way.
You can understand the real feelings of a man with whom you are having a conversation not only by his look. He may lower his gaze during a conversation and this will be a sign that he likes the woman. How so? It's all about his other actions. If he does any of these actions, then he is probably very embarrassed and doesn't know how to express his affection:
- holding an object in his hands, fiddling with it;
- touches your earlobe;
- touches the nose;
- runs his hands through his hair;
- strokes his chin.
But if a man is too relaxed, crosses his arms over his chest, speaks evenly and calmly, then he is most likely not interested in communication, does not want to make contact with a woman. If he constantly looks somewhere into the distance, keeps his hands in his pockets, then this indicates either that he is bored or that his thoughts are occupied with something else. In the case when a man looks from side to side, he is confused and does not know where to direct the conversation next.
It’s also worth finding out why many girls don’t look their interlocutor in the eyes. More about this and more in our article!
Some tips to help you learn to make eye contact
- Try to look at your opponent with a soft and relaxed gaze, covering a large area within your field of vision. The main thing is not to lose this contact and remain calm.
- Staring can cause a harsh expression, so watch your facial expressions. It should not be focused; on the contrary, goodwill and gentleness will not only relax you, but will also endear your opponent to you. To achieve this effect, you can mentally imagine that you are holding this person by the shoulder. This will create more warmth and softness in your eyes.
- The main problem standing in the way of the ability to look into the eyes is self-doubt. This uncertainty gives rise to nervousness. You need to overcome this line and understand that looking into the eyes only establishes contact with a person.
- Try to study the facial expressions and position of your interlocutor. You can try to “mirror” it. This will help overcome the interpersonal barrier and win over your opponent.
If a person does not make eye contact during a conversation, do not rush to make erroneous conclusions. Perhaps you should take a closer look at the interlocutor and understand the reason for the lack of eye contact on his part.
Just don't take your eyes off...
There is an opinion that only a person with a strong character can withstand someone else’s gaze and not look away. “And there was no person in the Universe who could withstand Solomon’s gaze without lowering his eyes!” writes Alexander Kuprin about the wise King Solomon in the story “Shulamith.”
People on a subconscious level obey someone's inner personal power. We can say that we were convinced, persuaded, out-argued, but in fact we were influenced by the psychological power of another person. And most clearly it manifests itself in his firm gaze. This look is also called magnetic, hypnotic. Its owner can influence and manipulate people.
Some representatives of the animal world, such as tigers, are measured by the power of their gaze. So they find out who has more rights to the best place in the sun. The one who first averted his eyes lost, which means he must give in.
The same thing happens in human society: someone who hides his eyes or looks away in a conflict situation will be considered a weakling, which means he will have no chance of winning. A person with a shifting gaze also makes a pitiful impression. “A slippery guy,” they will say about him and would prefer not to deal with him. A person who does not know how to “keep an eye” is unlikely to be sent to serious business negotiations, because they are negotiating with a strong person. The weak are ordered and conditions are dictated.
But we should not forget about moderation. Staring for a long time can drive some people to neurosis. And being too persistent means suspecting your interlocutor of unseemly intentions. If we suddenly notice that the interlocutor is uncomfortable under our gaze, perhaps he is too heavy, prickly, and unfriendly.
According to psychologists, it is enough to look into the eyes approximately 70% of the time of communication.
In some countries, such as Muslim countries, it is considered indecent for a woman to look into the eyes of a man or an elderly person. This is regarded as a sign of disrespect.
Rules for making eye contact without embarrassment
There is an opinion that the norm is 70% maintaining eye-to-eye contact. It is not without meaning. Many of us need to acquire the skill of looking our interlocutor in the face. At the same time, compliance with the measure is required here in the same way as in everything else. If you see that a person does not feel very comfortable under your gaze, do not put pressure on him. Redirect your attention to the other side, think at the same time.
And one more detail that characterizes a good interlocutor, which is even more important than time - the way you look. Calm or anxious? Is your gaze supportive or oppressive? If you have decided to learn to look at your interlocutor without taking your eyes away, avoid this mistake: do not try to look closely at the area of the so-called “third eye” or at the bridge of the nose. This technique puts pressure, and the opportunity to observe the face and facial expressions of the interlocutor is lost. And the very habit of staring with your eyes, unceremoniously staring at the faces of others is not the ability to maintain visual contact, but a manifestation of elementary bad manners.
Where should you look in this case? Unexpectedly, but exactly where a driver with experience behind the wheel of a car usually looks. He does not look at one point: nowhere and everywhere at the same time, that is, at the situation on the road as a whole. It is necessary to develop the habit of looking with an unfocused, wide gaze.
If your goal is not to put pressure on the interlocutor, you should not look at him closely. Unfocus your gaze, look not into the person’s eyes, but only in the direction of his face. Thus, there is a transition to peripheral perception, in which you are not distracted and can catch any unconscious micromovements of a person and his face. If the interlocutor is pleasant to you, your gaze will also radiate warmth.
The most effective exercises for concentration
What you should know
Don't try to draw conclusions just based on a person's perspective. Pay attention to all his behavior, but free yourself from stereotypes. For example, if you are firmly convinced that a man likes you and therefore he looks away, then you can try to find all kinds of confirmation for this judgment. I wrote about what this will lead to at the beginning of this publication.
Try to get to know a specific person, his characteristics. Pay attention to what exactly he says, how he behaves with other people, try to notice other “indicators” behind him. You can even ask directly about the reasons for this behavior. This will definitely be more useful than independent conclusions based on pseudoscientific analysis.
Well, if you really like a man who shyly looks away when meeting you, forget about this fact for a while and just try to find an approach to him by moving away from the position of your eyes. Well, Kara King’s book “12 Secret Powers of a Woman” will help you with this.
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The ability to confidently look into the eyes of your interlocutor depends on the severity of such character traits as: self-confidence, courage, shyness and firmness.
A few seconds of eye contact can give a person more information than 3 hours of candid conversation. It is precisely because of the strong flow of information that it is psychologically difficult to constantly look into the eyes of your interlocutor.
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Explanation from the perspective of neurolinguistics
Neurolinguists also offer their own version of why a person does not make eye contact. In their opinion, such behavior depends on what kind of thinking he has. Thus, visual learners use visual images, and it is important for them to focus on the eyes in order to “read” missing information. Auditory learners focus on sounds. And therefore, most likely, they will listen to the intonation and timbre of the voice, looking to the side. Kinesthetics, based on tactile sensations and intuition, try to touch a person during communication, shake hands, hug, and look down at the same time.
Men and women
Why are people embarrassed to make eye contact and look away? If we are talking about a representative of the stronger sex, then this may indicate falling in love. However, the lack of eye contact can also mean that the man is hostile and experiencing aggression. His pupils will help you understand the true feelings of your interlocutor. If a man feels sympathy, then they expand. If he is angry, his pupils constrict.
Why don't women look their interlocutor in the eyes? If a lady lowers her eyelashes, it may mean that she is being flirtatious. However, if she looks up and not at the object of attention, this indicates a lack of romantic intentions. A woman is looking for profit, and her eyes give it away.
How to learn not to look away?
There are several exercises that will help you learn not to look away during a conversation, as well as generally improve your peripheral vision abilities and give your eyes a “piercing” quality.
All exercises must be performed so as not to overdo it. If, after starting to perform various movements, you begin to feel dizzy or your eyes water, you should stop immediately and continue the next day.
Also, the reason for looking away is often simple self-doubt, which needs to be overcome during conversation sessions with a psychologist; exercises are only a necessary part of the training.
Eye muscle training
The first exercise is to train the muscles of the eyeball.
- On a simple office sheet of paper, you need to draw a dot in the middle and place it in front of you at a distance of one and a half to two meters. Look closely at it for 2-3 minutes, constantly keeping it in focus and without distraction.
- When you have managed to tune in, you need to slowly make circular movements with your head, first along a small radius, gradually increasing it, for 10 minutes. The pattern of movement should be similar to the pattern on a snail shell.
- Also, for 10 minutes, moving only your head and keeping your gaze on the point, make various patterns as you wish, periodically accelerating.
If it becomes difficult during the exercise, you should take a break and continue after a few minutes.
Concentration
The second exercise is to improve concentration and learn not to blink too often.
- You should place the same sheet of paper in front of you and look at it without blinking for as long as possible.
- Then close your eyes, and, without moving your head, just your pupil, begin to look at any point on the ceiling for 5 minutes, blinking as rarely as possible.
- You also need to look at any point on the floor, concentrating your gaze on it and without blinking.
Read more: How to become charming and pleasant to talk to
Lack of sympathy for the interlocutor
Why does a person try not to make eye contact? The reason may also be that he does not like the person with whom he is forced to communicate. It doesn't matter what exactly caused the antipathy. People are extremely reluctant to allow their gaze to be caught by those they do not like.
How can you be sure that the problem is antipathy? The person tries to move as far as possible from the interlocutor, as if he is fenced off from him. He can also close his eyes, scratch his nose, and shake off non-existent specks of dust. Crossing your arms over your chest also serves as a signal of antipathy.
