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Excellent communication, calm and thoughtful, brings benefit and satisfaction. But positive emotions are not always present. Resentment, pain, anger and irritation lead to a decline in mood.
When anger accumulates, negativity is released. In psychology, there is a technique that helps to relax the created tension and avoid destructive quarrels in the family and in the team.
The concept of the “I statement” technique
The narrator, smoothing out negative emotions, uses the required statements in the first person, thereby excluding direct accusatory speech directed at the listener. By paying attention to the positive aspects of the interlocutor, the line between stumbling and misunderstanding is erased. In order to approach the problem more softly and delicately, a person speaks directly about his feelings, condition, thoughts and deeds, without blaming others. This results in an open dialogue about desires and possibilities.
The reception is appropriate among relatives and friends. By expressing your painful worries and bewilderments, you stop being alone with sad thoughts, which are sometimes completely unfounded. As a result of a frank conversation, ways to resolve tension are identified and the necessary words and phrases are found. Such statements act as a preventive method. It is much easier to prevent a conflict than to figure out who is more to blame for the event.
Cautions for use
I statements are a harmless technique. But this is only at first glance. A thoughtless and rude approach will increase the intensity and lead to a final break in the relationship; soft requests in the form of a message will veil personal words and transfer the effect to the partner. The center of attention is justified only when a person is a sufficiently strong personality. Otherwise, statements will be perceived as hostile.
You can become a stronger person by clearing your mind of: negative emotions, psychological complexes, limiting beliefs, harmful attitudes and other mental garbage. The Turbo-Suslik system does this quite quickly and efficiently.
Women are more emotional and susceptible to experiences. For them, expression through feelings is logical and familiar. Men are used to action. The communication scheme in the form of requests and instructions is acceptable and understandable to them. But demands can perfectly intertwine with each other and, without dividing them by gender, stand for a reasonable and responsible basis. The main thing is to accept with all your heart what is said out loud.
Make it a rule to communicate your wishes to your partner, maintaining an atmosphere of trust and camaraderie. Statements that undermine the self-esteem of the interlocutor lead to resentment and disappointment. To give the conversation a living form, talk about yourself and for yourself, then taking responsibility for the speech spoken, you direct emotions directly to your personality, which is able to understand what is happening in the soul. No one can know more than you yourself.
Construction scheme
- It is necessary to describe the situation that caused the tension: “When I see that you...”; “When this happened, then...”; “When I was faced with the fact that...”
- Choose precise words to convey the feeling you are experiencing: “I feel (pain, anger, disappointment, etc.)”; “I don’t know how to perceive...”; “I’m having difficulties...”
- Reasons and specifics: “Because...”; "Due to the fact that…".
By understanding the correct construction of a statement, you will make your task easier and will be able to quickly provide an explanation to your interlocutor.
Step-by-step technology:
- 1 step. Specific facts. Report the events that happened without embellishing them with detailed sketches.
You can say, “I cried when you said about the poorly baked pie.” - Step 2. Experienced feelings and bodily sensations based on the stated fact - “I was disappointed in trying to surprise you, my eyebrows furrowed, a tear rolled down.”
- Step 3. Justification for the thoughts, ideas and fantasies that have come - “I think that you do not perceive my culinary abilities because you were brought up in the family of a famous chef.”
- Step 4 Proposals and dreams - “I want us to make a dessert together on our day off.”
- Step 5 Expressed intentions - “I will listen to your advice in order to subsequently gain experience and apply the acquired knowledge in practice.”
The sequence of steps occurs in the described mode. Don't experiment or change places. You can skip the last point if a truce has been reached, but you should not violate the logic.
Effective communication techniques: I am the Message
Lena Kuznetsova
Effective communication techniques: I am the Message
In recent decades, interest in communication problems has increased. Surprising fact: in human interaction, more than half of all problems relate to a lack of mutual understanding.
A person wants to say one thing, says another, the interlocutor hears a third in this and interprets it as a fourth. Psychologists call this communication difficulties. To overcome these difficulties, experts have identified those forms of communication that most contribute to establishing mutual understanding and cooperation. They are called effective communication techniques. These techniques can be used in the family, at work, and when clarifying various conflict situations. We'll talk about technology
I-messages
.
What are I-messages and why are they needed?
I-message is a competent expression of one’s dissatisfaction.
I-messages are not about changing the behavior of another. And this needs to be remembered. I-messages are used to ensure that the interlocutor hears and understands you.
Why don't children hear us? Because we are used to you messages. The accusatory tone of such proposals distances us from each other, forces us to distance ourselves and take a defensive position.
I-messages contain personal pronouns, as a rule, they begin with the words: I don’t like, it bores me, I don’t like it, etc. P.
The most dangerous and conflict-causing you-messages begin with second-person pronouns: You, to you, because of you, etc. The interlocutor is offended by any such message or reacts with a counter-accusation. For example: “Again you made a mess, I no longer have the strength to clean it all up!”
How to use the I-message technique
• 1. Description of the fact: When you arrive late...
• 2. Description of sensations, feelings: I am either verb... upset, worried, upset, etc.
• 3. Explanation why: because I don’t know where you are and what’s wrong with you...
• 4. Message about your wish or desire: I would like you to call me when you are delayed.
Many parents sometimes find it difficult to contain negative emotions when communicating with their child. They lose their temper and yell at their son or daughter, and then are tormented by guilt and ask what to do. How to avoid this? The “I-message” technique will help you.
How to communicate with children using “I-messages”?
1. Use I-Messages More Often to Express Your Positive Emotions
The baby needs to feel the love of his parents. Tell him more often: “I’m glad to see you,” “I love you,” “I like playing with you.”
2. Listen to the child without interrupting.
The child does not yet know how to express his feelings the way adults can. And you shouldn't expect this from him. First, listen to everything he tells you, asking clarifying questions.
3. Teach your child to talk about his emotions in the form of an “I-message”
Teach your child to formulate whims and dissatisfaction using “I-messages.” Let him talk about how he feels.
For example, your son tells you: “Mom, I don’t want to go to kindergarten tomorrow.” You answer: “Are you tired and want to rest?” Or the daughter came from the street and declared: “I won’t play with Masha anymore, she’s greedy!” Can be rephrased as: “Are you mad that she didn’t give you her doll?” Such phrases allow you to establish contact with the child: after making sure that he is understood, the child will readily share his difficulties and allow you to help resolve them.
4. Express dissatisfaction with your child’s actions, but not with him.
You can and should express dissatisfaction, but not with the child himself, but with his actions. “I messages” allow you to express your own feelings instead of blaming the child: “I get upset when you say bad words,” not “You say bad words,” and in no case “You are a bad boy for saying bad words.” .
The main message that the child receives from you in this case is: “You are dear to me (oh, I love you very much, but your action upsets me.”
5. Tell us about the reasons for your dissatisfaction
After you have expressed your dissatisfaction to your child using I-messages, talk about the reasons for it. For example, your growing daughter returned late from a walk, you were worried, and tomorrow is a new working day. Tell your daughter that it will be difficult for you to fall asleep, and tomorrow you need to get up early for work. Naturally, also using “I-messages”.
If the child still does not understand you, return to point 1: “Use “I-messages” more often.”
6. Describe what behavior you expect from your child
At the end of the conversation with your child, explain to him what behavior you expect from him. If we take the above example of communication with a teenage daughter, the phrase would look like this: “I would really like you to come home earlier from a walk.”
If the child has already grown up, then he may not agree with the line of behavior that you propose. In this case, it is necessary to seek a compromise and return to point 2 “Listen to the child without interrupting.”
Well, now a little workshop.
Exercise 1. Please replace typical demand and accusation phrases with interesting “I messages”
(see presentation)
Exercise 2. Select “I-statement”
Situation 1. Children talk loudly during lunch.
Your words:
1. “When I eat, I am deaf and dumb.”
2. “Why are you so angry, choke. Then you’ll learn how to talk while eating.”
3. “I don’t like it when people talk loudly at the table during lunch.”
Situation 2. You came home late from work, and your child did not complete part of his homework.
Your words:
1. “Lord, when will you finally do your homework on time?”
2. “Again, nothing has been done. When will this end? I am tired of this. You’ll at least do your homework until the morning.”
3. “It bothers me that the lessons have not yet been done. I'm starting to get nervous. I want homework done before 8 pm.”
Situation 3. You need to do some work at home, and your child constantly distracts you: asks questions, asks you to read, shows you his drawings.
Your words:
1. “Stop tugging at me. Do something and don’t pester me while I’m working.”
2. “Sorry, I can’t play with you now. I am very busy. When I finish my work, I will definitely read it to you.”
3. “I get irritated when interrupted. I lose my thoughts and start to get angry, this prevents me from doing my work quickly.”
Learning to speak in the “I am messages” format is not easy. For this it is advisable to train. It is enough to use this technique for at least one day, and subsequently this new form of communication will become a habit.
Of course, in everyday speech it is not possible to immediately come up with a beautiful sentence, but this is not necessary, the main thing is to stick to a simple I-message scheme.
It must be remembered that the mere use of the I-message technique does not necessarily mean that the partner will accept our position or agree with our point of view. However, our point of view will be accessible and open to him, which means that we are on the right path to mutual understanding.
Troubleshooting
• 1. False you messages. You need to beware of “centaurs,” that is, sentences that begin with a first-person pronoun and end with a reproach or accusation. It's still You-messages. For example: I don’t like it when you behave so badly!”
• 2. Hidden reproach. If the text of the I-message contains a hidden reproach, you will not be heard or understood. For example, “I do everything alone, I fall off my feet, but you don’t care!”
• 3. Insincere I-messages. “I will be upset if you don’t go to bed now” - there is manipulation, instead
positive self-message. It is necessary not only to express your feelings and set conditions, but to sincerely inform your interlocutor about your true feelings.
• 4. Complete refusal of you-messages. This is not true, because positive you-messages must be used: “You helped me a lot,” “You went to bed on time, you’re so great!” and so on.
If you don’t let them know how you feel, then it may simply not occur to the person!
Examples of behavior
The technique is clear when readers are presented with visuals in the form of composed phrases and statements and counterexamples that highlight the incorrectness of the judgment. The development of side effects and the course of the process itself depend on this.
- Incorrect: “You don’t love me.” True: “The expression of your feelings is important to me.”
- Incorrect: “Why do you keep interrupting my story?” True: “I have difficulty concentrating. Listen to the end and ask the question you want.”
- Incorrect: “Why are you being rude?” True: “Incorrect treatment leads to personal humiliation. Respect me, I will try to be patient.”
Incorrect: “Your behavior is terrible.” True: “Your behavior upset me. You can be different.”- Incorrect: “You are using my things without permission.” True: “I feel uncomfortable when things are located in other places. Ask permission and I will be happy to tell you how to use them and where they are.”
- Incorrect: “You live by your work.” True: “I feel lonely in the evenings without you.”
- Incorrect: “You are not listening to me.” True: “Your opinion is important to me, listen to me.”
These are not all examples that happen in life. Statements require an individual approach to the situation. In a business situation, an outburst of feelings is inappropriate, and requests and planned actions are more effective. In the process of strong anger, selected statements can increase the strength of discord.
The presented technique helps to express accumulated feelings in words, rethink them, and find a way out of the situation. If you find it difficult and uncomfortable because of implausibility, practice the lessons learned when troubles arise and a small quarrel begins. Then, by thinking over phrases, you will amaze those around you with the wisdom of your thoughts, the morality of your statements and the logic of your actions. You will be a bright, peaceful, loving, understanding and lively person.
The appropriateness of using I-statements and you-statements
Wise, strong people use exclusively “I” statements when discussing complex issues.
Film "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" (Jim Sheridan, 2005).
In business communication, you-statements are often quite appropriate. The boss formulates the task using the words: “You must...” The subordinate responds in the same business style: “I did my job - you must pay me for it.” But this only applies to simple operations. When there is a discussion of complex, ambiguous, controversial business issues, the proportion of I-statements should be quite high, otherwise it will be very difficult to come to an agreement.
In personal relationships, you statements can be used when the relationship is very warm, friendly and trusting. There is also nothing wrong with you-statements when they are a compliment: “You are the best I have!”, “You are simply a miracle!”, “You deserve a rest.”
