Stop making excuses for other people's bad behavior.
When a person constantly, day after day and year after year, is content with less than what he deserves, he deprives himself of happiness with his own hands, becoming his own worst enemy. Because once you start making decisions related to what you want from your life and relationships, you will immediately begin to feel better.
And the better you feel, the easier it will be for you to achieve what you want and give up what you don’t need at all. And when you stop settling for less than what you deserve, opportunities bloom around you.
So, there are five ways to stop settling for less and start feeling much better:
Stop rationalizing other people's bad behavior.
Do you think that you often justify other people's misbehavior towards you? "He snaps at everyone because he's having a bad day." Or, say, “She had a difficult childhood, which is why she expects so much from me.”
You treat other people's negative behavior as something insignificant, when in fact it matters, and quite a lot. Instead of rationalizing the bad behavior of friends, family and acquaintances, try talking to them - tell them that their behavior bothers you, and you would like them not to act that way.
If the people you are close to do not listen to you, if they ignore you, or treat you in a way that is clearly unworthy, and you take it for granted, then you are clearly settling for less than you truly deserve.
What excuses can there be: types of excuses
Three types of justifications were identified by psychologists T. Thatcher and D. Baylis:
- Prescription-Personality, when a certain task was not completed due to the existence of certain rules and regulations. For example, “I didn’t do this because it wasn’t my responsibility”;
- Person-Event, when the justification is based on the fact that the person has no control over certain events. This group of excuses can include all phrases like “I had no choice...”;
- Prescription-Event is an excuse where the person’s surroundings are to blame for everything, but not himself. For example: “The essence of the task was incorrectly explained to me,” “I was interfered with while doing my work,” “No one explained what I should do.”
Thus, justification can play both a positive and negative role. If excuses have a destructive effect on your life, then you should realize the underlying reason for constant excuses and free yourself from this harmful habit. It is important to remember that people tend to make mistakes. The subsequent recognition of one's shortcomings and failures is a sign of strength and sensitivity of the individual, and not of weakness. You should be more tolerant of both your own failures and the mistakes of other people - this will be the first step towards a better understanding of yourself and harmony with the people around you.
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Try to understand that if you are not able to achieve something right away, you are not cursed.
If every time something doesn't work out for you, you convince yourself that you are cursed, that some forces beyond your control are preventing you from achieving what you want, and that in general you are a failure, thereby you will push yourself to to be content with less.
This view and approach to life almost guarantees failure before you even start doing anything. Yes, life is sometimes dishonest, but not always. Every time you try to achieve something that you really want, start with a clean slate. Because if you don't, you're allowing the bitterness of past disappointments (and not some inexplicable force) to make you vulnerable. And settle for less than what you deserve and what you can achieve.
Justification
What's the difference between justification and explanation? Justification is a reasoned explanation by a person of the motives, circumstances and goals of a morally assessed thought or action, with the goal of partially or completely removing responsibility and guilt from him. To justify means to establish the truth. If a person makes excuses, then he is trying to pay off or apologize for something. A person wants to hear his truth. Excuses
- attempts to reduce one’s guilt before the interlocutor by explaining the reasons for one’s actions or talking about difficult circumstances. N.I. Kozlov believes that: “Exclude excuses - completely. That's all. Even if you really want it and it seems very important. Someday you may be wrong, but instead of making excuses, it is wiser to calmly admit your mistake, if necessary, your conclusions and, most importantly, suggestions on how to move on. Get busy. How can you clear your speech of excuses?
- Think about replacements for your most common excuses, write them down and learn them.
- Remind yourself of your decision. For example, make yourself a poster and hang it as a reminder: “The Queen makes no excuses!” or “It is not proper for a king to make excuses.”
- During difficult conversations, turn on the recorder and after the conversation, analyze the recording (preferably with someone more experienced) - excuses that were invisible during a heated conversation will already be visible during a calm analysis.
- Use the help of others. You can agree with your friends so that they catch you making excuses, in which case you will be fined: for example, 10 squats or ice cream in their favor.
Explaining what happened is one thing, making excuses is another. Explanations provide clarity; justifications only provoke a new round of accusations.
Why?
What is the difference between them? Excuses are explanations without asking. When a person is interested in your explanations and asks you to explain something that he does not understand, your explanation is appropriate and natural. And this is an explanation, not an excuse. And when you explain yourself because you need it, but your interlocutor doesn’t, these are excuses. And this is only annoying, because you are saying something that the other person doesn’t need at all! Explanation Explanation is the impact of a word. A verbal description of what happened or what is required. A good explanation provides understanding. The style, method and quality of explanation depends on the level of development of a person’s thinking. According to the degree of effectiveness, they distinguish: 1. an explanation that pities or justifies, 2. an explanation that lifts one’s spirits, 3. an objective explanation, 4. an explanation that effectively influences, teaches and motivates. Explanation is one of the popular means of proper education and effective leadership. Limits of Explanation
- Not everything can be said conveniently in words.
- Words are not always true.
- Words don't always come through.
- Verbal explanations are easier to understand for digital and auditory learners. Kinesthetic learners need a sensation, a feeling, while Visual learners need to see a picture.
Scientific explanation
There are six main types of explanations practiced in science: generalization explanations, functional explanations, causal explanations, structural explanations, teleological explanations, hermeneutic explanations.
If your colleague or subordinate makes excuses, this is a manifestation of self-doubt or simply a bad habit. In this case, you need to support the person, but explain that you don’t need excuses and are not interested. Offer excuses to either exclude or replace: an explanation of what happened (if someone asks about it), or even better, a correction of what happened. For example, clarify: “It doesn’t matter why this happened, it already happened. I think that the right thing to do in the future is to decide what and who should do it so that this doesn’t happen again. What suggestions do you have? The Overjustification Effect
When there are many reasons for doing something, a person may attribute it to external influences rather than internal motives. …By removing rewards and threats and allowing people to find internal motivation to do good deeds, they will begin to do it on their own initiative and enjoy it.
People often make choices that they do not want to admit to themselves, and as a psychological defense, they cover them up with far-fetched, false excuses. The main thing you need to know about excuses is erroneous behavior
. People who respect themselves do not make excuses. People who respect others also do not waste their time with their excuses. The Victim is characterized by excuses; the Author is not characterized by excuses. The simplest and most memorable formula: “The Queen makes no excuses.” Remove the excuses. Eliminate excuses – completely. That's all. Wean yourself from making excuses, help those around you wean yourself from making excuses.
Reasons for excuses
As a rule, the reasons for excuses are low self-esteem, fears, habit of the Victim position, accusations, lack of constructiveness and an erroneous attempt to explain.
If they expect you to make excuses
It happens that you are expected to feel guilty and make excuses.
If this is a game familiar to this organization, then you can play according to the rules accepted here. You may need to pretend to feel guilty, and instead of making excuses, fully admit your guilt. Where they seem to expect and demand excuses from you, most likely a provocation is being prepared for you, for which you will still find yourself guilty. Justification rarely resolves a tense situation; more often it acts as a conflict generator. If possible, instead of making excuses, you should apologize and state your vision (plan) for correcting what happened. If it was not your fault in what happened, still apologize indirectly (“maybe I’m also mistaken, and if so, I apologize”), and offer to look into the situation. Most often this option works. If they openly continue to load you with accusations, just bring the conversation to another topic. You don’t make excuses and let this become habitual for everyone. If someone needs an explanation, if someone is satisfied, it was an explanation. If the person is speaking only in self-defense, that is an excuse. Typical phrases from the Victim Dictionary, divided into categories of varieties of respected Victims. Find yours here and take care to get rid of it. Durik's Dictionary
: “Why me?”, “How did I know?”, “They didn’t tell me that this was possible,” “I wasn’t allowed,” “It just happened that way,” “I can’t do it,” “I have such a character.” !
Helpless Dictionary
: “Here I am powerless”, “Circumstances are stronger than us”, “People don’t change”, “I was raised this way”, “It’s too late to change me”, “No one listens to me”, “Everything is useless”, “Everything that what I do is emptiness”, “It’s all nonsense”, “It’s all in vain”, “Nobody needs it anyway”, “I’m worthless”, “I’m not capable of anything”, “People are idiots”, “What am I anyway?” Can I?”, “I’m nothing of myself”, “Everything is a blunder”, “My hands are growing from the wrong place”, “Nobody needs me”, “I’m stupid”, “I’m a loser”.
Dictionary of the Martyr
: “Why do I need all this?”, “Life is unfair”, “Everything annoys me”, “Nobody understands me”, “I’m tired of everything”, “I’m always unlucky”, “I don’t even have time to take care of myself” , “I have to do everything myself!”, “I really don’t want to do all this!”,
Brawler’s Dictionary
: “What the hell!”, “This is terrible!
Nightmare! It’s a disgrace!”, “How I got sick of this!”, “If it weren’t for these upstarts, I would have succeeded,” “No one will even help me!”, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have done this,” “How arrogant everyone is!”, “They should behave more decently!”, “So unfair!”, “You put pressure on me all the time, and I have to do as you want,” “You should apologize to me,” “ I’ve worked all my life to feed you, and there’s no gratitude!” Dictionary of the Afraid
: “I don’t know, I’m somehow afraid”, “Mom, I’m scared!”, “I’m afraid to stay in the dark!”, “Don’t go, I’m scared without you!”, “How can you be so calm, and what if something happens? The “Don’t Play the Victim” exercise is aimed more at abstaining from some actions. What if we do another exercise “Playing the Author”. This means that I perform one authorial act or action every day. Author's - means that I am its author, no one forces me or obliges me to do it, I decide for myself. At work I can do something beyond my responsibilities, at home too. After all, making a pleasant surprise for a loved one is also an act of the author. Therefore, wise people compile their own Dictionary of the Author:
- I decided …
- I prefer …
- I'm happy …
- I get the feelings I need
- No one owes nothing to nobody
- I can choose my reaction
- I can prepare...
- I can control myself
- A lot depends on my efforts
- I will do.
When there are accusations, “assaults,” a person is in the situation of a guilty person. But don’t make excuses, but immediately go to the instructions. Tell me what to do. Promise that you can’t discuss and tell everything now. Give a task and an order: “I will meet and tell you everything.” "I will call you". I'm in command of the parade. Take control of the situation. Tell the woman the following: “It’s so nice for me to be with you. This will pass. The main thing is that you and I feel good. I understand your feelings." “Don’t hang up, and promise that you will listen to me.” “I will console you now. Praise". Do not express negative feelings and aggression - this is the dirtiest thing. Justifying oneself is an ethical phenomenon, not a psychological one.
Understand that it is better to be alone than with just anyone. Don't consider loneliness a flaw.
Just because you are single at this stage of your life does not mean that there is some flaw in you that prevents you from getting along with anyone. Stop eating yourself over this. If you can't be alone without constantly criticizing yourself (justifiably and unjustifiably), you will inevitably settle for unworthy friends and partners over and over again, just to somehow dilute your loneliness.
Embrace being single now so you can achieve something much bigger and better later.
