- October 6, 2018
- Psychology of communication
- Ekaterina Gordeeva
Everyone has heard the phrase: “He is a difficult person.” And, as soon as we hear these words from someone’s lips, we smile sympathetically or nod. Mentally rejoicing that God had mercy on us, saving us from a difficult person nearby.
What should those who have to come into contact with such a comrade do? Let's talk about this in more detail.
Types of heavy people
Before figuring out how to behave with such people, let's understand their types. Yes, they are also different. There are aggressive individuals, there are whiners, and there are cowards. Let's announce the entire list of types of difficult people:
- Active defensive aggressor.
- Passive defensive aggressor.
- Whiner or complainer.
- Silent snail.
- An ordinary pessimist.
- Unrecognized creator.
We sorted out the types. Now we will learn the characteristics of each of them. And we’ll figure out how to confront this or that difficult person.
Active aggressor
If you have such a guy next to you, you are completely “lucky”. And it’s good when you don’t have to contact him around the clock. At home, an active defensive aggressor is a disaster for the family. And the situation at work is not much better.
What is this difficult person to communicate with? He doesn't like anything. And never. He expresses his protests violently. Screams, angry abuse, showdowns and insults are guaranteed. Things may even come to blows.
What is the aggressor finding fault with? For every little thing. He doesn't like your way of speaking, behaving, or dressing. You put the sugar bowl on the table incorrectly, you cooked the porridge incorrectly. A severe storm will immediately break out.
This type of difficult person expresses their importance and strength by putting others down.
DIFFICULT PERSON: DIAGNOSIS OR DIFFICULT CHARACTER?
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| Difficult person: diagnosis or difficult character? |
We have all encountered difficult people, communication with whom is simply unbearable.
They are often called difficult or energy vampires - whatever you like. These are not only people who are constantly dissatisfied with something, but also mentally unbalanced individuals who are ready to explode for any reason. But some people have to deal with them all the time! So how can you communicate, live, and work with them? What kind of difficult person is he? If you find yourself next to a difficult person, you will not even remember any psychological descriptions of the personality. You will feel it anyway. How to characterize it? Difficult people are prone to constant criticism of other people's actions, and it is extremely rarely constructive. In fact, this is just an excuse to express your eternal dissatisfaction with everyone and everything. Any reason will do for this - an unclosed tube of toothpaste, a wet mug from a cup on the table, unwatered flowers and similar little things that the other person will not pay attention to. In psychology, such people are called narcissists. You will not wait for them to admit their guilt, since this feeling has practically atrophied. They also never experience a feeling of sincere gratitude. Difficult people, for the most part, are completely confident that they are perfect and self-sufficient, and consider others unworthy of their great person. Hence the disregard for people. Without giving anything to others, they demand increased attention to themselves, even to the point of anticipating their slightest desires. If loved ones turn out to be too slow-witted, then they have a hard time - a burden of guilt falls on them, to which they are essentially not involved. But difficult people make them feel it and truly believe they are guilty.
Difficult people are suspicious and see a catch everywhere. It seems to them that everyone wants to betray, deceive, and offend them. It’s strange, but in society such people can be cheerful and sociable; the whole burden of character is poured out on those who have to live and work with them. And where does the charming soul of the company go? In fact, they don't really love or care about anyone. These are common traits of difficult people. But they are also different. Personality types of difficult people In total, there are 6 personality types of difficult people. They all behave differently, but overall, each of them is completely unbearable. Hostile personality
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This type of heavy people does not like ceremony - they immediately begin to attack, behave rudely and willfully. Every dissatisfaction they have is a real outburst of anger with shouts, insults, and threats. Anything can cause their dissatisfaction - a person’s manners, minor mistakes, personal character traits. By doing this, they prove to themselves and the whole world that they are strong and right by belittling other people and suppressing their will. People with hidden aggression
If the first type of personality directly shows its aggression, then these people hide behind a mask of friendliness. But at the same time, they make ambiguous hints, make caustic ridicule and mean jokes. They create a terribly tense atmosphere wherever they are - in a work team, family or group of friends. Moreover, if someone meets them with retaliatory aggression, it may look from the outside as groundless attacks. Irreconcilable Complainants
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This type of person finds fault in everything and makes an incredible fuss about it. Moreover, if something doesn’t suit him, he won’t even think about fixing it on his own. It is much easier for him to complain about life, the government, the abundance of work and other aspects of life. Sometimes they may make completely justified complaints, but do not set themselves the goal of eliminating the problem. They perceive themselves as perfect people who for some reason are not properly appreciated and blame others for this. Unsociable people
It’s not easy with uncommunicative people who carefully hide their discontent inside. They withdraw into themselves, but any careless action can cause a surge of emotions, anger and irritation. They may say not the most pleasant phrases, trying to hurt you, to find the most painful place. "Nihilists"
These people have a negative attitude towards life, people and everything they do. Any of your actions will immediately be met with a wave of protest. Worst of all, they know how to apply logic and give their claims the appearance of constructive criticism. So for a while you may think that you are indeed wrong. "Unrecognized geniuses"
This category of people considers themselves much superior to other people intellectually. They are boring, boring, touchy, irritable and often very aggressive. They are always completely confident that they are right; they take criticism addressed to them with hostility, defending their position until they are hoarse. They believe that everyone should treat them with genuine respect and recognize them as at least significant people. How to deal with difficult people? In a sense, such characters can be called diagnoses. It is clear that these people need the help of a psychologist, and sometimes a psychotherapist. You can find a whole bunch of manias, phobias and other things in them. So how to communicate with such people? There are a few golden rules. Let him talk. Under no circumstances should you enter into arguments with such people - you will still not agree on anything, you will only ruin your nerves. Every protest you make will be met with another outburst of anger. Don't take his words to heart - let him speak. Indignation will be replaced by fatigue and he will calm down. If you have ironclad arguments, then bring them. But only those to which there is nothing to object. You will realize that you are right and, although a difficult person will never admit that he is wrong, it will already be impotent rage. Respond to reproaches with a smile. He is waiting for a response from you, and if you start a response wave of indignation, you will only please him. But he hardly expects a smile from you. Be self-sufficient. If you are confident in yourself and your abilities, then this person will not break you, although he has the ability to lower people’s self-esteem. Do not raise your voice to him - answer in an even, calm tone. Only such behavior will help you not to fall under the influence of a difficult person. Whatever you do, always remain calm. By the way, one last interesting fact - almost all geniuses and great people had extremely difficult characters. But at the same time, their wives were patient and wise women. Of course, this does not mean at all that every difficult person is necessarily a gifted person and that one must put up with all his shortcomings. But if you show wisdom and resilience, you can earn his respect and stop being a target for his constant attacks.
HVZ
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Hidden aggressor
What kind of person is this? A very harmful person, let's say so. Pretends to be kind and friendly, with a sweet smile on his lips. And smiling, he does all sorts of nasty things. Either he will sting painfully with an ugly word, then he will make a remark that is not to the point, then he will find fault with something else. All this is done with an innocent expression on the face. And there’s nothing to say about sarcastic jokes from difficult people.
It is morally unbearable to be around them. At work, at home, in the company of friends - everywhere they create a tense environment. And if you lose your temper and engage in retaliatory aggression, they will look at you with such reproach that you will feel ashamed. They may even shed a tear, saying, I’m joking, and you’re growling at me. In general, you will also find yourself guilty.
Irritability
Excessive irritability is one of the main signs of a difficult character. One person will behave calmly while in a traffic jam. Another will honk his horn furiously and curse everyone around him - both drivers and pedestrians. If something doesn’t happen according to plan - someone steps on someone’s foot, or a child gets a bad grade from school, it can turn into a real Apocalypse for such a person. Psychologists believe that irritability as an innate character trait is inherent in only 0.1% of the entire population. In other cases, this quality is a consequence of psychological problems acquired during life.
Whiner or complainer
These difficult people love to make claims. Sometimes they are quite significant. But more often than not, these are just minor quibbles.
And yet it doesn’t even occur to them to fix the problem. For what? For this there is a second class of people, and a whiner is the first class. He is perfect, ideal, knows and can do everything. Only those around him do not appreciate him, so he complains about his difficult life.
Whiners do not know how to admit their guilt. They regularly complain about how bad everything is. Forced to work 14 hours a day running sales jobs? It’s the parents’ fault, they didn’t give me a higher education. Problems with your husband (wife)? It is the mother-in-law (mother-in-law) who is a viper; she sets her other half against her dear wife. Is the child completely out of control? An ungrateful puppy is growing up; his grandmothers spoiled him and his mother (father) indulged him in everything.
In general, everything is bad. And those around you are to blame for this.
Poor attitude towards others
Do you often think that you are a very difficult person? Then think about your relationships with others. Difficult people are often lonely. Despite their large circle of acquaintances, they have few close friends. They communicate well only with people they themselves have chosen. Strong personalities despise other people, considering them stupid or unworthy of their society. Moreover, people often do not even hide their contempt for others. They openly admit that they do not like society and find it easier to work alone.
What other ways does a bad attitude manifest itself? Difficult people, as a rule, do not need love. They are self-sufficient. If a person starts a family for some reason, he does not pay as much attention to it as his spouse and children require.
Snail (silent)
This type of difficult people includes comrades who are always silent. They withdraw into themselves, showing with all their appearance how dissatisfied they are with the world around them. And they don’t say what exactly they don’t like.
Those around him have to guess: either they angered the silent man, or he himself found a reason for resentment and upset feelings, without the participation of those around him.
And if you start putting pressure on him when the cup of anger is overflowing, you will get such a fountain of poison that you wouldn’t wish it on your enemy. It is very difficult with silent people. They seem to hide everything within themselves, but they explode with enviable regularity.
Pessimist
It is difficult for a pessimist to live. He is similar to a whiner in some ways. Only the complainer (whiner) does not try to change the situation. Goes with the flow and whines.
A pessimist is distinguished by the fact that everything should be according to his will. If you start offering him reasonable options for solving the problem, you will get a destructive wave of protest. And it seems to give very logical arguments.
A typical example. A colleague constantly complains about her mother-in-law. Some colleagues, tired of everyday whining, advise her to rent an apartment with her husband and live separately. To which they receive the answer: there is not enough money, the eldest child is in school, the youngest is in kindergarten. The costs are exorbitant. Where can we pay for housing? And my mother-in-law is not very healthy. Even though she’s a reptile, her conscience won’t allow her to quit.
Seems like completely logical arguments. And everything is always bad, in all areas.
Genius of wonderful beauty
It is difficult to understand a person - an unrecognized genius. An invisible mantle simply trails behind him. A non-existent crown is worn on his head. His outfit is beautiful, but it looks like something out of a fairy tale about a naked king. Those around him do not see the luxurious attire; it seems to them that the king is naked.
So it is in the case of an unrecognized genius. He is the creator of beauty, he knows better how to live and what to do. You can't envy those around a genius. For the “creator of beauty” considers himself much higher than others. He loves to teach everyone about life, he is boring to the point of nausea. Boring, harmful, very intrusive. And you can’t contradict him. Once he is convicted of being wrong, he will defend his point of view with a face twisted with anger. He will lose his voice, but he will prove that he is right. And you little fools don’t understand anything in this life. Listen to me, only I know the truth.
Manage emotions
But admitting your shortcomings is only the beginning of the fight against a difficult character. Often people get stuck halfway and invent all sorts of excuses for themselves. “Nothing can be done, because this is my character,” they say. Such an excuse becomes universal for them. They use it in any conflict situation or to justify their own weaknesses.
In reality, a difficult character is not a death sentence. It is formed throughout a person’s life. It depends only on the individual himself where he will direct his natural inclinations. For example, everyone knows that people with choleric temperament are often unrestrained and irritable. But even they are quite capable of controlling their own outbursts of aggression.
If anger makes you unable to think clearly, you should not try to express it as quickly as possible. On the contrary, you first need to reduce the intensity of emotions a little. To do this, it is useful to use relaxation techniques and deep breathing. Sports and fitness activities help get rid of excess adrenaline. Oriental martial arts are especially effective in this regard.
We react to aggressors
Do you have to communicate with an active-defensive aggressor? Let him know that you can hit him with an even stronger wave of aggression. But for now you are skillfully holding back. And your silence is not weakness.
Better yet, shoot such a comrade with an arrow of crazy humor. Assertive, ironic and very powerful. Aggression is afraid of laughter and humor. Knock out the aggressor with the first blow.
Why is it difficult for a person to live? Why is he trying to pinch the other, to make a sarcastic joke about him? When faced with a passive defensive aggressor, ask these questions. What made a person like this? And if you find the reason, try to make every effort to eliminate it.
Passive aggressors love to impress with their “heavy” energy. After talking to him for a couple of hours, your head starts to ache. My temples are already pounding. Don’t give in to this, extinguish your “ward” with light and cheerful energy.
You will have to have patience and endurance. Communicate with him evenly, and ignore the jokes or destroy them with humor.
Whiner on the horizon
When difficult people are around, life becomes darker. We already don’t have many reasons to rejoice, and here we have the complainer crying in our ear. What to do with him? Already annoying with his whining.
Such a comrade can only be accepted with humor. Jokes with him, encourage him, and kindly mock him for his ability to see life in gray tones. Dragging out his mournful song? And you stop him right away with a joke.
Soon the complainant will understand that you do not plan to be his victim. Silence and make fun of people. What's the point of complaining to a person you can't beat? Your whiner will stop itching above your ear like an autumn fly.
One, two, three... Silent man, speak
A simple and complex person in one house or team are two direct opposites. Especially if the difficult one is a silent breed.
Again he sits with pouting lips, looking sour and silent? Talk to him, joke kindly. The snail must be forced to leave its house. Just don’t roughly pick it out, but gently pull it out. And how would you like to do this?
Conversation, conversations, jokes. Look for common topics of conversation. Sometimes you can talk about something that you understand, but this topic is not very interesting to you. And the silent one, on the contrary, loves her very much. Do you know that your snail colleague loves dogs? And you just have a dog. Tell a couple of funny stories about your dog. Ask if she had a dog. Are you planning to have one? Look, the silent woman’s cheeks will turn pink, and a sparkle will appear in her eyes. You look at her, and she sits contentedly and has forgotten to sulk.
What does “complex character” mean and what does it consist of?
It is not easy to take a person’s character and disassemble it into its components. This is not a puzzle that can be easily disassembled into parts and see how the mechanism works. A girl’s complex character is a biased characteristic, a feeling from communicating with a person. It is not easy to talk or consult with such people; they like to argue, insist on their own and believe that others are wrong or simply do not understand them. This is partly true. It is difficult to understand what is hiding inside a person if there is no desire to even start a small talk with him about anything.
A complex character is often formed under the influence of difficult circumstances that a person had to overcome while growing up. This is not always negative; very often it is a direct sign of a flexible mind, the ability to find the best way out and quickly understand your benefits from cooperation, the ability to achieve the most ambitious or crazy goals, despite the difficulties.
In general, psychologists call a complex character a set of qualities that cannot be influenced, changed, or explained. You just need to accept them and understand that the person will not change their behavior. This is a given. Therefore, in a relationship in which the girl has a complex character, you will not be able to be a leader and change her for yourself. But she will look for a partner who will be “under her thumb” in simple words.
Often there are girls who, behind a complex character, mask capriciousness, nervousness, and pretend to try to be complex and incomprehensible. You shouldn't blame them for this. These are problems in parenting. A person quickly gets used to the fact that people have to run around him and fulfill his every whim. If you have the slightest suspicion that the girl is not sincere enough and is behaving in such a way as to attract attention, you should not reproach her. It’s better to try to overcome shortcomings together so that she understands that she needs to rely on her own strengths, and not always manipulate guys. Although there will always be those who are ready to fulfill any whims.
We fight pessimism
Why are people difficult? The answer to this question may lie both in the character of an individual and in the environment around him.
What to do with him, with this harmful bore? Just fight with your own optimism. Sometimes you can joke ironically, smile, say something in a cheerful tone.
Let's return to the situation with the mother-in-law. Is your colleague whining that your husband’s mother is tired of you? With the most serious look, offer to neutralize the harmful woman. Remember how in “Operation “Y””? “Chizhzhzh-pok.” Make such a movement, say something in the style: we will neutralize quickly, skillfully, so that no one will guess.
This will defuse the situation. The colleague will smile forcefully, perhaps objecting that she will then be sent to prison for this. Continue to stick to your line, joke, don’t let us fall back into complaining and whining.
You just need to do everything extremely carefully. Pessimists are vulnerable natures. And one careless word, especially addressed to them, can greatly hurt a tender soul. If this happens, you are guaranteed a barrage of reproachful whining and accusatory arguments.
If your lover is a complex person
A man’s difficult character is a difficult test for every lady. At the beginning of a relationship, usually the shortcomings of the stronger sex do not appear as clearly as after the end of the candy-bouquet period. When a gentleman realizes that he no longer needs to court a girl in order to gain her favor, he gradually begins to show his true colors.
In any couple, people eventually begin to learn about each other's shortcomings. But ordinary relationships are characterized by the fact that these shortcomings, with due effort on the part of the man and woman, can be overcome and leveled out. For example, if a husband constantly throws socks around, this is not critical for family life. The wife can put the box in another corner of the room and invite her husband to play volleyball with the help of socks, trying to throw them exactly at the target.
But if the spouse is stubborn and has a difficult character, constantly provokes conflicts, God forbid, raises a hand against his wife - here you should seriously think about the advisability of continuing the relationship and the possible risks to health and life.
You are my genius
How to fight this comrade? He always plays smart, puts himself above others and doesn’t want to hear anything in response.
If he can’t, we’ll teach him. If he doesn’t want to, we’ll force him. To prevent our dear genius from turning up his nose too much, we will have to put pressure on him. But not in the sense of psychologically humiliating constantly. Not at all. We joke and ironize about our “backwardness.” You can say with a pointedly humble intonation something like: “Yes, I don’t understand at all how the repertoire of behavior differs from conditioned reflexes. I read Skinner, but I didn’t learn anything.” Against the background of such a statement, all attempts of a genius to exalt himself above those around him will be ridiculous.
But in order to say so, you need to be savvy in the topic about which our unrecognized creator is being clever. And understand it much better than he does. Next time, the genius, knowing that he is losing to you, will simply stop raising this topic. He may find something else, but as one of the options, he will be afraid to do it. What if you are much more competent here than he is?
Heightened self-esteem
Complex personalities often suffer from narcissism. Narcissism and high self-esteem make them irresistible in their eyes. Such individuals think that those around them will also pray for them if they themselves extol their virtues. People get offended if they notice that others do not admire them. They demand attention and admiration. Sometimes people are even ready to mistake flattery for truth. The complex feelings of a person are difficult to describe. He suffers from internal inferiority if he wants to constantly receive positive feedback about his activities.
But a person does not always need the opinions of others. Truly strong people are often complex. They do not take into account other people's opinions and consider themselves unrecognized geniuses. Sometimes their intelligence and creativity are truly appreciated. But even if this does not happen, a person’s self-esteem does not fall and he continues to be confident in his uniqueness.
Are these deviations?
Difficult people are not always deviant. Sometimes it’s just a difficult character. But those same geniuses or actively defensive aggressors undoubtedly have a whole bunch of phobias and manias. I feel sorry for them, but these people are disabled.
Those around them have to tolerate them. Where to go: the person, at first glance, is absolutely healthy. Can be an excellent specialist, the soul of the company and an intellectual. At home, he throws off the mask - and away we go. Sometimes not only at home. Colleagues at work get as much nuts as his poor family members.
But because of their bad character, they don’t put them in special hospitals. They can only shake their heads sympathetically, saying that we understand you.
In the most difficult cases, when a person becomes simply unbearable and his deviations are noticeable to the naked eye, he can be examined by a specialist. If we are talking about a family member, then this is easier to do. Psychiatrists from private hospitals come to your home, and you can arrange with them to pretend to be your acquaintances. You are having a casual conversation, drinking tea, and the doctor drags a difficult relative into the conversation. Finds out his problem, then tells you how to behave further, what to do with him.
In especially severe cases, you will have to persuade a difficult household member to undergo treatment.
If we are talking about a colleague, then one can only sympathize. It’s good if this colleague is not in a leadership position. What if it's the boss? Then it’s better to quit than to get on your nerves.
Sarcasticity
This trait of a difficult character is aimed at hurting other people, touching on their shortcomings. Moreover, this is always done in the most sophisticated expressions and often in front of everyone. Pleasant jokes can never ruin your mood. As for sarcasm, it causes only negative emotions. This phenomenon is a socially acceptable type of aggression. If a person cannot express to another everything that he thinks about him, that makes him a target for his sarcastic statements.
Often the reason for sarcasm is the desire to attract the attention of others. Psychologists have found that this trait is characteristic of people who come from large families. It also affects those in whose families parents and other adults were not ashamed to communicate with each other through ridicule.
To overcome the craving for acute slander, you need to think - why utter offensive words and what is their ultimate goal? After all, in order to attract the attention of society, there are many more positive ways. If the statement of a colleague or relative seems completely stupid and makes you want to tell a cruel joke, it is useful to ask your interlocutor a few clarifying questions instead. For example: “Why do you think so?”, “Do you think things could be different?” This will help you show yourself as a delicate and attentive person. This will allow the interlocutor to maintain a sense of self-esteem.
