“Everything is under control”, or avoidance of emotions - avoidance of life

What is the danger of the symptom?

When a person is scared, he instinctively runs away. And then he tries to avoid the place and/or situation that he repented was dangerous. And it doesn’t matter whether the danger was real or imagined.

Not only people behave this way, but also animals in the wild. The hare, hearing the creak of branches behind him, immediately makes his feet. And in this way he often saves his life.

Fleeing is the most obvious simple and effective way to save yourself from danger. But with an anxious patient, this instinctive natural method of salvation plays a cruel joke - it does not give him the opportunity to get rid of chronic anxiety. On the contrary, escape and avoidance worsen the state of an anxious neurotic day by day.

The harmfulness of neurotic avoidance lies in the fact that a person runs away from an imaginary danger. Gradually, the number of dangerous places, situations and sensations increases. And it turns out that the neurotic already avoids almost everything. Sometimes life itself.

The main harms of avoidance behavior in any anxiety disorder (panic, generalized anxiety, social phobia, obsessive-compulsive, etc.) are as follows.

1. Flight and subsequent avoidance prevent anxiety from dissipating on its own, showing that it can go away on its own without causing any harm.
2. Such behavior does not allow the neurotic to truly deeply realize that his fear is just a fantasy. It seems that the person knows this, understands everything. But if he avoids the “danger,” his brain still considers it real. Even if the individual himself understood everything a long time ago.
3. Avoidance strengthens a person's perception that he is weak, dependent, and inadequate. And he makes him refuse to perform more and more actions, sometimes confining his life within the confines of an apartment, or even a room.

Escape from Worry

Traditionally, psychologists believed that neurotic patients tended to avoid only certain situations and external objects. However, recently, in the course of numerous clinical studies, it was found that the usual “objects” of avoidance are a person’s thoughts and visual images, his emotions and physical sensations. Everything that leads to anxiety.

In the article about catastrophizing thinking, which underlies any anxiety disorder, we already said that almost all neurotics catastrophize not only and often not so much the main frightening event, for example, failure in an exam, but their fear of worrying about this failure.

Failing to pass an important exam is not so bad. But not making it to the toilet because of anxiety during this exam is what’s truly scary. Or get a heart attack because your heart is beating mercilessly due to nervousness.

And it is the fear of anxiety itself that leads to the fact that there are more and more objects to avoid. After all, a person has to isolate himself from everything that can cause him anxiety.

Imagine what would happen to the poor bunny in the forest if she was afraid not only of a creaking branch, but also of her reaction to this creaking.

“Now I’ll sit under a bush,” the hare would think. “And then the branch creaks. And I'll be scared. And what will happen to me? How can I run away from the fox when my stomach tightens and my breathing intensifies? I’ll be confused and won’t be able to act clearly under stress.”

Fortunately for the bunny, such creative thinking is not typical for him. He will be frightened by the creaking of a branch because this sound may not indicate the approach of a predator. He will get scared and run away. But he will not continue to avoid the bushes because they made him nervous. And being nervous is dangerous.

The bunny won't blow his mind like that. And he will become an anxious neurotic.

Reasons for avoidance

Each person unconsciously strives to maintain his or her inner balance. No one wants to be upset unnecessarily, much less experience incredible mental suffering. In an attempt to isolate himself from encountering troubles, a person may begin to lie to himself. What reasons could there be for this? Let's take a closer look at the reasons.

• Uncomfortable situation. If a problem baffles us, we are likely to try to put off solving it for a while. True, sometimes it happens that an individual deliberately increases the period of his reflection, because he cannot make the right decision. A situation that causes mental discomfort can bring a lot of unpleasant sensations, even cause severe disappointment. For example, if a girl is shy about a particular guy and begins to feel extremely awkward in his presence, most likely she will try to avoid meeting him by all available means. When a student is not prepared for an exam or does not know the question well enough, he will try to avoid an awkward moment and will delay it until the last minute. It turns out that avoidance is one of the forms of defensive behavior that is natural for humans.
• Serious problem. When something changes in an individual's life, not everyone is able to accept the changes as something natural. Many people will find significant arguments to stop being active. Only a few are able to truly thank fate for what happens to them and begin to look for additional opportunities. Serious problems sometimes unsettle you and make you consider yourself a loser, incapable of anything. In a state of depression, it is hardly possible to make the right decision. Most likely, you will experience disappointment, a negative attitude and mistrust about the near future. This is where avoidance behavior comes to the rescue again. A person simply isolates himself from an unpleasant event and stops worrying for a while. Otherwise, we would have to deal with an unpleasant task, for which not everyone is always ready.

Examples of frightening phenomena

There are countless situations, objects, thoughts and physical sensations that a neurotic patient may avoid. Here are just some of the most common examples.

Situations.

• Queue at the supermarket.
• A visit to the hairdresser or dentist.
• Driving a car along an unfamiliar route.
• Staying at home alone.
• Distance from home.
• Travel by public transport.
• Public speaking.
• Making a phone call to a stranger.
• Applying to a salesperson in a store with a request to show or explain something.

Thoughts:

• about sex;
• that through negligence or intentionally you can cause harm to someone;
• about disasters and accidents that may happen to the person himself or his loved ones;
• about amputations and organ loss;
• about embarrassing situations that have occurred in the past or are hypothetical;
• about diseases, especially deadly ones;
• about divine punishment for sins;
• about the death of loved ones;
• about sexual orientation (your own or someone close to you).

Physical sensations:

• accelerated heartbeat;
• shortness of breath, feeling of lack of air;
• dizziness;
• weakness and lightheadedness;
• sweat, especially cold;
• nausea;
• "defocus" of vision.

Each individual may have his own phenomena, peculiar only to him, which he avoids. Therefore, it is impossible to re-clean everything.

If you want to get rid of your anxiety disorder,

then you should definitely write down as many examples of your avoidance as possible.

Compiling a complete list of objects is not always easy. Since escape can be veiled.

A person fears for his heart and health. Therefore, he does everything possible not to strain himself physically.

If he avoids fitness classes and knows perfectly well why, then it will not be difficult for him to understand the motives for his behavior. But it might be a little different.

A neurotic person who fears for his health can stubbornly ride a trolleybus 2 small stops from the metro to his home. Even in great weather. At the same time, he may sincerely feel that he is lazy. But in reality it will be avoiding physical activity that can “damage a bad heart.”

Solutions and prospects

Remembering the period of growing up, many of us (including myself) can safely say that the circumstances that developed then were looked at as problems that simply needed to be solved in order to move on if we wanted to get what we wanted. Do you want to enroll in your “dream” university? Problem! Lack of knowledge for admission - the decision to study additionally with a tutor - the result is new knowledge and perspectives. And there are many such examples.

It’s hard to even imagine how many times we have solved such problems without thinking about their problematic nature.

Why is it that in adulthood, instead of assessing a problem and solving it, we are sometimes ready to discuss it and enjoy it, instead of acting and benefiting from it?

Someone might say that it’s all about mentality, and continue the discussion on the topic “I have such problems! What are you talking about with your problems - these are just flowers, but mine..."

Having a sufficient “baggage” of solved problems, I can say one thing: every problem overcome is followed by development, growth and experience. And the greater the obstacles you overcome now, the greater the problems you will face in the future. And, as practice shows, their solution will bring even greater satisfaction.

Remember the joke?

“Have you become rich and have a lot of problems investing your free funds? No problem! Invest them in our bank! And you will have only one problem - how to get them back."

There is no money - the problem is where and how to earn money. There is money - the problem is where to invest and how to return it later or how to save and increase it. There is no housing - the problem is how to save up to buy. There is housing - the problem is what repairs to do and how to equip it.

Using "crutches"

Anxious neurotics are creative people with a rich imagination and well-developed resourcefulness. Therefore, they quickly figure out how to avoid the “danger” and at the same time accomplish what is necessary.

Usually, to solve this problem, they use “crutches” - certain objects, people, behavior that create the illusion that there was no avoidance, because some necessary action was completed. But in reality there was avoidance, only hidden.

The following can act as “crutches-objects and people”:

• reliable comrades, for example, parents who will accompany you somewhere or just be nearby;
• a mobile phone, a bottle of water, a chocolate bar and tranquilizers, which you must have with you at all times;
• headphones with your favorite music or any other distracting sound, etc.

Hidden avoidance also includes performing actions such as:

• calling a friend;
• breathing exercises and/or relaxation exercises;
• minimizing physical activity, for example, moving to a horizontal position;
• squeezing any objects;
• conjuring up peaceful pictures;
• convincing yourself that there is actually no anxiety;
• convincing yourself that everything will be fine;
• going to work;
• fixation of attention on a certain point, etc.

It is important to understand the difference between “hidden avoidance” and normal breathing exercises or having a cell phone in your pocket.

The harmful “avoidant” use of the listed objects, people and actions is indicated by dependence on them. And the instant anxiety relief they bring.

So all people nowadays carry a mobile phone with them. But a healthy person does not panic on the subway because he suddenly discovered that he forgot his gadget at home. This may be a little frustrating, but nothing more. But for a neurotic person who relied on the phone as a life-saving straw, the discovery that he is not nearby can drive him into a state of full-blown panic attack.

Doing relaxation exercises is helpful. But if a person is unable to survive any frightening situation without such exercise as preparation for the “test” or at the moment of anxiety itself, he still avoids what frightens him. Although he seems to be doing the things he is afraid of. But he does not live through a stressful situation, but avoids it by tensing and relaxing certain muscle groups.

Avoidance in social phobia: three types you need to know by sight

If you never avoided social situations, you wouldn't have social phobia.

Why do I repeat this all the time? Why does avoidance play a key role in maintaining social anxiety processes? In this text you will find answers to these questions.

There are three types of avoidance:

• avoiding situations
• avoidance of sensations (symptoms),
• covert avoidance.

Here are three of your “enemies” if you have social phobia, or social anxiety, or fears when communicating. Everything is very similar. A few more examples of avoidance in social phobia.

Why avoidance in social phobia actually hurts rather than helps

All living beings try to avoid situations where they are hurt, scared or unpleasant. This is a way to protect yourself from possible danger.

From a short-term perspective , avoidance is a great way to quickly and radically get rid of unpleasant sensations: once - and you’re done, and you’re already sitting in your hole alone, easy and not bothered by anything (as if).

It may seem that by avoiding, you are preventing the occurrence of unpleasant consequences: criticism from your superiors, for example. Didn’t go to talk about a salary increase = didn’t receive criticism and reminders about mistakes. Excellent logical chain!

But let's think about it. If a person, for example, is afraid of flying and avoids flying, does he reduce the risk of getting into a plane crash? No. There is always a risk , whether you fly or not. It is approximately one in 10 million.

The same goes for parties or conversations about salary increases: there is always a risk that you will receive criticism from your superiors, whether you go to talk or not. In the end, if you're really doing a bad job, the boss will come to you.

Those with social phobia or social anxiety very often (well, almost always) exaggerate the likelihood of the worst disaster that can happen during communication. Because these are their beliefs and this is their style of thinking (what other beliefs are there in social phobia and what other typical styles of anxious thinking are there, besides catastrophizing). It seems to them that the probability of the worst happening is almost 100%. (If I go to the boss, he will 100% remember all my mistakes and 100% will criticize me and 100% will have a secretary there.)

But please, let's assess the risks more realistically.

Here are the scales: on one side lies the risk of encountering something not very pleasant when communicating with people, and on the other side are the consequences of chronic avoidance, which are actually much worse..

Avoidance guarantees that your fears will remain with you for a long time, because you do not have the opportunity to check your fears to see if this is really the case. Besides, you don't have a chance to practice your communication skills, speaking, dealing with conflict situations, etc.

All social phobics worry that they cannot communicate. Well, where does this come from if you don’t give yourself the opportunity to learn? Imagine that you really, really want to learn how to ride a bike. Sit on the couch and really, really want it. A year later, we still haven’t learned. We looked it up on the Internet and took part in a group - but no, the new skill never emerged. The second year, the third, we already went to psychotherapy, but still the skill did not appear. I'm afraid it won't appear until you actually get on the bike and fall off it a couple of times.

So let's take a moment to pay some attention to the Three Types of Avoidance that you probably have. Identify them and... fight your avoidance.

Avoidance of social situations

What situations are we talking about:

• performances of any kind;
• conversations with other people;
• attending meetings, gatherings, and other events;
• acquaintances and dates;
• visiting the gym or other hobby clubs;
• and other situations where you are around other people.

If you just avoid these situations completely , you will never know that these situations are actually safe. In the vast majority of cases, you are not in danger. And if in a minimal number of cases something threatens, then it is something completely not as terrible as you imagine.

If you come and go - that is, shorten your stay in a situation - for example, coming to a party and leaving after a few minutes due to social anxiety, then you also perpetuate your fears: you remember that “going to a party = stress, leaving quickly = relief".

In fact, if you stay in the situation long enough, your fear will subside on its own . Check it out if you don't take my word for it. Why? Because that’s how our body works. It cannot produce hormones to keep fear at a constant high level if there is no threat. And if you stay in the gym long enough, you will become convinced that there is no threat, so the production of fear hormones can be stopped.

Of course, relief and calm will not come as quickly as if you simply ran away from there, but you already understand: in the long run, this is the surer path.

Avoidance of sensations and symptoms

The second type of avoidance is a reluctance to experience certain symptoms and associated actions . For example, avoid wearing a warm sweater to avoid sweating at a meeting. Or don’t order hot dishes in a restaurant so as not to blush in public.

This avoidance works in the same way: each time you reinforce the belief that blushing or sweating is a terrible disaster, it is dangerous for you.

And in the same way, if you allow yourself to sweat, blush, experience trembling hands and heart palpitations in the presence of other people, you will understand that this, of course, is not super pleasant, but it is quite normal. And it's not dangerous at all, because nothing happens after you blush.

Covert avoidance and defensive behavior

This type is the most interesting and the most encrypted. It is difficult to detect, but, as a rule, it is there. For example, instead of not going to a party at all, you go, but... seem to not participate in it. You disappear into the kitchen. You leave early. You are hiding behind someone's back. You are playing on the phone. These are examples of covert avoidance .

People from the outside may not notice it, and you yourself are often unaware that you are currently avoiding communication. More examples of covert avoidance: