Sooner or later, any woman wonders how to keep a man. Most often, this question arises when a turning point is approaching in a relationship, and the feelings of a loved one gradually begin to fade away. You can regain your former passion, but you will have to work on yourself and the relationship in general. There is no universal way to breathe new life into communication with a man. But there is no need to fall into despair and put into practice all the advice of friends and dubious specialists. You should always look for the main reason in yourself.
But does it make sense
No matter how strong and stable a couple’s relationship may seem, there is always a risk that another trouble or quarrel will cause a breakup. Lovers often quarrel due to misunderstandings and take offense at each other even without a serious reason. But not everyone can take a step towards reconciliation.
Often women wait for a man to take the initiative for reconciliation; they are guided by the principle: if he loves, then he must apologize. But it is very easy to hurt a man’s pride; even a minor reason can cause feelings to cool. There may also be a situation where a guy has been waiting for a long time for a reason to break off the relationship, but was afraid to do it himself.
Each situation needs to be analyzed individually, but all women should adhere to the following recommendations before doing so:
- do not hurry;
- be honest with yourself;
- think about the reciprocity of feelings.
To make a man think about the feasibility of a relationship, a woman can put into practice a number of special tricks, as well as adhere to the recommendations of psychologists in order to bind her lover more closely to herself.
In some cases, the opposite method works: a man falls in love more if a woman keeps him at some distance. Many ladies very successfully use this technique if they want to receive something material from their chosen one: a new thing, jewelry, even a car or an apartment. But to pull this off, you need a strong desire, as well as the ability to manipulate your partner’s feelings.
If a man is interested, keeping him at a distance is convenient. Representatives of the stronger sex are hunters by nature; if they have to woo a woman, they only fall in love more. But there is always a risk of “overstaying it,” which will cause men’s interest to completely fade away and the relationship to come to an end.
It’s worth figuring out whether you should try to keep a man close. To answer this question, you will have to think carefully, list all the reasons why you can do this, and also carefully analyze the situation that has arisen, weighing all the positive and negative aspects of the existing relationship. Perhaps all the manipulations are not worth it for the guy to stay around. It is very important here not to be led by emotions or desires alone, but to include logic.
Youth. "Freedom for parrots!"
Finally, the time comes when the boy becomes an old enough youth and can throw it in his mother’s face: “If I want, I’ll leave!” Most often this happens when entering college. The burden of encroaching freedom is intoxicating and frightening. There is no one else to fight with, there is no longer anywhere to get what was missing in childhood. But the gestalt is not closed!
I dealt with this by entering Moscow State University, my father’s department of mechanics and mathematics. They say my dad cried when I entered. I did not see. This is “to make you proud.”
And also, from an excess of feelings, to the Student Theater Workshops of Moscow State University. To accommodate the tangle of feelings that was languishing inside. This is “so that everyone notices.”
But all this is not the same! All successes are devalued, the attention of others, which at first is so pleasing, gradually requires an increase in dose, like a drug. Stops sticking around. Because that's not it! It's like trying to eat all the time when you want to hug.
Because you need a “good mother” - who will hug, listen, understand, and reassure. And, perhaps, then the young man chooses the clear path - to get married! And everything will be fine in his family!
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Psychologists unanimously say that we choose a partner who is very similar to the parent of the opposite sex. Not necessarily externally. But according to some important (even painful) characteristics. I call it for myself: my cockroaches are looking for friends in someone else's head. And if they find it - a lot of emotions! Mine!
At the age of 19 I got married. On a former classmate - I managed to study the character, the cockroaches approved. The love was mad, the emotions were a flurry. They started dating in May and got married in October. She was still 18.
We still live together, I think we live very well. I'm happy that life turned out this way. A good, rich life. But that’s not about that now.
Several years ago, the routine of life and the feeling of the unbearable heaviness of existence, when the usual ways of satisfying our needs stopped bearing fruit, led us to a depressive dead end. And then, separately, to psychotherapists. This was a turning point in our personal and joint lives.
We always talked a lot. This is probably why we lived together for many years. And now we have also begun to honestly say what is not accepted and unpleasant: about power in the family, about mistrust, about expectations, about mutual dissatisfaction...
I always thought that I was quite selfless. In general, I don’t need anything from others. From my wife too. It turned out that this is not at all the case. An honest conversation with myself led me to these discoveries.
- I need attention from my wife. I am so demanding that she is obliged to provide it to me at any MY desire.
- I need my wife's approval . Approval of all my ideas, endeavors, projects. Approval of all my actions. This is very similar to what is called complete and non-judgmental acceptance. They say that it is only possible between a mother and an unconscious and completely dependent baby, say up to a year or two. She shouldn't be angry or criticize. And even simply not paying attention is not allowed.
- My wife must share responsibility with me. I didn't take on anything without her approval. And if there was a failure, it wasn’t so scary. After all, she approved, which means she won’t swear.
I expect my wife to be a “good mom.” The one that didn't exist. Seeing another living person who just for some reason decided to live nearby is a most difficult task.
Reasons for fear of relationships in men
Why are men so afraid of serious relationships? In fact, there are several reasons, but each of them leaves a serious imprint on the male psyche:
- Bad experience, unhappy love. You can’t rush into a relationship if the guy just recently went through a breakup with his ex. It is better to unobtrusively ask him how he got out of this situation in order to assess how deep the mental wound is.
- A distorted view of family life. It is formed if there was a previous marriage that ended in a painful divorce. Perhaps his parents went through this. In such cases, the man is convinced that marriage spoils the relationship. A woman faces a serious problem: how to destroy this illusion, to prove to her beloved that life together can be happy if both begin to work on it.
- The image of a bachelor in the media, culture, and advertising is always presented favorably. A free man lives cheerfully, carefree, no one spoils his mood with or without reason. A playboy always has a lot of fans, but there are no obligations or responsibilities. Of course, such a world looks attractive. The main task of a woman who falls in love with a convinced bachelor is to convince him, to show him that there is an even more beautiful world of love and harmony that will help him find true happiness.
READ How to behave with a man: things every woman needs to remember
Behavior algorithms
A woman’s behavior when she wants to keep a man close to her is determined by the situation. Much depends on the guy’s social status, whether he is single or married, how old he is, whether he lives nearby or not. Also, a situation often arises when a couple has a child, then they will have to behave completely differently.
General advice from psychology that will be useful to a woman in any situation is as follows:
- Reproaches, jealousy, criticism and attacks will only darken a relationship that is already bursting at the seams. Any problem that arises should be solved calmly, without unnecessary emotions and hysterics. The best solution is a compromise so that everyone's interests are taken into account. You won’t go far without trust, so suspicion and jealousy should not appear without a serious reason, otherwise the man will quickly become indifferent.
- Your mood and appearance should always be at their best. No one likes to see next to them an always gloomy and unkempt young lady in a stretched tracksuit. A man needs to be convinced that a woman lives a rich and interesting life, while always maintaining a certain mystery.
- Down with restrictions on his personal freedom. This does not mean that you can openly allow him to meet others. But the presence of boundaries is necessary; the main thing is to ensure that love and care do not transform into obsession and total control.
- From time to time you need to maintain distance in a relationship. Nothing bad will happen if you leave a call unanswered a couple of times or refuse a meeting under a convenient pretext. This way the man will see that the woman’s personal life is not focused on him alone, and as a result, he will show more interest in her person.
- Demonstrating female attractiveness will help keep a man's attention. You need to be confident in your own beauty and hone your femininity. Let the guys on the street turn around after such a girl. Light flirting is welcome. But it is important not to overdo it, otherwise everything can turn into an outbreak of jealousy and scandal.
Let the man be given the role of leader in communication. It is necessary to reserve for him the right to make serious decisions and show concern. Even if he is wrong, you should not state it head-on, you need to unobtrusively make it clear what he is wrong about. At the same time, the guy must be sure that he came to such conclusions on his own.
When a man is married
Relationships with a married man rarely lead to good results. But if, nevertheless, a woman does not see her life without him, she will have to show willpower, act decisively, and be completely confident in her actions.
There is no need to try to replace his wife. Washing, cooking, cleaning await him at home, and he comes to his mistress to rest, relax, and escape from everyday problems. A woman should look good, be gentle and friendly.
It’s worth being emotional and romantic, demonstrating to a man that you don’t need anything from him except the opportunity to give him your love. At the same time, you need to show moderate care and remain a reliable friend.
Hysterics will only push the guy away. He is married, you need to understand that circumstances can change at any moment. If he suddenly cancels the meeting, it is best to react calmly and be understanding.
Constant whining and complaints about lack of attention will not help keep a married man next to you. When a woman starts a relationship with such a person, she should immediately be prepared for the fact that she will have to spend weekends, holidays and even ordinary evenings alone. What is the point of reproaching an unfree loved one for being with his family at this time? The wife will always be a priority.
READ How to please a guy, charm him and make him fall in love with you
You shouldn’t get used to such relationships, because they can end at any moment. Otherwise, separations will bring a lot of suffering, resentment will grow, which is why scandals will inevitably begin to occur. The man is fed up with this at home; he doesn’t need to organize Egyptian executions when he just wants to relax.
If he is younger
If the guy is younger, common hobbies, sharing interests, as well as constant work on oneself will help to keep him. A woman must keep herself in good physical shape so that her lover does not stare at younger girls. The beauty of a woman, both physical and spiritual, means a lot. You need to constantly work on this in order to attract a young man and remain interesting to him.
Love at a distance
It is difficult to keep the man you love if he permanently lives in another city or country. But nothing is impossible, because we live in an age of high technology, which greatly simplifies communication. To maintain the interest of a man with whom you cannot yet be close, you will have to regularly reinforce his feelings.
There is no need to be too dramatic about separation; let it be regarded as a way to ensure the sincerity and depth of feelings.
It is imperative to maintain constant contact, try to talk more often, share experiences, events of the day, news. Also, don’t forget to ask how he’s doing. But here it is important to adhere to certain limits and not to impose. Constant calls and messages are distracting and annoying. It is best to make video calls a couple of times a day. Maintaining eye contact is mandatory.
Jealousy is inevitable. But in order to keep it under control, you should discuss in advance with your beloved man that the relationship is based on trust. It will help you not to commit rash acts. You always need to tell each other the truth, the deception will still be revealed sooner or later, and then the relationship will inevitably fall apart.
It is very important that the connection is not only virtual. Personal meetings are necessary, even if they are short. A bright date filled with positive emotions will only strengthen the connection. And it’s easier to cope with separation, knowing that there will be a new meeting soon.
Have a common child
Having a child together does not guarantee that a man will remain close forever, no matter how much his girlfriends convince him otherwise. Often a woman decides to give birth when she feels that divorce is inevitable or, conversely, in order to marry a man. You can't blackmail a guy as a child.
Children can be a manipulative tool in a woman’s hands, but a number of nuances must be taken into account so that the loved one does not try to hide behind the horizon at any opportunity.
You cannot use a child as a reason to return a departed man. This will only demonstrate female selfishness. You need to let your loved one know that you can cope without him. If you are pregnant, you should simply report it without expecting anything. If a guy values relationships, he himself will begin to take action, because his pride will be hurt, and if not, then it is better to break up with him as quickly as possible.
Forcing a child will further push the man away from the woman. In extreme cases, his attitude towards the child will worsen, and it is vile to deprive the child of his father. It is immoral to try to manipulate the feelings and personality of a lover - this will only destroy his life. You should not act against the will of a man; it is better to let go if the feelings are sincere.
Trying to manipulate a partner with the help of a child, a woman often forgets about the baby itself. You need to understand that if pregnancy occurred as a result of a casual relationship, it is unlikely that the guy will experience love towards the offspring. He may remain in the family, but he will be guided only by a sense of duty, and not by love. Is it worth raising a child in such conditions, without fatherly love and care?
READ Why a man ignores the woman he likes
Before you try to keep a guy in a relationship as a child, you should think carefully about whether it is worth solving problems in this way. When a guy leaves a girl, something doesn’t suit him, the baby won’t correct the situation. You need to work on yourself.
Childhood. “Dad can, dad can be anyone, only mom, he can’t only be mom!”
After giving birth, I, like many Soviet children, was taken away from my “dirty” mother and placed in a sterile isolation ward for several days. It was the May holidays, and for three days I received my experience of addiction. And my mother, at the age of 19, had the experience of congestion and mastitis with fever - and the experience of inattention to herself under the slogan “doctors know best.”
(By the way, in our family, the two oldest children, including me, were not given their mother for three days. And we were both nervous, we slept disgustingly as children. And the younger two were already allowed to be placed on their mother’s stomach, allowed to taste the first valuable drops of colostrum - they are much calmer and slept at night.)
Further more: Dr. Spock with his ideas of dissociating mother and child, “switching off” the biologically embedded care program, and feeling for your child. And as a result of this approach - don’t shout, there will be no help. An experience of powerlessness and horror, I suppose.
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My young parents left my three-month-old future wife alone at home and went to the movies. When she screamed a lot, they closed the door to the room and the kitchen so as not to disturb her. “He will scream and calm down.” I mean, he will despair, get tired and fall into a nervous sleep from powerlessness. Good experience of “safe” addiction.
I remember how I, ten years old, tried to get a piece of care and attention. I was the eldest, I already had two younger brothers, my mother was nervous, there was a catastrophic lack of money, time and energy.
I, now an adult man and a father of many children, now understand with my head why she behaved this way, but then I painfully, hoarsely wanted to become small, defenseless, helpless, in order to feel the undivided warmth intended only for me.
But in our family, from the age of three I already became an adult - a brother was born. And I could only attract attention by doing the right, “adult” things.
One day I drew a beautiful picture on a piece of old wallpaper with pastel crayons. The crayons crumbled in my hands and stained my pants. The picture showed a big sun and two bright yellow chickens with big eyes.
I thought the picture was very beautiful! I called my mother, followed her into the room and brought her to the kitchen, where there was an easel with my drawing. This is the best for you, mom! Pay attention to me, hug me, admire me!
Tired nod. Have you done your homework? Bring the diary.
And in the diary there is a deuce. Fury, shouting: “And you’re still drawing chickens for me!” It seems to me that she tore off the drawing and threw it away. Burning resentment and shame. “I’m not like that, it’s not supposed to be like that.” Again it hurts, again there’s a lump in my chest, again I’m alone...
I think that such a strong reaction - and I still clearly and painfully remember this incident - is due to the repetition of the situation “I am abandoned, no one needs me.” And that horror works as a catalyst, multiplying the pain and turning an ordinary life episode into mental trauma.
Some women's advice
Women who have experience of successful relationships behind them are advised to adhere to the following model of behavior when communicating with a man:
- Criticism is excluded.
- Avoid tears in front of a man.
- Anyone can get tired of whining with or without reason.
- Do not start serious conversations about relationships unless necessary.
- Do not forbid a man to spend time with friends and have fun.
- Total control will scare anyone away.
- Refusal of intimacy is unacceptable without serious reasons.
- Ridicule and offensive nicknames are repulsive.
- Trying to put a man on a diet will make him unhappy.
Be interesting and mysterious
You always need to maintain male interest while remaining mysterious to your partner. The presence of a secret in a woman excites the male imagination. This could be constant reincarnation, a change of images, hobbies, a varied menu, or offers of unusual leisure activities. In front of such a lady, no man will remain indifferent.
Figure
Watching your figure is vital. No man will like it if his woman is out of shape and the excess weight is very noticeable. This does not mean that you need to lose weight to the point of anorexia. Many people like the pleasant fullness. But it should be just pleasant fullness, and not fat hanging down in rolls that even clothing does not hide.
It’s worth going to the gym, swimming pool, and mastering active recreation. It’s good if a man himself shares this: going to the gym together, skiing, biking or jogging will only strengthen the connection.
Don't press him
It is useless to put pressure on a man. Excessive intrusiveness and increased attention by representatives of the stronger sex are perceived as attempts at control. He will run away from such a woman without looking back. Constant presence nearby, attempts to violate his personal space without invitation will only scare him away. Men don’t like it when the “prey” falls into their hands. More precisely, they love, but they quickly lose interest in such ladies.
Adolescence. “We sing a song to the madness of the brave!”
I don’t know what happens with girls, but boys, as far as I know myself and other men, tend to rebel. Attempts to gain attention and love through useful deeds and achievements often fail: praise for good and routine things is stopped, and it is impossible to win Olympics and get leading roles in the theater all the time.
But all sorts of wrong actions cause a reaction! Yes, swearing, yes, shame, yes guilt, but what a concentrated response, how much energy, and only for me!
www.everydayme.ru
This is how the stage of counter-dependence begins, which takes place under the slogan “If I knock out my eye, my mother will have a crooked son!” This is a strange state when you outwardly seem not to pay attention to anyone, but internally you listen extremely sensitively to what is happening around you, first of all, with significant adults.
You learn to recognize your mood step by step and predict your next action. I still don’t know how to turn off attention from the outside, I can still hear what all my family, scattered around the apartment, are doing.
And putting on headphones to watch a movie or listen to music is downright scary - in case I miss something important. Or dangerous. Anxious anticipation and heightened readiness are the typical state of the house. I was very tired of this. All that was left was to run away to give myself a break.
In adulthood, running away is often masked with rational arguments: work, sports, hobbies, “doing business in taverns and bathhouses.” I have nothing against these activities. Moreover, I love it. But I know from myself that often these are all ways to “escape” so as not to be at home.
The good news is that after several years of psychotherapy, it gets easier. The house becomes warmer and more comfortable, anxiety decreases, and you can even have fun.
Counterdependence is only superficially different from addiction. In essence, this is a dependence with a minus sign - do everything the other way around. It seems to me very clear that in this case a person is just as dependent on the opinion and state of a significant other.
It is inherent in many men, because its external manifestations are similar to the image of freedom that society broadcasts to us. And freedom and ostentatious strength are the main signs of masculinity.
And often behind this screen of ostentatious independence hides a small offended boy of about five years old, sniffling and rubbing tears of resentment. And for added persuasiveness he repeats like a mantra: “It doesn’t hurt me, the chicken is happy!”
This unfortunate young man was exiled deep inside, with confiscation and without the right of correspondence. Because it’s unbearable to live all this again... And only the antics become more sweeping and reckless! Mom, pay attention to me. Mother!..
Turning to the powers of magic
In extreme cases, a woman can resort to white magic rituals. But this is worth doing only if all “legal” methods have been tried and have not brought results. There are a great many conspiracies and rituals for love, return or attachment of a man. They are all effective in their own way, but you need to be prepared for the consequences. Fate doesn't like it when people interfere with its course.
It is best not to practice divination on your own, but to turn to specialists. First, you can go to a fortune teller, who will predict whether this relationship is possible in principle or whether there is no chance. If a woman wants to keep a man with her, she can turn to sorcerers who will perform the appropriate rituals. But you need to understand that there are no guarantees. Still, it’s worth working on yourself better - this is a more effective way, although it requires time and effort.
Whether or not to keep a man next to you depends on many factors. If the feelings are strong and sincere, then the answer is “yes.” The woman will have to work on the situation, understand why her lover’s interest began to disappear. If you identify the reasons and do everything to eliminate irritating factors, the man himself will not want to leave.
