Quarrels between spouses, and, in general, problems of family relationships are a rather sensitive topic for modern society. Conflicts (in the general sense of the word) are part of human relationships. The question is what exactly they carry for each of the participants in the dispute (a conflict is a dispute about something). For one it is stress and resentment, and for another it is a way to assert their leadership and prove that they are right. Clearly, this way of relating does not eliminate disagreements. But what to do if there is a misunderstanding between two (or several) people in the same family (after all, problems of family relationships apply not only to spouses)? Let's figure it out.
What types of intra-family relationships exist?
Family is not only husband and wife, this concept is much broader. The family may include:
- a child or several children;
- parents of one of the spouses, if they all live together in the same apartment or house;
- brother(s) and/or sister(s) of the husband or wife;
- old grandparents;
- an uncle or aunt who provides their living space for the family of a nephew (niece).
There are different options for family composition, up to the so-called “family hostel”, when several related families live in the same area (it just so happened). And family ties in such situations are rarely strong, and relatives are rarely friendly. After all, every family (what can we say about individual individuals) has its own rules, foundations, and habits.
Conflicts and quarrels are inevitable. But it is quite possible to, if not completely avoid them, then at least make them minimal. Let's look at the main types of problems in family relationships and ways to mitigate or even eliminate them.
Objectives of family therapy
The main task is to reveal the family’s resources and discover motivation for the necessary changes, as well as focus on solving pressing issues:
- improving the family microclimate;
- creating safety for the expression of not only love, care and intimacy, but also negative feelings;
- respect for the needs and interests of all participants in family relationships;
- assigning responsibility for problems in the family to all its participants, as opposed to blaming one person;
- developing the ability to empathize, understand each other and accept differences in views;
- developing collaborative and independent problem solving skills;
- strengthening personal boundaries of family members;
- creation of a common hierarchy of norms, rules and values;
- achieving harmony between the desire of members of the family system for cohesion on the one hand and independence on the other.
We have been successfully helping families improve the quality of their lives together for many years!
Conflicts between spouses
Disagreements and quarrels between husband and wife can arise for several reasons.
- Conflict of interest.
Quarrels occur due to the reluctance of one (or both) parties to take into account the opinions, interests and habits of the partner. Such moments of crisis arise in every family. Attempts to change a partner “to suit oneself” are not uncommon and often lead to a breakup.
What to do?
Admit it to yourself - you are also not a gift and have shortcomings. Stop arguing. Just listen to your partner's opinion. Be patient, take a time out to think about the situation. What if it turns out that your partner is not completely wrong?
- Birth of a child
The appearance of a baby in the house (no matter the first, second or third) is always a test for the family. A whole sea of problems arises. Starting from financial ones and ending with “I have become ugly and he doesn’t love me anymore.”
What to do?
Have a heart-to-heart talk and tell your partner everything that hurts. Calmly, without tears, hysterics, screams and accusations. Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. But even if a problem exists, it is always easier to solve it together than alone.
- Disagreements regarding child rearing
Often, quarrels between spouses are provoked by the children themselves. Especially when there is no consensus between mom and dad about what the child can allow and what not.
What to do?
Gather a family council, where you will discuss the rules that work both for adults (what one prohibits, the other does not allow) and for children (if one of the parents said “no,” then there is no point in asking the same from the other).
- Excess weight
Don’t think that only women, when they get married, lose their shape and gain weight. This also applies to men. If a husband demands that his wife follow a diet, let him step on the scale with her, and not call her names. When they went through the “candy-bouquet” period, I suppose both were slim and took care of themselves.
What to do?
Lose weight, both of you. Playing sports together and going to the gym not only helps to support each other morally and lose weight, but also brings people together based on a common interest. Women, however, should take into account that losing weight is always easier and faster for men. But he is quite capable of getting involved and staying in shape just for the company of his wife.
- Conflicts over parents
Usually young spouses quarrel about this when they live with the parents of one of them. But such quarrels go away with the move. And if not? What if the persistent dislike of a mother-in-law for her daughter-in-law or a son-in-law for her mother-in-law (as well as vice versa) does not end beyond the threshold of the parental home?
What to do then?
Try to reduce contact with your parents. Refer to the fact that you are busy and promise to definitely look at them on the weekend or on the next holiday. As they say - the farther, the dearer.
- Finance
Money also becomes a common cause of disagreement in the family. Different income levels and different views on spending money can also cause dissatisfaction.
What to do?
Talk about joint plans. Renovating an apartment, traveling on vacation, buying real estate or a car... Investing money and saving it are topics for conversation and for creating a common financial family base. But don't forget about the daily needs of your family and each other. Arrange little surprises for your partner. A trip to a restaurant, a theater, or a small but pleasant gift on or without occasion will bring spouses together and strengthen their relationship.
- Jealousy
Quarrels based on jealousy are one of the most common family conflicts. Jealousy can be justified and far-fetched.
What to do?
Frankness for frankness. Be completely honest with your partner and express (but calmly) your fears and concerns to him or her. Tell him that you expect an honest answer from him. Listen and take time to think so as not to make mistakes (in the heat of the moment) with conclusions. After all, it happens that jealousy arose on the basis of speculation, superficial judgments, or on the basis of low self-esteem of oneself loved.
Other types of family conflicts
Conflicts with relatives living with spouses in the same territory will disappear by themselves when they move or exchange apartments. As soon as the family receives separate housing, all misunderstandings resolve themselves.
Personality conflicts with siblings usually rarely escalate into open hatred or war. Unless a housing (hereditary) issue arises. Then the conflict can be resolved in only two ways. The first is to nobly renounce the inheritance in favor of a brother (sister). The second is to stop all ties with him (her) and sue. Here everyone chooses for himself what is more important to him - an apartment or good relations with relatives.
Main stages of family psychotherapy
Psychotherapists working with the whole family use almost all methods of psychotherapy that exist today. But family psychotherapy is somewhat different from individual psychotherapy.
First of all, this concerns work planning. The entire course consists of several phases, the first of which is the assessment phase. During it, the therapist determines whether the family is functional or dysfunctional. The assessment is given based on the following criteria:
- The family accepts the problem and does not deny it.
- The blame for the current situation is not placed on one person, the problem is distributed across the whole family.
- All family members want a speedy resolution of the problem, and do not simply seek to blame the household member for its occurrence.
- The family is characterized by a high degree of tolerance.
- Within a family, all members are attached to each other.
- The family is quite close-knit and there is open communication within it.
- Family roles are distributed flexibly.
- There is no violence against individual members in the family.
- It is not acceptable to abuse alcohol or take drugs.
- The family solves problems not only using internal resources, but also accepts help from outside.
The first consultation with a psychotherapist allows the doctor to assess the psychological climate in the family and draw up a plan for further work. Family psychotherapy most often takes place in group sessions. But sometimes the therapist does not include some of the family members in the group, since for various reasons they oppose therapy, which makes the psychotherapist’s help ineffective.
Further work consists of correcting the problem; it is divided into 4 main stages:
- formation of an alliance between the psychotherapist and the family. At this stage, it is very important for each family member to express their feelings. The therapist demonstrates his respect for each of them and expresses understanding of their mental anguish. It is possible to move on to the next stage of correction only if the psychotherapist has managed to bring to the fore the differences in the individual reactions of all members of the problem family;
- Recreating the problem helps each family member understand exactly how the common problem affects him. During the discussion of the problem, the psychotherapist helps to focus the problem not on a specific victim, but on the entire family as a whole. Then the family member who was previously blamed for the problem disappears from feeling guilty. At this stage, the help of a psychotherapist allows you to reassess the traumatic event. For example, actual proximity to death should teach a family to value life and time together even more;
- reformulation of the problem. When the personal opinion and point of view of each family member has been voiced, the therapist should help the family integrate it all into a single whole. In this way, personal experience is transformed into family experience. The most vulnerable family member at this stage must re-evaluate the behavior of his relatives. For example, a wife’s reluctance to talk to her husband about a traumatic situation he suffered is perceived by the latter as a rejection of him. But in reality, a loving wife simply does not want to reopen wounds. This stimulates the process of recreating the integrity of the family and its cohesion;
- "healing" of the problem. The main task of this stage is to form a common opinion about what happened and optimistic views about the future. The situation in the family is not a problem, but only a temporary and surmountable obstacle. As soon as a “healing theory” arises, we can assume that the help of a psychotherapist in solving a specific problem is no longer needed.
This scheme is conditional. In some situations, a psychotherapist may base his work on a different principle, especially if it concerns domestic violence.
If the family wants it, the psychotherapist can provide further support in order to prevent the development of new problems. In this case, a consultation with a psychotherapist can be carried out through modern methods of communication, for example, via Skype.
How to improve family relationships with a wife on the verge of divorce
Do you remember your first meetings? Why did you choose your spouse? Why did she marry you? Why did you fall in love?
There was a lot of communication and it was pleasant. I wanted to be close, talk, enjoy together. And then…
Sexual attraction fuels a relationship only at first. Next we need a base, we need mutual work on relationships.
The main thing a woman needs to receive from a man is a feeling of security and safety.
Only this gives her psychological comfort: instead of a nervous, always dissatisfied wife, a happy, calm woman, ready for dialogue, will appear before you.
Yuri Burlan will tell you in detail how to improve relations with his wife after a quarrel and create a base of healthy relationships at free online lectures “System-vector psychology.”
Here we will cover the basics.
How to save a family and improve relationships with your wife: advice from friends and psychologists
There is a lot of advice on how to improve family relationships with your wife on the Internet. Every friend is ready to give practical advice, mom gives advice, psychologists offer special rules of behavior.
But everyone has their own life, personal experience, scenario. And through their experience, through their mental structure, our loved ones, sincerely wishing us well, give completely erroneous advice.
Mom may be completely different from her spouse, have opposite vectors of the psyche and desires. You are also not identical to your wife, so you perceive her through yourself.
“I feel good at home, but she always needs somewhere,” complains a man with traditional values, for whom home, family, and parents are the most important thing.
If the spouse has a skin vector or a skin-visual ligament of vectors, there is no life for her without society. Active, active, sociable. She loves her husband and family, but being at home for a long time is unbearable for her. She feels like she's in a cage.
To save a marriage, it is better to act not on inspiration or advice. And find a solution to the problem yourself, finding out the formula of the human soul, finding out exactly what your spouse and you really want.
