Childhood shyness - an individual trait or a serious problem

For a shy child, participating in a children's party, meeting new friends, asking mom to recite a poem to guests is real torture. Such children are not “eager to fight” to prove to the whole world what they are capable of; they are often unconfident and suggestible.

Shyness as an innate character trait is inherent in melancholic children - quiet, calm, self-absorbed. In this case, any attempts to forcibly change the baby’s nature can result in neuroses for him. But if shyness is the result of mistakes in upbringing, help the child become bolder.

Child psychologist and early development specialist Elena Vladimirovna Ushachyova explains: “When a child is shy, you need to understand how he himself feels.

Perhaps the baby is completely comfortable alone with himself, or having one single friend completely suits him. Another case is when a child suffers from the fact that he has few friends, he does not know how to make them and arouse the interest of his peers. There are already problems with establishing communications.”

“Children’s shyness manifests itself as early as 3-4 years,” adds psychologist Inna Aleksandrovna Maltseva . — For such kids it is problematic to meet a new person. They experience fear and anxiety, and feel unsafe in the presence of strangers. Shy children have poorly developed adaptive mechanisms. They are tense and anxious, constrained in their movements, overly restrained, it is difficult for them to express their opinion and be the first to say hello.

These personality characteristics of a child can increase by the age of 5 and gradually decrease by the age of 7. But in some cases they do not disappear, and anxiety becomes a personality trait even at school, which interferes with the learning process.”

Encourage independence

When at 4 years old a child is spoon-fed, at 10 years old he is packing his school bag, and at 12 years old he is choosing clothes and friends, it is not surprising that he grows up shy, dependent and insecure. This will continue to happen - even in adulthood, a person who grew up in “greenhouse conditions” is not able to make important decisions and overcome difficulties with his head held high.

Give your child a chance to show independence and strength of character, loosen control. Don't do for him what he is fully capable of doing himself. It is much better if you teach your child to tie his sneakers, rather than having to do it yourself until high school.

Don't form a picture of the world full of dangers

“You can’t go up this hill, it’s very high - you’ll fall and get hurt,” “don’t be friends with those guys, they’ll probably hurt you,” “you can’t walk alone, there are a lot of scoundrels around.” It seems that all these are just manifestations of care. But anxious parents pass on their many fears to the child, thereby depriving him of communication with peers and the opportunity to act decisively. Shyness is right there. The child will reason like this: if the world is so dangerous, it’s easier to hide in your shell.

Try not to form a dangerous picture of the outside world in your child. Yes, a child can and should be warned about the possible consequences of his actions and actions. But convincing a child that there are enemies all around is a big mistake.

Explain to your child that mistakes are normal.

Children are often embarrassed to do something because they are afraid of making a mistake. The root of the problem is inflated expectations and demands on the part of parents.

“Shy children, as a rule, rate themselves quite highly, but are sure that others are constantly dissatisfied with them,” explains Inna Alexandrovna. “They constantly expect positive evaluation of their actions from others in order to become more self-confident. Within himself, the child forms an assessment of the critical attitude of the adult. This paralyzes the baby’s activity and kills his initiative.

And if in early preschool age a child claims that he will not succeed, by the age of 6 he silently acknowledges his defeat. Stops turning to parents for help and withdraws into himself. Such a child prepares himself for failure in advance. His position in life is “I won’t even try, it won’t work anyway.”

Explain to your child that a mistake is not a failure. This is not a reason to give up and withdraw into yourself and give up what you started. The one who does nothing makes no mistakes. When a child learns not to perceive his mistakes as the end of the world, he will become bolder and more confident in his own abilities. Start small: do not scold or punish your child for accidental mistakes - a cup that is too developed, things that get dirty during a walk.

The essence of shyness

Shyness first makes itself felt in childhood, when the child is 3–5 years old. During this period, he begins to actively explore the world and communicate with people around him. Shyness is not difficult to recognize. When communicating with adults, the baby is constantly timid, embarrassed, remains silent and does not answer their questions. He experiences a strong feeling of awkwardness, preferring to avoid situations where he will be forced to engage in conversation with a crowd of strangers.

Despite their timidity, shy children are in no way inferior in mental development to their lively peers. On the contrary, while studying, a calm child makes great progress and has many talents and abilities. True, he is afraid to express himself, not believing in his own strength. In many cases, shyness becomes the reason for the formation of various fears in children.

Shy children consider themselves inferior to others, they are insecure and constantly worry about what others will think of them. This behavior affects the communication process, negatively affecting the adaptation of children in society. These children take a passive role in communicating with their peers; they are very vulnerable and sensitive, thanks to which other children easily subjugate them to their influence. It also happens that children suffering from shyness are attacked and bullied by their peers.

If you notice your child has communication problems, pay close attention and observe him. Shy children of preschool age are characterized by the following behavioral features:

• complete absence of aggression;
• they avoid any communication;
• do not like expressions of interest from strangers in themselves;
• they are shy and afraid to enter into conversations;
• perceive themselves negatively;
• They are sensitive to any criticism.

Pathological shyness, which prevents a child from existing normally in society, is a problem that needs to be solved. The above behavior creates conditions for correcting shyness in preschool children, so parents who notice a similar problem in their child should be vigilant and not leave this situation uncontrolled.

Give praise instead of unfounded criticism

A child, constantly faced with criticism from mom and dad, certainly begins to believe in his own inadequacy. Hence shyness, lack of self-confidence and numerous fears of not meeting the expectations of parents.

Praise from mom and dad is what a child needs for harmonious development. Praise your child for his successes, grandiose and not so grandiose, encourage all his endeavors, cheer him up. But as psychologists say, praise can be different - right and wrong. So your little one did something good, how can you react to it?

“Praise the effort, not the result,” advises Inna Alexandrovna. - Recognize the child’s efforts: “It must have been hard for you to give half the candy to your friend. It was a generous act on your part!” This will show your child that you appreciate his efforts and understand that being generous is not so easy. The kid may not need to evaluate his actions; it is much more important for him to know that you see his efforts.”

“Try to pay attention not to the child’s abilities, but to what exactly he did, and note this in your praise: “I see that you put away all the toys. It’s great that the room is now clean.” These words will be more appropriate than “what a neat guy you are,” explains Inna Aleksandrovna.

“Another way to praise a child is to ask him in detail about the work he has done. With your questions, you will help your child learn to independently evaluate the results achieved. “Do you like your drawing?”, “What was the most difficult thing?”, “How did you manage to draw such an even circle?” - these are the questions that you can ask your child when praising him,” advises Inna Aleksandrovna.

“Sometimes it’s important to just be close to the child, and words are not needed. If your baby turns his gaze to you, wanting to attract attention, look at him back or hug him. These seemingly unnoticeable actions will tell the child a lot - that you are nearby, that you are not indifferent to what he is doing,” adds Inna Alexandrovna.

Psychological work with shy children

Diagnosis of shyness and withdrawal in children

It can be assumed that the opinion about low self-esteem in shy children is erroneous. Experimental studies show that shy children rate themselves quite highly. The problem is their tendency to believe that others treat them badly, much worse than they treat themselves. This is the personal characteristic of shy children: the child checks his every action through the opinions of others, his attention is focused more on how adults will evaluate his actions. However, it is common to find shy children with authoritarian parents who have unreasonably high expectations for their child. Thus, the child develops an “inadequacy complex”, and he becomes more and more convinced of his inadequacy. Hence the refusal to work. Raising a child in the “Cinderella” style contributes to the development of his psychological defense, which consists in the fact that the child ceases to take the initiative in communication and activities, behaves quietly and inconspicuously, does not make unnecessary movements, so as not to “cause fire on himself.”

Shyness is often found in only children in the family who, for one reason or another, have had a limited social circle.

Shyness also occurs in children raised in single-parent families by single mothers. The increased anxiety of such mothers, who try to constantly control their children, contributes to the fact that children gradually lose confidence in the world and the people around them. A mother who has experienced an insult and wants to protect her child from this presents others around her as bad and evil. This attitude, depending on the child’s personal characteristics, develops either aggressiveness or shyness.

Therefore, we can assume that the main reason for the painful shyness of children of preschool and primary school age is an inadequate parenting style in the family. In adolescence, the main reasons lie in non-acceptance of one’s own physical body, one’s appearance, lack of friendly relations with peers, ridicule and humiliation on their part, intrapersonal conflict between the “real self” and the “ideal self”, the discrepancy between the level of self-esteem and the level of aspirations, inability express your feelings.

Anxiety is part of the shyness symptom complex. According to E.K. Lyutova and G.B. Monina, “anxiety develops in children when they have an internal conflict provoked by the excessive demands of adults, their desire to put the child in a position dependent on themselves, the lack of a unified system of requirements, and the presence of anxiety in adults themselves. The mechanism of anxiety is that the child is in constant anticipation of troubles, problems and conflicts; he does not expect anything good from others” [28, 202].

The work of a psychologist directly with shy children should be carried out in several directions: psychodiagnostics, psychoprophylaxis, psychocorrection, psychological counseling, etc.

The diagnostic stage, like all others, should include work with parents, the child, and teachers (see Table 1).

Table 1

Diagnostic program to identify the causes of shyness in children

The main difficulty in working with shy children is establishing contact with them and developing trusting relationships. In this case, there is no need to rush; it is necessary for the child to get used to the psychologist.

At first, the specialist must systematically come to the group, conduct observations, talk with the teacher, conduct games and participate in them. When the child can communicate more or less freely with the psychologist, individual work can begin in the office. Most likely, the child will not want to complete the tasks. Then you can offer to play, draw, i.e. do what he wants, and try to include tasks in the context of the game or, in extreme cases, postpone them.

During this period, it is advisable to use projective techniques

, including conversations based on drawings.
You can also use elements of puppet therapy
.

Gradually you can include the child in subgroup work

- through the organization of joint activities, joint games. It is necessary to choose assignments or tasks that the child can certainly cope with. Creating situations of success will help develop self-confidence. It is imperative to celebrate his successes by saying it out loud. But you should not focus on the child, as this will only confuse him. Therefore, it is better to help him indirectly, without pressure. An assignment or a request can be motivated by the fact that an adult cannot cope without his help [12, p. 96].

Shy children interact much more easily with younger children than with peers or adults. This moment can also be used to develop the child's self-confidence and positive self-perception.

A request addressed to a shy child should contain specific tasks. It is important that it is expressed in a calm, soft voice, contains an address by name and is accompanied by a gentle touch. When communicating with shy children, it is necessary to exclude loud, harsh intonations, addresses in the form of orders, and humiliating or critical statements. The main thing is tact and patience.

An effective way to expand the behavioral repertoire of a shy child is to involve a peer assistant

who is characterized by high sociability, goodwill and will be able to involve a shy child in play and joint activities. But he also needs to be prepared: have a conversation, play out typical situations, etc.

Teacher-psychologist Melentyeva L.N.

Give your child the right to speak

Everyone was taught as a child that it is rude to interfere in the conversations of adults. Yes, it can be considered a “flaw” of the parents if the child constantly shamelessly breaks into the dialogues of the elders. Do not prohibit or punish - for a shy child this is another reason to withdraw into himself. Teach him how to politely carry on a conversation and express his opinion.

A child already at 5-7 years old can have his own opinion. He likes clothes of a certain style, he is not happy with the decisions of mom and dad. Let your child speak out; he also has the right to speak in the family.

Firstly, this way he trains eloquence and the ability to formulate his thoughts, which is important for shy children. And secondly, you yourself will get to know your baby better - what worries and worries him.

Advice from psychologists

Shy children do not get much out of life because they limit their communication with the outside world. They lead a secluded life and feel very lonely. It is difficult for such kids to make friends, they get lost in a large group of peers, and do not know how to stand up for themselves. To prevent him from feeling socially rejected, psychologists advise parents to instill in them communication skills. This is not difficult to do.

1. Teach your child to look the other person in the face. To do this, when talking to your baby, ask him to maintain visual contact with you all the time. Repeat the following phrases as often as possible: “Look me in the eyes!” and “Don’t lower your gaze!” This will reinforce the ability to not hide his eyes during a conversation, which will give him more confidence in the process of communicating with strangers.
2. Make sure your child knows how to start and end a conversation. Think through and write down phrases with your child for communicating with different groups of people. Let the child try to formulate how he would communicate with a stranger, a guest in your home, his friend, the new kid in the group, or the kindergarten teacher. Once you have divided your roles, rehearse what such communication might look like. Actively involve your child in telephone conversations; the immediate absence of the interlocutor in front of your eyes makes the communication process much easier.
3. Prepare your child in advance for various social events: visiting guests, going to a public place, speaking at a matinee, focusing on what can be talked about in various situations.
4. Pair games, according to psychologists, are the simplest and most effective way to correct shyness in a preschool child. To do this, invite your baby’s friend to visit, be sure to exclude watching TV during this time and give them the opportunity to get to know each other better.

Practice social scripts with your child

A shy child has difficulty even with basic “hello” and “goodbye.” Naturally, this does not have the best effect on his socialization in kindergarten and school. The baby is literally lost and cannot say a word, hiding behind his mother.

Try to develop your child's social skills with role-playing games and special exercises. Valuable recommendations are given by educational psychologist Lyubov Bykova : “There is a very good exercise “write a story.” It can be practiced everywhere - both during a walk in the park and while you are going to kindergarten. When you write a story together, the child involuntarily begins to share his impressions about his day in kindergarten - what he ate there, what games he played, who he walked with. With the help of such an easy and interesting exercise, you teach your child to express his thoughts and form a trusting relationship with him.”

“You can play a social game where the child acts as a buyer. You go to the store with him and give him the opportunity to pay for the purchase himself. As he approaches the cash register, he overcomes his fear of communicating in society. In the process, his independence and confidence develops. - adds Lyubov Bykova, - And if a child is afraid of public speaking, let him first recite the poem with his family. Then you can invite your grandparents and close friends to listen to the work. Work through every detail, creating a situation of success and supporting your baby. This way the child will stop being afraid and become confident. He will be happy to take part in the holidays, go to the blackboard at school and make new friends.”

“The simplest psychocorrection tool is to set up a home puppet theater. This way the child will rehearse different personal qualities in the game. He will choose for himself whether to be brave or cowardly, without receiving criticism from other people. The child will learn to transfer the personal qualities that were rehearsed in the puppet theater into life, advises Inna Aleksandrovna.

How to help a child overcome shyness?

First of all, you need to analyze your behavior and ask yourself questions: am I demanding too much from my child? Do I compare my child to other children? Does it happen that I force my baby to do what is important to me and not to him? Am I being too protective of my child? How do I react to his shyness? The answers to these questions may help you understand whether you should change something in your behavior and thereby help your child overcome shyness. To see what ways to overcome shyness in a child, watch the video.

A preschooler cannot overcome shyness on his own. The task of adults is to help the child cope with the problem. This can be achieved by following the following rules:

1. Develop a positive self-image in your child. Shy children believe that people around them have a negative attitude towards them, so they are afraid to open up and be ridiculed. To counter this feeling, you need to develop a positive self-concept, self-love and a sense of uniqueness in your baby. Try to create and maintain an atmosphere of trust and mutual understanding at home. Accept your child for who he is, do not criticize his personality and never compare him with others.
2. Build adequate self-esteem. Low self-esteem is one of the causes of shyness. To raise your baby's self-esteem, praise him. Set achievable goals for your child so that he finds himself in situations of success as often as possible.
3. Be an example for your child. Toddlers learn a lot through watching adults. Unobtrusively show your child an example of how to behave in a given situation.

Show your child that adults also make mistakes and experience negative experiences. The ability of adults to admit their mistakes and find ways to solve problems serves as an example for the child.

1. Reduce anxiety. It is very important to support the child emotionally and help him where necessary.
2. Teach communication skills. Invite your children to visit more often. In his own territory, the child feels more confident and it will be easier for him to make contact. It is better if the child trains communication skills with children younger than himself. It is also useful to play story-based games with your child such as “At the Doctor’s”, “In the Store”, “Kindergarten” and so on. By acting out various scenes, you can show your baby how to behave in certain situations.
3. Teach yourself to accept yourself and build your child’s self-esteem. As a rule, shy children focus on their shortcomings and weaknesses. Help your child see his own strengths. For example, you can send your child to a club or section that interests him and in which he will have potential.

Help your child expand their social circle

A shy child has few friends. Shyness and lack of self-confidence prevent him from meeting his peers and communicating with them as equals. And often parents, seeing how difficult it is for a child to be in a large group, try to “protect” him. A nanny instead of a kindergarten, a minimum of time on playgrounds, holidays only with family - these are a whole series of mistakes that hinder the child’s development and do not help him at all with his socialization skills.

Even if your child goes to kindergarten, help him expand his social circle. It is important that he understands: a new acquaintance is not scary, but interesting.

“Walk with your child during rush hour, when there are a lot of kids on the playground, so that he begins to interact with his peers,” says Lyubov Bykova. — There are many active games, such as hide and seek, catch-up, and cycling. Don’t be lazy, take toys and a scooter with you to the playground. Visit new places more often, where the child doesn’t know any of the kids yet: here he will learn to get to know each other and build new relationships. The game is liberating, helps you master a skill and make it easier to defend your opinion and develop initiative. Helps build trust and self-confidence by promoting spontaneity. It is better to use games that help expand the child’s behavioral repertoire and lead to the development of the ability to positively resolve problem situations.”

“Enroll your child in various developmental activities where he can meet other children. — advises Lyubov Bykova. - At the same time, you can move on to group classes gradually if the baby is very shy. Let it be first one-on-one work with a teacher, and then small groups of 2-3 people. And then there is a large team. Change the situations around the child gradually, giving him the opportunity to adapt, then learning to get to know each other will be comfortable and painless.”

Reasons for baby shyness

In order to choose the right tactics for communicating with a shy child and help him overcome modesty and self-doubt, you first need to understand the cause of the problem.

1. Heredity;
2. Features of temperament (most often melancholic and phlegmatic people become shy);
3. An example of a significant person (if someone around the child is shy, the child can follow his example);
4. Education (frequent punishments and prohibitions create self-doubt in the child and, as a result, shyness);

The reason for a baby's shyness may be that he is called shy. A child forms an image of himself largely from the words of adults, so try not to discuss his problems in front of him. It is better to shift the emphasis to positive aspects.

1. Cruel treatment;
2. Isolation (limitation of contacts as a result of illness or parental beliefs, overprotection).

Don't compare your child to other children

By comparing their child with other children, parents create unnecessary anxiety in him. The baby stops liking himself and becomes insecure and shy. Perhaps your friends’ child actually achieves great heights in school and sports. But the mother’s phrase “your classmate got an A on the test, and you got a C” will definitely not encourage the child to study more diligently.

Give advice, praise, criticize wisely. But in your “moral teaching”, avoid any comparisons that would belittle the efforts of an already shy child.

Elena Vladimirovna gives important recommendations: “It is very important for parents not to focus on the problem of the child’s shyness. There is no need to talk about this in front of the baby at all! Do not force him to meet and play with other children unless the child himself shows a desire to establish communication with peers. As a rule, by the age of 7 the problem of shyness disappears, as if it never existed at all. Believe me, your baby will grow up and will easily communicate with others and will certainly make friends.”

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Experts: Inna Aleksandrovna Maltseva Lyubov Bykova Elena Vladimirovna Ushachyova

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Is it worth paying attention?

On the one hand, modesty gives a girl charm. A shy boy cannot be called annoying, pushy or arrogant. These are sympathetic and friendly people, they will always listen and come to the rescue. Shy girls and boys make true friends.

On the other hand, it can be a disaster when a child is not able to communicate normally with children, play with them, or make friends. He is frightened by new people and surroundings. The kid is worried, but he can’t help himself.

These small problems grow into huge ones in the future. Shy people often remain lonely, it is difficult for them to find a soul mate and start a family. Because of their timidity and constraint, they are invisible and unsuccessful.

Man is a social being. He cannot live outside of society. And it is the duty of adults to help such a child. That is, teach how to interact with people. And it’s better to start doing this in early childhood.

Psychology: Shy children

Shyness and indecision in modern life are, if not a flaw, then certainly a character trait that interferes in many ways. Where does excessive shyness come from in children, and how can we help the child?

Signs of Shyness

A shy child is easy to pick out from the crowd. When visiting, he does not leave his mother’s side, hides behind her back, remains silent. Where all the children are playing, this little one sits quietly on the sidelines and sadly watches.

• General signs. Rapid pulse, muscle tension, profuse sweating, bright blush are the first symptoms. They constrain the baby and do not allow him to relax. As a result, the child feels severe discomfort. This is accompanied by a quiet voice, excessive excitement, if attention is paid to it. The kid is cautious in his actions. It’s easier for him not to do anything at all in order to remain invisible.
• Self-criticism. Such children are overly demanding of themselves. They consider themselves worse than others, inferior. This applies to both appearance and behavior. As a result of complexes, they become even more distant from people.
• Closedness. Closed children in any group. It is difficult to get them to talk or involve them in social activities. They try to remain silent when asked; they prefer loneliness to fun games.
• Shyness. Any child will be happy when he is praised, but not this little one. It is easier for him to remain in the shadows than to receive a portion of a little attention. Public praise is stressful for him.
• Shyness. Fear of novelty and public. New people, places, any unfamiliar situation. The baby tries to get away from her, to hide. He feels calm only in familiar surroundings.
• Indecisiveness. It is difficult for such a child to make decisions. He feels insecure about his own actions and thoughts. He is tormented by doubts: whether he is doing the right thing or not. Even small tasks cause huge difficulties.
• Speech impairment. In ordinary life, these children are uncommunicative; they do not talk to strangers - they are shy. Speaking in public is contraindicated for them. Fear and anxiety can lead to stuttering and hesitation in speech.

Where does shyness come from?

To help a child overcome excessive modesty and uncertainty, you need to know the reason for its origin. Sometimes, by eliminating the source, the problem itself disappears.

• Heredity. If close relatives in the family, including parents, suffered from shyness, the baby could inherit this quality.
• Due to temperament. Phlegmatic and melancholic people are naturally prone to shyness. These types of temperament are also characterized by introversion. That is, they are focused not on external communication with people around them, but on their inner world.
• Example of parents. Children learn to interact with society by repeating the behavior of adults. If one of the relatives in the family has this quality, the child could copy it.
• Upbringing. Sometimes parents themselves, without knowing it, instill shyness in their child. Criticism, frequent punishments, prohibitions without explanation form a certain behavior of the child. He tries to meet the expectations of adults.
• Cruelty. When there is an unfavorable situation in the family, there is psychological pressure, tyranny or assault, the baby closes down, grows up fearful and tense.
• Long-term isolation. In other words, lack of experience. This happens when a child is often sick and stays at home. The reason may be the family's closed intra-family policy. Parents devoted little time to the baby’s communication with other children.
• Overprotection. As a type of special (intentional) isolation. This is excessive guardianship over the child by family and friends. It occurs in overly anxious and suspicious parents. Fearing for the baby's health, or that he may be offended, adults deliberately do not allow contact with strangers. It is common for parents suffering from overprotection to keep their children in “home confinement.”

Shy child: future loser?