Emotional manipulators have a special talent. Their mind games can be very effective, which is why some unscrupulous people resort to manipulation so often. Several years ago, researchers from Cornell University, together with staff from the University of California, conducted an experiment on one of the popular social networks. Scientists deliberately played with the emotions of 689 thousand users. They tried to manipulate people's feelings by telling some people only negative stories and others only positive ones. As it turned out, the own posts of users who were subjected to a massive psychological attack largely coincided with the content that the researchers showed them.
The social network Facebook, where the experiment was conducted, came under a barrage of harsh criticism, if only because it gave consent to the illegal research. None of the subjects consented to participate in this research project. However, worse than the tactlessness of the company’s management, there was a conclusion that amazed the scientific community. It turns out that the desired emotions can be easily evoked through manipulation. After all, if social networks are able to control the psychological state of their users by changing the settings of the news feed, imagine how much easier the task will be in the case of psychological impact on a specific person. The manipulator is well aware of all the strengths and weaknesses of his victim. He knows at what point he can press on the pressure points. A skilled emotional manipulator can destroy your self-esteem to the core and even undermine your faith in your own mental health.
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Striving to overwhelm you with facts and statistics
A certain number of people have a tendency towards “intellectual hooliganism”; they ascribe to themselves the role of an expert, the most knowledgeable in some areas.
These people take advantage of you by pushing facts, statistics, and other factors that you may not know much about. This can occur in sales or financial situations, during professional discussions or negotiations, and in the presentation of social and relational arguments. Some people use this technique to feel a sense of intellectual superiority.
Unpleasant surprises
Stop manipulating me!
Also, certain individuals may present you with unpleasant surprises in order to throw you off balance and gain a psychological advantage.
This can range from an argument during negotiations to a sudden confession that he or she would be unable to make or describe in other settings.
As a rule, unexpected negative information hits you without warning, so you have very little time to prepare and make a response. The manipulator may ask you for additional favors necessary to continue your work together.
Constant judgment and criticism that makes you feel inferior
Unlike the previous type of behavior, in which humor is used as a cover, here the manipulator influences you directly.
By constantly belittling, ridiculing, and keeping you at a distance, he or she keeps you off balance and asserts his or her superiority. The bully deliberately contributes to the impression that makes you believe that there is always something wrong with you and that no matter how many times you try, you are inadequate and will never be good enough. Basically, the manipulator concentrates on the negative without providing correct and constructive solutions and does not offer you his help.
How to leave a destructive relationship
It is difficult for a person to end a destructive relationship due to feelings of guilt, fear of taking responsibility for one’s own decision and changing everything. He is afraid that he will never meet a better partner, that he will not be able to cope with life without him, since for a long time all attention and energy were focused on him. The disappearance of a lover is equated to one’s own disappearance and a complete loss of the meaning of life.
Most of these fears are irrational in nature. Freeing yourself from the influence of destructive attachments is real, although not easy. A person will have to face his problem, understand the reasons that led to the current situation, otherwise the next relationship is doomed to follow the old scenario, and also learn to find strength and support in himself.
Kristina Kostikova
It won't be easy to leave. As soon as you decide to stop communicating, such a partner becomes as flexible, kind and helpful as possible. Doubts may arise: “Maybe I just imagined it?” But if you stay, everything will come back.
If you decide to leave, do it right away. Know that a better, free life awaits you next, and relationships can be different. To do this, you need to work not on your partner, but on yourself. You and your behavior strategy will change, and you will meet completely different people who will appreciate, love and respect you. And the support of loved ones and a psychologist will help with this.
“I can’t live without you” is a beautiful but frightening cliche that has nothing to do with a healthy relationship. Share this text in case it catches the eye of someone who has long been hesitant to break with a destructive attachment.
Feigned ignorance
This is a classic tactic that involves portraying one’s own illiteracy.
By pretending that he or she does not understand what you want from him or her, the manipulator, in a passive or aggressive form, forces you to take on his or her responsibilities and do other people's affairs yourself. Some children use such tactics in order to gain time, mislead and force adults do what they don't want to do. At the same time, adults also use it to hide something or avoid certain responsibilities.
Manipulation through feelings
That is, manipulation through feeling is the feigned behavior (falsification of facts) of one person in order to evoke certain feelings in another in order to achieve one’s goal, as I think.
Everyone manipulates: children, adults, different levels of education, income, lifestyle. Some manipulate consciously - advertisers, salesmen, scammers, politicians (and it is no coincidence that they are in the same row), others unconsciously - children (when they grow up - already consciously), people who are not used to being aware of their behavior.
When does a person resort to manipulation?
A person resorts to manipulation when he cannot achieve his goal in a direct and honest way and/or does not want to accept another scenario and the free will of another person.
For example, a baby wants a toy in a store and asks his mother to buy it. Even if he is 1.5-2 years old, he just says “I want” and pulls the handle. The mother, of course, understands what her child wants, but, for example, at the moment her finances are limited. She takes the child away or distracts his attention. Let's say that a child has become very attached to a toy and does not want to leave without it. How does a child achieve his goal? That's right, he's crying. Sometimes very loud. Sometimes it's hysterical. Mom is embarrassed, mom is ready to do anything, just NOT... attract attention/hear loud noise/look like a cruel and greedy mother in people’s eyes (underline your option). And the mother buys the child a toy.
Children are quick learners. And if this incident was an unconscious manipulation - the baby forced the mother to do what he wants, then several such repetitions reinforce this stereotype of behavior - “this is the only way you can achieve your goal,” the baby understands. By becoming an adult, a person already has a whole arsenal of manipulations.
And the baby learns from adults:
- Well, eat some more porridge, otherwise you won’t grow up / if you don’t go to bed now, I won’t let you watch cartoons tomorrow (manipulation on the feeling of fear).
- You are so heartless, I do everything for you, and you... / shut up and not talk - get offended (manipulation based on feelings of guilt).
— You need to kiss/congratulate/visit your grandmother, otherwise she will be upset (manipulation based on feelings of pity).
- You are a daughter/mother/wife, or a son/father/husband, or a psychologist/astrologer/cosmetologist/, or a passenger/director/whoever, and therefore you should/must! (based on a sense of duty).
- etc.
What is another option for the development of events or free will?
For example, in the case of a baby, accept that the mother may not buy the toy. Well, I think this is too difficult for a child to understand.
But in the case of porridge, the mother does not accept that the child has the right to eat as much as his body wants, and that the child should not satisfy the mother’s peace of mind that he is full at the cost of overeating. In the future, this leads to the fact that the child forgets how to listen and understand his body, and focuses on his mother: the mother knows when he is hungry, cold, when he is tired, what to do, who to marry, where to study, who to work with and in general, how to live.
Manipulation in relationships is described by Eric Berne in the books People Who Play Games and Games People Play. I think that those who want to study this topic in more detail will read the original source.
And how mothers love to manipulate their grown children out of feelings of pity and duty! They use valerian, validol on the tongue, nitroglycerin under the tongue, the bulb of the tonometer (a device for measuring blood pressure) shrinks nervously... If this does not help, then the mother begins to believe in the deterioration of her condition when the headstrong daughter ends up marrying the wrong person!! !, or the son still leaves to be with his wife and children, or the “child” does something that the parent does not agree with, which actually makes him sick. Most diseases in adults are overplayed manipulation.
Remember how we ourselves got sick when we didn’t want to go to school. We offer cartoons, lying in bed and goodies. By the way, when an adult does not want to go to work, he also gets sick.
In the case of sales of goods. It is beneficial for the seller to buy goods from him. But instead of improving the quality of the product and the quality of service, the seller uses manipulation through various advertising techniques, which are often not only illegal, but also harmful to the buyer. So, for example, many discount promotions - 3 goods for the price of two - lead to a person buying something that he did not need even in one quantity. Here, of course, you shouldn’t place all the blame on the seller, because... and the buyer still has a choice - to fall for this manipulation (out of fear that he won’t get it or that it will be cheaper) and buy or consciously refuse, and make a purchase at the time, at the price and in the place where he chooses .
How can you communicate directly?
This is surprising, but for the vast majority of people this question does not even arise. It seems that people have already forgotten how to speak directly. Why? The fact is that several generations communicate through manipulation, live unconsciously, regulating their lives and activities with conditioned reflexes.
Let's imagine how it could be different?
For example, a mother forces her baby to eat porridge. Suddenly the mother understands that her concern that the baby is not full is a concern not so much for him, but for herself: she won’t bother her longer and she can go about her business, she is calm that the baby is full = (equally) healthy.
And the mother makes a decision: let the baby eat now as much as he wants. When he gets hungry, he will tell/ask for it (after all, the child is not his own enemy - he will not starve himself). I can give my child the freedom to focus on his hunger and understand his body. And this is how he will learn to take care of himself. My task is to set the table. (When the child can already do this on his own, encourage him to further independence). As a result, the mother will have free time for her own affairs, and she will be able to rest assured that her child is feeling full, because... entrusted him with responsibility for his feelings. That is, the mother will achieve the same result that she sought through manipulation, but at the same time receives a lot of benefits:
- the child grows up independent, knows how to trust himself, his feelings and sensations, which means he will focus on himself in the future, and not be a puppet in the hands of others;
- Mom has free time as she wanted and peace of mind. At the same time, the mother has inner confidence that everything is fine and self-esteem instead of fear.
And this is respect for the will of others (in this case, the will of the child - to eat as much as he wants and at the time he wants). And accepting other options - the child does not eat when we want it.
For this behavior, the mother will need to learn to treat herself this way: allow herself to eat when she wants, and not wait for the whole family. Cook for yourself what you love, and not give up your favorite dishes in favor of an average menu option for the whole family. Respect your taste needs. Respect your feeling of hunger - eat when you want, and not wait for your children to come from school, your husband from work and your feeling of fullness - do not finish eating after everyone, but stop when you are full. After all, we can only treat others the way we treat ourselves. If we don’t give ourselves freedom to choose, then we don’t allow others either (or we get angry when they can afford it).
What prevents a person from speaking out directly?
As a rule, this is not only learning manipulations from adults in childhood. Often a person resorts to manipulation forcedly when he is not accepted for who he is.
For example, girls often sin by manipulating men’s feelings of guilt. By this they seek attention as a type of love (a replacement for unconditional love, because they did not receive it in childhood and do not know what it’s like to receive unconditional love) through the purchase of jewelry, clothes, etc. In fact, come up and say: “hug me “, now I want to feel loved” - maybe not everyone. It’s much easier to provoke a scandal, cause a feeling of guilt and get a man to shower you with attention, gifts and swear an oath of eternal love.
And the beginning that laid the foundation for such manipulation may have been this: the daughter came up to her mother/father when she was bored and felt the need for a hug, and the parent at that time was busy and inattentive - he kicked the baby. This was imprinted in the mind. The conclusion that the baby makes: “I can’t get what I want. I can’t get love directly,” and the need for love is basic! and begins to invent roundabout ways. It's sad, isn't it?
Or is it easier for an employer to manipulate his employees through a feeling of fear, instead of saying: guys, let’s work hard and then have a good rest with the well-earned money. Because not all employers want to share, and not all employees want to work to their full potential.
That is why manipulation is beneficial as a type of interaction between people, and that is why it flourishes in our society.
When is manipulation impossible?
Manipulation always occurs between two or more people. That is, there is always a manipulator and a manipulated person - an object of manipulation. The person being manipulated must have “hooks” to which the manipulator grabs him. If a person is free from any hooks, then it is impossible to hook him.
So, for example, when during a divorce the husband threatens: “I will take your children away from you!” - he manipulates maternal feelings. What kind of mother would voluntarily agree to part with her children? Therefore, out of fear, women agree to unfavorable conditions for themselves.
What could be the solution in this case? For example, if a woman says, “Okay, honey. If you think that the children will be better off with you and you will have enough time to give them fatherly attention and replace maternal attention, I agree. Let the children live with you." Then the husband will have nothing to manipulate. Of course, in order to say so, a woman needs to be prepared that everything can happen exactly like this. Internally accept this development of events. And the husband, sensing this readiness, will most likely abandon his manipulation and look for another option. Because in fact, in this case, the husband does not need children. He needs to take revenge on his wife, who insulted him in the form of the fact that she abandoned him (the male Ego suffers) or chose another man over him. And it's just a shame.
The ideal option would be to have what I call a “humane” conversation without manipulation. And here the “I-statement” technique and resolving phrases from Systemic family constellations are also involved. For example: “Dear husband, our family life has developed so that I want to leave. I think that with my decision I am hurting you. I am very sorry... I am grateful to you for all the good things that we had with you. What can we do together to part as friends and remain good parents to our children?”
Sometimes a mother manipulates her daughter’s feelings: “Oh, you’ll leave, I’ll be left here all alone.” And the daughter needs to live her own life: study, get married, have children. Often such women live with their mothers as nurses and confidantes until they are 35-40 years old. Their physical and mental health suffers from female unfulfillment. They often look as if they are stuck in their 15-year-old self - small, thin, with a thin girlish voice.
So what? Is a manipulator a malicious hypocrite looking for profit? From some point of view, yes. I think that the manipulator and the manipulated are unhappy people who do not know how to talk openly about their feelings and desires. Who have grown up, but continue to carry childhood wounds in their souls. Fortunately, these wounds can be healed. You can turn from an ugly duckling manipulating feelings and relationships into a beautiful free swan enjoying life and communication as equals with equals.
Recommendations for avoiding manipulation.
- Learn to notice that there is manipulation.
- Learn to track on what feeling you are being manipulated - on what hook they are clinging to you.
- Learn to remove these hooks. (Psychotherapy).
- Observe how people manipulate each other. (Replenish the treasury of possible ways in order to track in time when it is used on you).
- Notice how you manipulate people?
- Learn to build personal boundaries and protect them (individual and group psychotherapy).
- Learn to express your feelings and thoughts directly
Why is there so much “learning” here? Because we have been learning to manipulate and succumb to manipulation for so long—our entire life. Maybe now is the time to learn another skill? published
Author: Tatyana Bazyleva
PS And remember, just by changing your consumption, we are changing the world together! © econet
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