Don't be categorical
Categorical nature, maximalism, perfectionism - all these qualities enhance manifestations of anger. People who are too demanding of themselves and others are much more likely to experience disappointment and collapse of hope. Calm and phlegmatic people react to this with frustration, while more impulsive people may experience outbursts of aggression.
Start looking at things more simply and stop judging. Our world is not ideal, but that does not stop it from being beautiful. Forgive people for their weaknesses and imperfections, take off the mantle of judge and just enjoy life.
Get rid of the excellent student complex. You should not strive for excellent results in everything. Sometimes it is enough to do something with a C grade in order to leave time and energy for more important things.
Do auto training
At the beginning of the 20th century, the German scientist Johann Heinrich Schultz laid the foundations of autogenic training. Since then, this method has been actively used in many areas that require control over one’s own condition. It combines self-hypnosis and immersion in a trance. With its help, you can also curb your destructive emotions.
The simplicity of this technique makes it accessible to absolutely everyone. It is performed in several stages.
- Find a comfortable position and relax. Make sure that you are not distracted by extraneous stimuli.
- Mentally say the phrase: “My right hand is getting heavy” several times. Try to create a feeling of heaviness in your hand. You can imagine that you are holding an object, such as a dumbbell.
- When the sensation becomes clear, do the same with your left hand. Then with the legs, stomach, back, head.
- Once you feel heaviness throughout your body, you can move on to the next stage. Now you need to create a feeling of warmth. Mentally say: “My hand is warm.” You can imagine immersing your hand in hot water or exposing it to the scorching sun. And then proceed according to the scheme already familiar to you.
- Now you need to learn to control your breathing. Repeat to yourself 5-6 times: “My breathing is calm and even.” The exercise is considered mastered when you can voluntarily slow down your breathing rhythm.
To effectively manage your emotions, these exercises will be enough for you. Do them every day, and soon you will be able to achieve a high level of self-regulation. You will become subject to not only your emotions, but also some physiological reactions of the body.
Long and stable
A psychologist can tell you where to start and how to deal with aggression in older people, children and adults. The specialist will explain that everything should begin with getting rid of the already accumulated negativity. There is no need to fear that this will lead to a big explosion - you need to create safe conditions in advance. It is best to clear yourself of negative emotions with the help of a specialist. By normalizing the internal state, you can thereby eliminate aggression towards others.
If a person does not try to suppress emotions, but accepts them and hears himself, negative manifestations become helpers. Gradually, accepting yourself and your characteristics, taking into account the identification of external disturbing factors, will become a tool for minimizing the occurrence of anger. Needs will be met and anger will cease to be a communication tool.
Add activity to your life
If anger is your frequent companion, you may be lacking in physical activity. Increased levels of adrenaline in the blood can cause strong emotional reactions. It is successfully neutralized by active muscle work.
The most universal advice is to go in for sports. There is nothing better neither for physical health nor for moral. Sports train endurance, self-control, willpower, and endurance.
To relieve tension during a temper tantrum, boxing and sprinting are good options. You can take out all your anger on a punching bag, and you will immediately feel better.
However, to learn how to channel the energy of anger into a peaceful direction, these sports are not suitable. Psychologists advise choosing non-aggressive activities with a small number of participants. Another useful component is breathing techniques. During attacks of anger, the breathing rhythm is disrupted. By learning to control your breathing process, you will significantly reduce the severity of your emotional reaction.
Oriental martial arts are perfect: aikido, judo, karate. In addition to sports, they also have a spiritual component. The key concept of their philosophy is acceptance. The point of the fight is not to attack the enemy, but to parry the blow beautifully and accurately.
Speak out
Share your problem with a loved one. Outline the situation, ask for advice. Sometimes an outside perspective allows you to look at a problem from a different angle.
Those who are closest to us suffer most from our anger and aggression: husband or wife, child, friends, colleagues. Naturally, this does not have the best effect on relationships. One day you may wake up in the morning and realize that everyone has turned their backs on you.
To prevent this from happening to you, ask for forgiveness for outbursts of anger in advance. Tell them that during moments of strong emotions you cannot control yourself and can do something stupid. At the same time, you work on yourself and learn to control yourself. After such a confession, your loved ones will begin to be more lenient towards your emotional outbursts. Don't abuse this attitude, but really work on yourself.
Express your own opinion
There is an option that many people use when dealing with an aggressive person. They simply don't do things that might provoke anger. For example, a wife is constantly silent and does what her husband says, since any of her alternatives may be perceived inadequately. But this is not a way out. If you constantly suppress all emotions in yourself, cannot defend your own opinion and constantly experience a feeling of fear, this will end in depression. You can’t live in eternal restrictions; you shouldn’t constantly please someone, be it a partner or a boss. If such a situation arises, it is urgent to get rid of such relationships, since they are toxic.
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Get rid of expectations
The most common cause of anger is unjustified expectations towards others and oneself. A person can make grandiose plans in his own head, without taking into account the will of others. When it turns out that other people are in no hurry to implement these plans, a person may lose his temper.
You need to get rid of expectations. You can't even imagine how interesting and exciting life can become if you add a healthy dose of not giving a damn. Allow people to be who they want to be and act according to their will.
Don't try to push, pull, or manipulate. Treat them and life in general with respect. Rely only on yourself, don’t expect anyone to make your wishes come true. Then you will have practically no reasons for anger, and communication will begin to bring pure pleasure.
Don't engage in discussion
If you want to defend your right to vote while interacting with an aggressive person, this situation can be dangerous for you. Therefore, in this case, there is no need to argue, prove something, try to appeal to conscience, etc. This is absolutely useless, since a person needs to calm down (at a minimum). You would be wise if you did not act as described above, but simply agreed with everything that was said to you. And when time passes, you will convey your position in a calmer atmosphere. If your partner is so aggressive that he will never be able to adequately talk to you about an exciting topic, without a doubt, end the relationship. You should not communicate with a person who does not understand you.
Analyze situations that cause anger
Observe yourself and try to identify the triggers that trigger aggressive impulses. This could be a specific word, phrase, some action in your direction. Analyze why such an inadequate reaction occurs. Most likely, the psyche turns on defense, trying to protect itself from something.
Let me give you an example. My friend couldn’t get pregnant for a long time, although she and her husband really wanted a child. She was very worried and suffered about this. When someone touched on the topic of motherhood in her presence, she could say something angrily, start swearing, and raise her voice. Then, naturally, she apologized and repented.
Knowing your pain points, you can prevent anger and save your own and other people's nerve cells. Ask your loved ones not to talk about certain topics in your presence. Avoid traumatic situations. And of course, take care of your mental health. If something “hurts” you, you need to work hard on it. If you can’t cope on your own, seek help from a psychologist. It will help you extract all your cockroaches from your subconscious and deal with them.
Let go
You should not replay the conflict in your thoughts and focus on your behavior, the reaction of your interlocutor, or his insults. Agree that you behaved with politeness, restraint and dignity. Moreover, the impudent person does not deserve so much attention and energy.
Therefore, we wish you to deal only with bright and sincere individuals. And remember that you should not lose faith in all people. This is life and situations are different. It is possible that an absolutely well-mannered person will succumb to emotions after a long hard day, stress, problems at work, in the family. In this case, communication is the key to solving the problem.
Very often, unjustified aggression towards you can be stopped if you say that you are listening carefully to your interlocutor and are ready to understand the situation, because you did not have in mind to offend anyone.
Control your breathing
During an outburst of anger, blood pressure rises and breathing quickens. No wonder they say that a person “chokes with anger.” By learning to control the process of inhalation and exhalation, you can quickly cope with your emotions.
I suggest you master the following breathing technique.
- Find a comfortable position and relax.
- Breathe freely for a few seconds and then inhale in four counts.
- Hold your breath for two counts.
- Exhale, like inhale, let it also last for four counts.
- Again, hold your breath for two counts.
When this breathing becomes comfortable for you, begin to gradually increase the time of inhalation and exhalation. Next time during an attack of anger, try to breathe just as smoothly and deeply. This will allow you to find peace within yourself and curb aggression.
Display of aggression
There are many myths regarding the psychology of aggression. One of them says that mentally ill people are more aggressive than healthy people. This is wrong. According to statistics, mentally ill people commit as many crimes and show aggression as healthy people. Another thing is that aggression caused by mental illness is more unpredictable and incomprehensible to others, and therefore seems more terrible. I, a doctor at the Preobrazhenie clinic, also have to hear the following “argument” in favor of mental health, that a person is not aggressive. This, alas, is not an argument, since the absence of aggressive tendencies does not mean the absence of disease.
Avoid pointless arguments
In a dispute, it is much more often not truth that is born, but aggression. Especially when the subject of the dispute is not objective things, but views, judgments, conclusions and conclusions. In the first case, you can quickly resolve the dispute by resorting to Google. But one can argue endlessly about subjective points of view.
If you are an emotional, hot-tempered, impulsive person, arguments are strictly contraindicated for you. Learn to express your point of view without entering into open confrontation. The following phrases will help you.
- “I heard you. But, unfortunately, I cannot agree.”
- “I take a different point of view.”
- “I have no desire to argue with you. Let everyone remain to their own opinion.”
- “I respect your point of view, but it contradicts my principles.”
And you should refrain from the following phrases.
- "You're wrong".
- “Your arguments are baseless.”
- “You don’t understand anything about this.”
- “Don’t argue with me, I know better.”
Solve problems
Showing aggression is far from safe. Some people mistakenly believe that limited communication will solve the problem. For example, the wife has more contact with the children, devotes time to work, and goes to relatives. But at the same time, her husband is at home and is looking forward to being able to express everything that is “boiling.” That is why you should not let everything take its course; you need to solve the problem as soon as it is discovered. Have you begun to notice that a loved one has begun to behave inappropriately? Try to talk to him calmly and ask him to conduct the dialogue in lower tones. If talking doesn't help, choose to break up.
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Avoid communicating with provocateurs and trolls
There is a category of people who like to deliberately piss others off. They, like parasites, feed on other people's negative energy. The stronger the other party's emotional response, the more pleasure such people receive.
If you are a very impressionable and emotional person, you better avoid these comrades a mile away. How to recognize them? Their favorite habitat is the Internet. In the vastness of the World Wide Web, they can frolic to their heart's content while remaining unpunished.
There are many trolls in various social communities, especially political ones. They choose a victim and begin to provoke him into conflict. They use insults, ridicule of someone else's point of view, and distortion of facts. Moreover, the provocateurs themselves are indifferent to such actions against them. It is extremely difficult to promote them emotionally. By the way, this is something worth learning from them.
A provocateur can, for example, enter a community of fans of a famous artist and start throwing mud at him. Or start promoting childfree ideas in a public for young mothers.
If you already know a little how to manage your emotions, try using provocateurs for training. When entering into a duel with them, try to remain calm and not react to their antics. Focus on getting the provocateur emotional and thus winning. Just don’t get too carried away, otherwise you risk joining their ranks.
Lay low
If you know someone who behaves inappropriately, try to stay away from them. You must understand that any action you take can cause a storm of negativity, which will subsequently be difficult to stop. Therefore, communicate with the aggressor as a last resort and only in the presence of other people. There is no need to show offense or try to prove that you are right, since this will not do any good. If you don't know the person, but you see that he is behaving strangely, try not to draw attention to yourself. Pretend that you are busy with your own business and don’t care what’s going on around you. Don't make eye contact with him, don't show emotion, focus on yourself and be aware of the danger.
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Sublimate your anger
Transforming the energy of anger into creativity is aerobatics. Great artists, musicians, and sculptors master this art perfectly. I'll tell you a funny story about the artist Michelangelo Buonarroti.
While he was working on the Sistine Chapel, he was constantly pestered by an official named Biagio da Cesena. Being a stupid person and far from art, he criticized the work of the great master and found fault with every little thing. Buonarroti had a very hot temper. Once he even threw a bucket of paint at the Pope himself, who came to hurry the artist.
However, this time Michelangelo did not immediately take out his anger. He came up with a more sophisticated way. He depicted the official on a fragment of the Sistine Chapel in the image of the hero of Greek myths, King Minos, with donkey ears. But this was not enough for the master. The apogee of revenge was the snake entwining the king’s body and biting him on the genitals.
In this unusual way, the artist achieved two goals at once: curbing his anger and punishing the offender. We are unlikely to be able to repeat him, but the general principle is worth understanding. The next time you feel angry, try channeling the resulting energy into something useful.
The easiest way is to use it to destroy what you no longer need. For example, prepare the apartment for renovation: tear off the wallpaper, remove tiles, etc. Or get rid of the trash that you haven’t decided to throw away for a long time.
How to express aggression - 3 ways to release emotions
So, any emotion always finds a way out. If you don't let it come out, it will find a way out in your body. And emotions such as anger, fear, sadness, if we restrain them, destroy the body from the inside. Over time, this may manifest itself as illness or depression. If you don't want the disease consequences of suppressing aggression, read on to learn how to safely vent your emotions. So, you restrained your anger, and then, if possible, verbally told your interlocutor what you didn’t like. The last step remains - give your aggression an outlet in action, find a suitable way for you to express anger through the reaction of your body.
The best and guaranteed way is sports. Running, fitness, wrestling, dancing, jumping. An activity that brings you pleasure and at the same time works with the body - for example, drawing, modeling, knitting - can also help. You can hit pillows or a punching bag. Scream loudly to your heart's content. In a closed car, in the forest, in a field, near a pond. If you want to cry, cry.
One of my friends periodically goes to the river, where there is no one, beats his chest with his fists and screams loudly. This method is also perfect. In general, find your favorite method of releasing emotions and use it regularly. You will feel relieved and your body will thank you. Safety, yours and that of other people, is the main limit to the expression of aggression. Everything that does not go beyond this border can and should be done. Don't allow yourself to suppress your emotions. Give them a safe exit.
read books
I offer a selection of books that will help you better understand the nature of anger and reduce its manifestations:
- “Anger Management” by Dan Dubravin;
- “How to get rid of resentment and anger” Pavel Fedorenko, Ilya Kachay;
- “Taming Anger” by Gary Chapman;
- “Practice joy. How to manage anger” Thich Nhat Hanh;
- “Tame your dragon. Anger in the family” Ekaterina Burmistrova;
- “Healing from Anger” Dalai Lama XIV;
- “Fear, anger, sadness and joy” Yulia Panfilova.
Useful materials for those who want to cope with anger easily
As I promised at the beginning of the article, I recommend you several very high-quality courses that will help you manage your anger and not give in to emotions at all. They will improve your relationships with others at work and help you interact more easily with friends and family.
Emotional intellect
Description. Start with this course. It will help you remain calm and confident even in very difficult situations. You will understand the diversity of your emotions, identify their true nature and learn to control them. It's not as difficult as it seems.
You will also easily feel which people sympathize with you, and which, for certain reasons, behave warily with you and suppress aggression.
The course teachers especially recommend their program to all those who have to work with a large number of people, as well as to parents who are raising teenage children. Getting angry, yelling at the child - believe me, this is not a solution, you will only aggravate the problem.
Author: Oleg Kalinichev.
Cost: 1,490 rub.
Find out more and sign up for training
Effective Communication
Description. After listening to 33 lectures and completing 15 extensive practical exercises, you will easily communicate with people, not allow yourself to “break down”, and not incite conflicts around you.
The course teaches you to control your emotions very well, even when you have to communicate with difficult people. You will also learn to understand well the emotions of the person with whom you are communicating at the moment, and you will be able to react as circumstances require.
The total duration of training is only one month. The cost of the course is small compared to the price of attending offline seminars or signing up for personal consultations.
Author: Oleg Kalinichev.
Cost: 1,490 rub.
Find out more and sign up for training
Brain Detoxification
Description. Have you tried to figure out what exactly makes you angry and makes you very irritated? Maybe the reason is not in those around you, but in yourself, in your peculiarities of perception of reality?
This course is short, with only ten lessons. It helps to get out of your head everything that interferes with a normal life, irritates or causes other unpleasant emotions: melancholy, fear.
You will be able to easily cope with stress in all its forms. The theory that is taught as part of the course is reinforced with practical exercises and simulators, so you will have a lot of practice.
Author: Victor Shiryaev.
Cost: 1,490 rub.
Find out more and sign up for training
Brain fitness
Description. The course page says “an innovative format for brain training” - these are not empty words. After purchasing this material, you will receive from Vikium a unique device, the likes of which I have not yet seen on the Internet. It's called the “neural interface”.
The neural interface will record the electromagnetic waves that come from your brain during different emotional states. The data is then transferred to the Wikium platform and analyzed there to create a list of personalized recommendations.
Try recording yourself when you are angry about something and cannot control your anger, and when you are relaxed. Then move on to other observations - how your brain works when you are busy with something, when you feel energized or tired, and so on. You will learn a lot of new things about yourself.
If you want, you can buy the neural interface separately, but it is expensive: 11,990 rubles. I still recommend buying with a training program, so the experiments will be more effective.
Authors: developers of the Vikium project.
Cost: 12,990 rub.
Find out more and sign up for training
Do you know other courses on controlling emotions? I would be grateful if you say a few words about them in the comments.
How to control anger and aggression - 6 ways
Sometimes in life we are faced with a situation in which, for one reason or another, we do not allow ourselves to be aggressive. Or we allow it, but then regret it. For example, we are angry with our boss or client, but we cannot take this anger out on him, because then we risk losing our job. A mother can be angry with a child, and a husband can be angry with his wife. If we value this relationship, it is better not to show verbal or, especially, physical aggression, and try to restrain ourselves. So how to deal with aggression? I present to you six ways to control anger and aggression:
Method #1: Timeout
Take a time out. If you experience aggression as a result of a conversation with a client on the phone, just go out after the conversation, get some air, think about something pleasant, pour yourself some tea, and your brain will immediately calm down and let go of the situation. If the aggression arose due to, for example, a domestic conflict, you can do the same. Warn your interlocutor that you need to leave, and when you return, you can calmly and measuredly end the conversation.
Method #2: Swap places
Put yourself in your opponent's shoes. At that very moment when anger seems to fill your entire body and wants to burst out, mentally switch places with it. Mentally put yourself in his place and answer the questions: Why did he say that now? How does he feel at this moment? Maybe he is also angry or offended? Or did you simply not understand me? Or maybe I need to convey my thoughts more clearly?
This method will help you calm down. In addition, you will probably be able to look at the situation from a different point of view and be able to resolve the resulting conflict. If you are worried about conflicts with your husband or wife, read this article. It talks in detail about how to quarrel correctly in order to improve relationships.
Method #3: Breathe
Breathe with your belly. When you feel angry and feel like your head is about to explode, pay attention to your breathing. Have you noticed how you breathe? Take a few slow breaths in and out. Breathe with your belly. This will calm your body and oxygenate your brain. The head will immediately thank you with its calmness.
To prevent anger management, I recommend you a fantastic technique called “conscious breathing.” It lasts just 10 minutes a day and gives peace of mind for life. Sit, or preferably lie on your back, in a quiet environment where no one will disturb you. Place your right hand on the navel area and your left hand on your chest. Breathe so that only your right arm rises. You can also place a small book on your stomach and watch it rise.
Breathe deeply and slowly, with your stomach, watch your breathing. Try to slow down your thoughts. Just think about your breathing. “Now I inhale, my lungs fill with air, oxygen flows into all organs...” This technique is also called diaphragmatic or abdominal breathing. In addition to aggression, it helps to cope with panic attacks, fears and anxieties. Read more about this in this article. If you perform this technique daily, aggression will gradually disappear from your life once and for all.
Method #4: Visualization
At the moment when an aggressive state comes over you, imagine yourself in a safe place. Remember a place where you felt good and carefree. It could be the shore of the sea or river, or a pleasant memory of how you sat with friends in a cafe. Imagine being there now.
If you are not strongly influenced by a place, then you can simply imagine yourself next to a person with whom you always feel good and calm. Imagine everything in detail: how you are dressed, what you are doing, what the environment is like. Returning to reality, your brain will let go of aggression.
Method #5: Logic
Turn on logic. Aggression, like all emotions, originates in the right hemisphere of the brain. The left hemisphere is responsible for logic. If you turn on logic and try to analyze the current situation, the left hemisphere will activate, and the work of the right will slow down. The brain will release the emotion of anger and you will calm down. In addition, analyzing the situation will probably allow you to resolve it.
Method #6: The Perfect Quarrel
Fight the right way. Argument is an excellent way to resolve conflict. Ideally, a quarrel is always the starting point for the development of a relationship. A proper fight looks like this. First, it excludes the word “you.” To have constructive conflict, you need to be completely focused on yourself. In psychology, this is called the “you-message” (or statement) and the “I-message”. As a rule, people communicate exclusively using “you-statements”: “you did everything wrong!,” “it’s all because of you!”, “it’s all your fault!” This approach is fundamentally wrong; this quarrel will have no meaning other than the interlocutors expressing insults and reproaches towards each other.
Start quarreling using an “I statement”: “I didn’t like that you...”, “I was upset because...”, “It hurts me to see...”, “I’m not happy that...”. These words themselves are filled with emotions emanating from you. The interlocutor already sees that he did something unpleasant to you. If he has even a little empathy, then he will definitely hear you.
The main essence of a proper quarrel is that instead of shifting responsibility to another, you concentrate on yourself. On your feelings, emotions, experiences associated with this conflict. Your interlocutor will immediately feel it. Suddenly you stop reproaching him and talk about your feelings. This will shift the angle of the conflict in the opposite direction and quickly bear fruit. The scheme of a proper quarrel is as follows:
- You express the reason for your indignation using an “I statement”
- Add your emotions
- Talk through possible alternative behavior options for the interlocutor
For example: “I didn’t like that you came so late. This upsets me. I would like you to think about me and come on time next time.” First of all, you calmly convey to your interlocutor the reason for your indignation, express constructively what you are not happy with in this matter. Then you make sure that you have conveyed your message clearly. If you are sure that the interlocutor heard and understood everything correctly, then tell him also calmly and measuredly how you would like to eliminate your indignation. What needs to be done to make it the way you want, and why. If you do all this based on feelings and emotions (say what is unpleasant for you and what would make you happy), then the interlocutor will not only be imbued with your feelings, but will probably do everything to resolve the situation in a way favorable to you.
During the time that I have been working as a psychologist, I have collected in one place tasks and exercises that lead to positive changes in a person’s self-esteem. The result is a book - a practical course on the path to yourself. I called this book “How to Love Yourself.”
In it, I collected the most effective techniques with which I have helped many clients believe in themselves. This book will not only help you learn to assert your boundaries without being aggressive, but will also make your life happier overall.
You can read the full description and reviews of the book, and also purchase it using the link.
