Age-related demonstrative behavior - children, teenagers, adults

A child’s communication and attitude towards other people changes significantly during preschool age. Thus, in the middle of preschool age (4-5 years), the need for recognition and respect appears and begins to dominate. If until the age of 3-4 years children received direct pleasure from playing with toys, now it is important for them to know how their actions are perceived and evaluated by the people around them. The child strives to attract the attention of others, sensitively catches signs of attitude toward himself in their glances and facial expressions, and demonstrates resentment in response to inattention or reproaches from partners. In children's communication at this age, a competitive, competitive element appears. The peer becomes the subject of constant comparison with oneself. Through such a comparison of his specific qualities, skills and abilities, the child can evaluate and affirm himself as the owner of certain advantages.

This stage is natural and necessary for the development of interpersonal relationships. By contrasting himself with a peer and thus highlighting his “I,” the child can return to his peer and perceive him as an integral, valuable person. Usually by the age of 6-7 years, the ability to appreciate the qualities and skills of other people, the desire to be friends, help, and do something together appears.

However, demonstrativeness is often fixed and develops into a personal characteristic, a stable character trait. Such children are most concerned with showing their superiority in everything. The main motive for the child’s actions is the positive assessment of others, with the help of which he satisfies his own exaggerated need for self-affirmation.

Peculiarities of behavior of demonstrative children

Unlike touchy and shy children, demonstrative children are distinguished by their pronounced activity and desire to attract attention by any possible means . Such children, as a rule, are quite active in communication. However, in most cases, when turning to a partner, they do not feel real interest in him or desire to do something together. Mostly they want to show themselves and arouse the admiration of others: they talk about themselves, show off their toys, demonstrate any means of attracting the attention of adults or peers. “Look how I can draw, jump, how quickly I eat, what kind of slippers I have, etc.” Self-affirmation and the admiring attention of others are their main goal and value. At the same time, both positive forms of behavior (“look how good I am”) and actions expressing aggression can be a way of attracting attention. Demonstrative children are very focused on the assessment of others , especially adults. As a rule, such children strive at all costs to obtain a positive assessment of themselves and their actions. However, in cases where relationships with adults or peers do not work out, demonstrative children use negative behavioral tactics: they show aggression, complain, provoke scandals and quarrels.

Demonstrativeness can manifest itself not only in the desire to show one’s own merits and achievements. Possessing attractive objects is also a traditional form of self-display. For many children, the strong desire to own some kind of car or doll is not connected with their own gaming needs, but with the desire to demonstrate their property (and therefore an advantage) over others. How often, having received a new toy as a gift, children take it to kindergarten not to play with it, but to show it off and show it off.

Self-affirmation is often achieved by reducing the value or devaluing of another . For example, after seeing a drawing by a peer, a demonstrative child may say: “I draw better, this is not a beautiful drawing at all.” In general, comparative forms prevail in the speech of demonstrative children: better/worse; prettier/uglier, etc. They constantly compare themselves with others, and it is clear that this comparison is always “in their favor.”

Demonstrative children show increased interest in the actions of their peers: they watch what others are doing, make comments and comments, while their interest is clearly evaluative. So, Nastya D. (5 years 9 months), as soon as the adult gave the task to her partner, she began to be loudly indignant: “Why did they tell Nikita to do it, he doesn’t know how to do anything, and in his quiet time he behaved badly. The teacher scolded him. I’ll do better, can I, well, please.” At the same time, she continuously watched Nikita’s actions and tried to insert elements into his mosaic herself.

In addition, the behavior of demonstrative children is characterized by high normativity: children often explain the motivation for the action by saying that it is necessary. Using socially approved forms of behavior, children constantly expect and demand positive evaluation of their actions. However, their correct moral actions are unstable and dependent on the situation. Demonstrative children can solve the same problem in different ways, depending on the presence or absence of an adult. For example, in one of our studies, a situation was organized in which the child could share or not share candy with his partner. In the first situation, an adult was present in the room, although he did not take part in what was happening. Demonstrative children shared with a peer, commenting on their action out loud, turning to an adult. For example, Lyusya D. (5 years 7 months), looking at an adult, says: “I’ll give Katya candy, because she didn’t get any. Good children always share with those who were not given. Really, did I do a good job?...” In the second situation, the adult left the room, but all the children’s words were recorded on a voice recorder. This time, the same children did not even think about sharing with their partner, even despite their requests. The same Lucy D., in response to a peer’s request to give him half a candy, this time said: “I won’t give it to you. Why should I? This was given to me. Ask, maybe they will give it to you.” Thus, there is a pronounced formalism . For them, it is much more important to comply with the external picture of approved behavior than to actually help a peer. Thus, even when performing a kind deed, a child does it not for the sake of another, but in order to demonstrate his own kindness to others (a certain form of “ostentatious altruism”).

Demonstrative children react very emotionally and even painfully to the reproach and praise of other children. When an adult gives a negative assessment to the actions of a peer, a demonstrative child enthusiastically and with great pleasure supports her. In response to the praise of a peer, he, on the contrary, begins to object. Thus, Anya R. (6 years 1 month), after listening to praise addressed to a peer, said: “Well, maybe it’s better than last time, but it’s still ugly and uneven.”

Demonstrativeness is very clearly revealed in the nature and degree of help to other children. So, in one of the classes, we asked two children to assemble their own pattern from a mosaic - the sun in the sky, while the parts of different colors were not distributed equally: one child had predominantly yellow parts, the other - blue. Accordingly, in order to complete the task, the child is forced to turn to a peer for help and ask for the necessary details. Observations showed that the majority of demonstrative children in this situation provided formal provocative assistance, i.e. in response to a peer’s request, they gave only one element, which was clearly not enough. Thus, Mitya S. (5 years 11 months) noticed that his partner did not have the necessary yellow elements, but he sat silently and did not ask him for anything. Then Mitya turned to his partner with the words: “Sasha, if you don’t ask for permission, I won’t give it to you.” Sasha continued to sit silently, Mitya repeated: “Ask, and I’ll give.” Sasha asked very quietly: “Give me a few yellow ones, otherwise I didn’t have enough.” Mitya smiled and put one element in Sasha’s box with the words: “Here, you asked, I gave it.” To Sasha’s further requests, Mitya answered irritably: “I already gave it to you.” Don’t you see, I do the same, wait.” Igor B. (5 years 8 months), in response to a peer’s request, began to give him elements of any colors except the one that was actually needed, while he pretended that he did not hear his peer’s objections at all. Other children began to share as soon as they finished their mosaic, but they did it very reluctantly. This type of assistance, without harming oneself, can be called pragmatic. Thus, Roma S. (5 years 2 months) did not react in any way to his partner’s requests for the necessary elements, pretended that he did not hear, and sang a song loudly. As soon as he completed his picture, he looked at his partner with interest: “Oh, you don’t have any yellow ones. You’ll have to add a little extra... Don’t be afraid, we’ll give it to you.” Having put several yellow elements in the box for his partner, Roma turned to the adult: “Look how much I gave him.”

From these examples it is clear that the basis of these children’s attitude towards others is the desire to surpass others, to show their advantages. This is manifested in the constant comparison of one’s achievements with the successes of others, in demonstrating one’s superiority in everything.

For demonstrative children, another child acts mainly as a bearer of a certain attitude; he is interesting only in connection with the attitude he shows towards him - whether he appreciates or does not appreciate, helps or not. For example, Nastya talks about her friend Katya like this: “Katya helps me, if I get into trouble, she is friends with me, she can help me with drawing. Kind because she plays with me. Of course, I am also kind. I’m just like Katya, even I’m even better.”

Children's demonstrative behavior

The characteristics of a child’s behavior have always served as a special indicator of his development. Any disturbance in the child’s psyche, various kinds of self-control or self-esteem disorders are always reflected in his behavior. The fact that the development of a child is influenced by the characteristics of his upbringing is well known.

Children's demonstrative behavior is most often characteristic of capricious children who always strive to do everything the way they want. However, this form of behavior can be provoked not only by an atmosphere of indulgence in the family.

For example, demonstrative behavior may be a response to lack of attention to a child, and may be the only possible method for a child to achieve at least some attention to his person, which is simply necessary for him.

Also, the reason may be the baby’s desire for self-affirmation, fear of losing love and affection, for example, when another child appears in the family. This behavior is often found in families where an authoritative type of upbringing predominates, when adults pay enough attention to the child only if he behaves badly.

Children who exhibit demonstrative behavior often also criticize others. They become characterized by pickiness and importunity; they remember for a long time all the mistakes of the people around them and try to remind them of them as often as possible.

They also try not to give other children the opportunity to express themselves in something, interrupt them, interfere in their games or activities, try to start distributing advice and guidance, and strive to take the position of “in charge.”

A characteristic feature is that such a child’s behavior with other children changes dramatically depending on the presence of an important adult. In other words, the child thinks only about the external manifestation of himself, receiving approval from the outside, but not about that. How to provide real help to your peers.

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What underlies children's demonstrativeness?

So, ideas about the own qualities and abilities of demonstrative children need constant reinforcement through comparison with someone else, the bearer of which is a peer. These children have a pronounced need for other people; they constantly need company and communication. But other people are needed to show oneself, to have something to compare with. When comparing oneself with another, a pronounced competitiveness and a strong orientation towards the assessment of others .

One of the ways of self-affirmation is compliance with moral standards, which is aimed at receiving encouragement from adults or at feeling one’s own moral superiority. Therefore, such children sometimes do good, noble deeds. However, adherence to moral norms is clearly formal and demonstrative; it is not aimed at other children, but at receiving a positive assessment, at establishing oneself in the eyes of others.

One’s own “kindness” or “fairness” is emphasized as personal advantages and is contrasted with other, “bad” children.

Unlike other problematic forms of interpersonal relationships (such as aggressiveness or shyness), demonstrativeness is not considered a negative and, in fact, problematic quality. Moreover, at present, some features inherent in demonstrative children, on the contrary, are socially approved: perseverance, healthy egoism, the ability to achieve one’s own, the desire for recognition, ambition are considered the key to a successful life position. However, this does not take into account that opposing oneself to another, the painful need for recognition and self-affirmation are the shaky foundation of psychological comfort and certain actions. The insatiable need for praise and superiority over others becomes the main motive for all actions and deeds. The “I” of such a child is at the center of his world and consciousness; he constantly examines and evaluates himself through the eyes of others, perceives himself exclusively through the attitude of others, and this attitude must be enthusiastic. He is confident that others should think only of him, admire his virtues and express their admiration. Such a child is constantly afraid of being worse than others. This fear gives rise to anxiety, self-doubt, and constant tension, which is compensated by boasting and emphasizing one’s advantages. The main difficulty is not even that such a child incorrectly evaluates himself, but that this assessment becomes the main content of his life , covering up the entire world around him and other people. He literally sees nothing except what others think and say about him. Such tension can cause not only envy and jealousy when meeting a more successful peer, but also various neurotic deviations. That is why it is important to promptly identify manifestations of demonstrativeness as a personal quality and help the child overcome such a competitive position.

Teenage demonstrative behavior

In the case of adolescence, which is the most complex and problematic period of human development, the term “demonstrative” should be considered as “emphasized”, “visual”.

Adolescent demonstrative behavior is expressed in stable and clearly manifested egocentrism. Moreover, it is not particularly important for the teenager himself. What kind of attention will he attract to himself by his behavior or actions. In some cases, negative attention and judgment from others may even be a priority.

The reasons for this model of behavior in adolescents are often mistakes in the educational process in childhood, a pronounced need for love and respect due to their obvious lack, and a desire to stand out from the “general mass.”

In adolescence, the subject often realizes his desires through various methods that may overlap or generally remain unchanged. The main goal always remains the same. For example, if a teenager strives to gain respect and love, and notices that his certain behavior pattern leads to these results both among his peers, at school and at home, then he will not change his methods.

This is quite clearly reflected in the teenager’s academic performance. Good academic performance is typical for those subjects in which the teacher takes an individual approach, and the teenager himself feels some increased attention to himself.

Another method for them is to perform a set of actions aimed at arousing sympathy and emotion in others. Most often this manifests itself in the simulation of illness, attacks of hysteria or loss of consciousness. The teenager tends to tell different stories about his sufferings and misfortunes, which are constantly changing, and other people are always to blame for what happened.

It is also quite common for teenagers to use negative attention towards themselves. To achieve such a reaction, the subject flaunts in every possible way, clowns around, shows pronounced rudeness and rudeness, and tries to present himself as boldly as possible. The teenager seems to adopt an oppositional attitude against society. Such cases are often characterized by running away from home and a tendency to wander.

The manifestation of age-related demonstrative behavior among adolescents, among other things, is quite dangerous and can have fatal consequences. This is due to the fact that when trying to attract the attention of others, a teenager can take quite risky actions, putting his health and life in danger, while forgetting about caution and responsibility.

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Is it possible to overcome the competitive position of a preschooler

Recently, the formation of positive self-esteem, encouragement and recognition of the child’s merits have become almost the main methods of social and moral education. This method is based on the belief that positive self-esteem provides emotional comfort to the child and promotes the development of self-confidence. Such upbringing really reinforces and strengthens positive self-esteem, the confidence that “I am better than everyone else.” As a result, the child begins to perceive and experience only himself and his attitude towards himself. And this, as shown above, is the main problem of demonstrative children. Such focus on oneself and one’s own merits does not allow one to see the other, turning him into a competitor and adversary. Therefore, the absence of evaluations and comparisons of children (who is better and who is worse) should be one of the first conditions for overcoming demonstrativeness.

Adults should strive to save the child from the need to assert himself and prove his superiority. A child, even without constant praise and evaluation, should feel respect for himself and the love of close adults. Only then will he feel the pricelessness of his personality and will not need constant encouragement and comparisons with others.

It is also necessary to abandon the competitive nature of games and activities. Competitions, competitive games, duels and competitions are very common and widely used in education. However, all these games direct the child’s attention to his own qualities and merits, generate an orientation towards the assessment of others and towards demonstrating his advantages.

To overcome demonstrativeness, the main thing is to show the child that the assessment and attitude of others is far from the most important thing in his life , and that other children are not at all focused on his person. They have their own interests, desires and problems, which are no worse or better, but simply different.

Of course, it is useless to explain all this in words to a preschooler. You can “move” a child away from such fixation on himself by opening him up to new interests, switching to cooperation and full-fledged communication . Traditional activities for preschoolers - drawing, modeling, design and, of course, playing - open up rich opportunities for this. A child should experience the pleasure of drawing or playing - not because he does it best and will be praised for it, but because it is interesting, especially if you do it all together. Interest in fairy tales, songs, and looking at pictures distracts the child from evaluating himself and thoughts about how others treat him. Other children should not become a source of resentment for him, but partners in a common cause. He must understand that other children do not exist to respect and praise him. They have their own interests and desires, which are not at all related to his person. To do this, it is important to create situations and organize games in which children can experience community and involvement with each other in real interaction. These are primarily role-playing games, round dance games, simple games with rules, etc.

Here are a few games that will help you better see your peers, appreciate them and experience a sense of community with them. From 2 to 6 children of senior preschool age (5-6 years old) can participate in these games.

Consultation for parents “Recommendations for parents of demonstrative children”

Moscow Department of Education

State budgetary educational institution

"School No. 2109"

(GBOU School No. 2109)

__________________________________________________________________

117148, Moscow, st. Marshala Savitsky, 6/4 Tel./fax (499) 232-11-18

website: sch2109/mskobr.ru

email mail

Consultation for parents:

«Demonstrative child»

Prepared

: educational psychologist M. A. Ushakova

2017-2018 academic year

Peculiarities of behavior of demonstrative children

Demonstrative children are distinguished by their pronounced activity and desire to attract attention by any possible means . Such children, as a rule, are quite active in communication. However, in most cases, when turning to a partner, they do not feel real interest in him or desire to do something together. Mostly they want to show themselves and arouse the admiration of others: they talk about themselves, show off their toys, demonstrate any means of attracting the attention of adults or peers. “Look how I can draw, jump, how quickly I eat, what kind of slippers I have, etc.” Self-affirmation and the admiring attention of others are their main goal and value. At the same time, both positive forms of behavior (“look how good I am”) and actions expressing aggression can be a way of attracting attention. Demonstrative children are very focused on assessing those around them , especially adults. As a rule, such children strive at all costs to obtain a positive assessment of themselves and their actions. However, in cases where relationships with adults or peers do not work out, demonstrative children use negative behavioral tactics: they show aggression, complain, provoke scandals and quarrels.

Demonstrative children show increased interest in the actions of their peers: they watch what others are doing, make comments and comments, while their interest is clearly evaluative.

Using socially approved forms of behavior, children constantly expect and demand positive evaluation of their actions. However, their correct moral actions are unstable and dependent on the situation. Demonstrative children can solve the same problem in different ways, depending on the presence or absence of an adult.

What underlies children's demonstrativeness?

One’s own “kindness” or “fairness” is emphasized as personal advantages and is contrasted with other, “bad” children.

Is it possible to overcome the competitive position of a preschooler

necessary to abandon the competitive nature of games and activities. Competitions, competitive games, duels and competitions are very common and widely used in education. However, all these games direct the child’s attention to his own qualities and merits, generate an orientation towards the assessment of others and towards demonstrating his advantages.

"Mirror"

The adult stands in front of the children and asks them to repeat his movements as accurately as possible. He demonstrates light physical exercises, and the child imitates his movements.

When the “mirror” works normally, the adult begins to do what people usually do in front of a mirror: wash, comb their hair, do exercises, dance. The mirror must simultaneously repeat all the person’s actions. You just need to try to do it very accurately, because there are no inaccurate mirrors!

"Echo"

An adult talks about Echo, who lives in the mountains or in a large empty room; you cannot see it, but you can hear it: it repeats everything, even the strangest sounds. The adult pronounces sounds, words, and phrases familiar to the child, which the child must repeat.

"Magic glasses"

An adult solemnly announces that he has magic glasses through which one can see only the good that is in a person, even what a person sometimes hides from everyone. “Now I’ll try on these glasses... Oh, how beautiful, cheerful, smart you are!” “Now try on your glasses, look around and try to see as much good as possible.” If the child finds it difficult, list the good qualities yourself and direct the child’s attention.

"Princess Nesmeyana"

An adult tells a fairy tale about Princess Nesmeyana and offers to play the same game. The child will be a princess who is sad and cries all the time. An adult approaches Nesmeyana and tries to console her and make her laugh. The princess will try her best not to laugh. Then they change roles.

When a child feels the joy of common play, of what we do together, when he shares this joy with others, his proud self will most likely stop demanding praise and admiration. A sense of community and interest in others are the foundation on which only full communication between people and normal human relationships can be built

"Mirror"

Before the start of the game there is a warm-up. The adult stands in front of the children and asks them to repeat his movements as accurately as possible. He demonstrates light physical exercises and the children imitate his movements. After this, the children are divided into pairs and each pair takes turns “performing” in front of the others. In each pair, one performs some action (for example, clapping his hands or raising his arms, or leaning to the side), and the other tries to reproduce his movement as accurately as possible, as in a mirror. Each couple decides for itself who will show and who will reproduce the movements. If a mirror distorts or is late, it is damaged (or crooked). A couple of children are asked to practice and “fix” a damaged mirror.

When all the mirrors are working normally, the adult invites the children to do what people usually do in front of a mirror: wash, comb their hair, do exercises, dance. The mirror must simultaneously repeat all the person’s actions. You just need to try to do it very accurately, because there are no inaccurate mirrors!

Demonstrative behavior of adults

In adulthood, a similar pattern of behavior can occur at a subconscious level, and can be characterized by various manifestations of psychopathological symptoms.

For example, an individual prone to depression will in every possible way demonstrate and emphasize the loss of his interest in everything around him, and a person suffering from delusions of grandeur will flaunt his craving for dominance, as well as the superiority of his ideas and values.

In psychiatry, the term "hysterical personality" is actually synonymous with the term "demonstrative personality" when referring to demonstrative behavior in adults.

The main feature of this behavior is the pronounced ability to subconsciously repress any critical and rational assessment of oneself and one’s behavior, the development of “artistry.”

The main signs in this case are: excessive and persistent egocentrism, intolerance of manifestations of indifference or a neutral attitude towards one’s person, a thirst for the manifestation of any emotions addressed to oneself, a craving for recognition.

"Echo"

An adult tells the children about Echo, who lives in the mountains or in a large empty room; you cannot see it, but you can hear it: it repeats everything, even the strangest sounds. After this, the children are divided into two groups, one of which depicts travelers in the mountains, and the other - Echo. The first group of children in single file (in a chain) “travels around the room” and takes turns making different sounds (not words, but sound combinations), for example: “Au-u-u-u”, or: “Tr-r-r-r” , and so on. There should be long pauses between sounds, which are best regulated by the presenter. He can also monitor the order of pronounced sounds, i.e. show which of the children should make their sound and when. Children of the second group hide in different places in the room, listen carefully and try to reproduce as accurately as possible everything they heard. If Echo works asynchronously, i.e. does not reproduce sounds simultaneously, this is not scary. It is important that it does not distort sounds and reproduces them accurately.

The article “How to deal with demonstrative behavior?”

How to deal with demonstrative behavior

Demonstrative, defiant, pretentious behavior has much in common with stubbornness. Essentially, these are different sides of negativism. The only difference is that a stubborn person simply refuses to fulfill this or that request, this or that action, while a demonstrative child, in response to the standard set by the situation, reacts in a completely different, often unimaginable way.

We can say that stubbornness is passive negativism, and demonstrativeness is active. But such a division, of course, is arbitrary; there is no clear line here, and one can easily transform into another.

We have already touched on the demonstrative adolescence and now we will look at it from a slightly different perspective. There is an opinion that any, the most incredible manifestations of teenage “selfhood” are in the order of things. They say it’s okay, he’ll freak out. If only I didn’t end up in prison, I wouldn’t bring him to prison. And everything else - please!

It seems to us that a somewhat finer distinction is appropriate here. When a girl tries to put on an overly daring outfit, and a boy “indulges” in cigarettes or recklessly knocks over a glass of vodka, this is, of course, a demonstration. But within normal limits. (Naturally, with the allowance for the fact that demonstrative behavior is, in principle, inadequate, that is, does not correspond to generally accepted norms.)

But in this desire to artificially “grow up” there is at least an internal logic: a girl wants to seem like a sophisticated, seasoned woman, and a boy wants to seem like a seasoned man. Yes, these attempts are funny, but the goal is clear. Teenagers are sure that this is how they decorate themselves. In short, the content of their rebellion is their unwillingness to look their age. And vice versa, a violent desire to bring adulthood closer.

But a girl who cuts her hair bald, or a boy who dyes his hair bright green, is already a rebellion with some other background. Rather, it can be described as a hysterical attempt to attract attention. Moreover, the attention is negative. This should be alarming not even because of its extravagance, but because of the deliberate damage to one’s appearance, while the most important thing in adolescence is the desire to be liked.

Yes, this “difficult” age is characterized by extremes. And in a sense, children subsequently outgrow them. At the age of thirty, green hair is found only among city crazy people. But the hysterical desire to stand out, contrasting oneself with others at any cost, including the cost of losing attractiveness, does not disappear anywhere. The personal trend remains. It can transform and not be so conspicuous, but there is a danger that the destruction of the external appearance will be replaced by the destruction of the body as a whole and the psyche in the first place. No wonder punk teenagers, hippie teenagers, etc. is considered to be a “risk group”. Among them, drug addicts, alcoholics, and people with antisocial behavior are much more common.

So it turns out that demonstrativeness with a tendency to self-destruction, having crossed the barrier of puberty, outwardly seems to fade, but in essence it progresses. I would like to emphasize that this is a trend, and not a fatally inevitable development, but it is better to pay attention to such a trend in time and take appropriate measures.

Speaking about the demonstrative in the psycho-elevation “key”, it is natural to ask the question: can it, demonstrativeness, be a pathological dominant of the personality?

This is not easy to answer. Yes and no.

Like stubbornness, demonstrativeness is rather an accompanying behavioral sign, but it can become so bright, so blatant that it overshadows the main one. It happens when you see a woman whose clothes have some kind of bright, flashy color or shape accessory, you no longer notice the basis of her clothing - a coat. All you think is: “Who’s there in the raspberry beret?”

But in the strict sense of the word, demonstrativeness is never a pathological dominant in neurotics. In any case, we have not encountered this, although we see demonstrative children in almost every group. What is useful to know about demonstrative™?

Firstly, that this is a paradoxical manifestation of shyness.

It is interesting that at first such children seem quite relaxed, even cheeky. The thought of their shyness does not even occur to them. And at the first stage of treatment, they successfully cope with the requirement to show a theatrical sketch on a screen. But you need to see what happens to them at the second stage, when they have to participate in the play and they know that there is a premiere, a stage, and spectators ahead! Suddenly they become terribly constrained, even wooden. In the literal sense of the word, they are not like themselves.

Usually shyness and embarrassment are expressed in the desire to hide, hide, and become invisible. But here it’s the other way around. A person does not hide, but exposes himself in every possible way, and with a “minus” sign. What's the matter here?

Most likely, this behavior corresponds to the Shakespearean formula “It is better to be a sinner than to be considered a sinner.” We have already talked about the low self-esteem of a shy person and his mistaken belief that everyone’s attention is paid to him and that it is not at all approving, that, on the contrary, he is condemned, despised, and laughed at. And all this is against his desire, against his will.

"Ah well?! - thinks a person of a shy, but by no means meek disposition (and such a combination does happen). “It would be better if I myself provoke your indignation, your contempt, your laughter.”

And he begins to provoke negative emotions in those around him, which, he is convinced, he involuntarily evokes anyway. That is, he begins, as it were, to orchestrate “universal hostility towards himself,” thereby protecting his pride from unexpected injuries. Now he knows in advance what to expect at one time or another, and such volitional intervention sheds drops of balm on his countless mental wounds.

Secondly, demonstrativeness is often generated by an unquenched thirst for leadership. Or rather, not quenched in the normal way. By the way, perhaps this is where we should look for the fundamental difference between demonstrative children and simply shy ones. This point cannot be underestimated. In many cases, when such a child acquires a “healthy” field for self-affirmation, his demonstrativeness smoothes out or disappears altogether.

And finally, the third circumstance that is important to consider. One of the most significant, and sometimes the most significant, source of demonstrativeness is one or another vice in family relationships. And this is probably worth stopping at.

* * *

Sometimes difficulties in a family are immediately apparent. For example, in the story with Grisha, much was clear from the very beginning: the mother did not hide from us that the boy had a very difficult relationship with his stepfather.

In his first marriage, his stepfather had a son whom he adored and whom he constantly compared to his stepson. Not at all in favor of the latter. The situation is quite understandable, but it was not clear what to do with all this. The stepfather willingly admitted his mistakes, but declared that he was unable to change. But Grisha had a completely unangelic character and did not agree to play the role of a victim. His behavior was not just demonstrative, but defiant. Coming to visit, he, an eleven-year-old schoolboy, could throw a scandal or whine for half an evening, seeing that everyone was having a lot of fun, and demand to immediately take him home. At home, he was no good at all. He literally tormented adults with grumpiness, eternal nagging, reaching the point of outright bullying, and the desire to always do everything in the opposite direction. Even his greed was demonstrative to the point of caricature. And he was not at all ashamed of it, but on the contrary, he tirelessly emphasized it.

- And I'm greedy! - he proclaimed defiantly in our classes, not ashamed of either children or adults.

In general, without having time to get to know us, Grisha introduced us to his family conflicts.

- Uncle Vitya (stepfather) is my worst enemy, -

Grisha declared, glaring at his mother.

As for the mother, she, as usually happens in such cases, rushed between two fires, was completely confused, exhausted and did not even have a rough idea of what to do.

Grisha and I had to tinker quite a bit. Realizing that there was no hope for “reforging” my stepfather, we threw all our efforts into harmonizing Grisha’s relationship with his mother. First of all, she had to solve a very difficult task: to refocus her attention from the negative manifestations of her son (of which there were a great many!) to the positive ones (of which there were a lot). And do everything possible to elevate Grisha both in his own eyes and in the eyes of those around him. It was also not easy with those around him, because Grisha had already gained a strong bad reputation among his friends and acquaintances.

We also influenced Grisha directly, letting him understand through theatrical “master-dog” sketches (and he understood everything perfectly, since he was a smart boy) that demonstrativeness is, first of all, funny. An interesting detail: in your questionnaire, to the question “What do you dream about?” he answered succinctly: “About power.” So, by placing the dog (which we conceived as a symbolic alterego of the child) in various absurd situations caused by its demonstrativeness, we tried to inspire Grisha that it is impossible to control people if you constantly oppose yourself to them and are willful.

There are also situations that are not so transparent. Everything seemed to be going well in Valentin’s family. A loving mother, a devoted, caring father and a sister of the same age, with whom Valya had a completely friendly, trusting relationship.

And for some time we, like our mother, also wondered why in such a wonderful family the boy would do God knows what: skip classes, be insolent to teachers, engage in all sorts of hooligan antics and, most importantly, do everything only in defiance. Even if his parents offered him something he knew was loved, pleasant, long desired, he would certainly refuse, and not just refuse, but with a knife to his throat, demanding something that was not and could not be on the “menu.”

Let's say a family was going to Novgorod for the winter holidays. The trip was planned in advance, it took a long time to prepare for it, and now we’re leaving tomorrow. Almost before the train departs, Valya declares that he will not go to Novgorod, but wants to visit his relatives in Kaluga. And he insists on his own!

True, nothing like this happened in our classes. And if it weren’t for noticeable eye tics, we would have no complaints about Valya. Yes, it was clear that the boy was proud, not averse to showing off, to show off, but this had nothing in common with the picture that his mother, sparing no colors and not without literary skill, painted in her weekly reports.

And if it weren’t for the story with feminine hygiene bags, we would have been perplexed for a long time. Fortunately, it did not happen at the end, but in the middle of the treatment cycle, and my mother was not slow in telling us about it.

Twelve-year-old Valya pestered her for several days with questions about hygiene bags: what, they say, are they, what are they intended for? And everything is “blue eye”! The mother blushed, turned pale, began to sweat, and finally, giving in, she explained everything as it was. She sincerely believed that he was asking because he didn’t know (at the age of twelve, and even with such careful advertising!).

Having become wary, we looked at the family idyll with different eyes. And they saw that the father, kind, positive, economical, was completely inconsistent in temperament with his ardent wife, who, like Lermontov’s sail, was always “asking for storms.” And he doesn’t even ask, but seems to be pushing for it. Valya (as surprising as it may be, if you remember her complaints) turned out to be that very “storm” in which she only found paradoxical peace.

He turned out to be a worthy partner, a worthy opponent. Here, as they say, “I found a scythe on a stone.” Proud and independent Valya did not want to obey his authoritarian mother. Such insubordination infuriated her. But all this was at the level of consciousness. The unconscious picture was exactly the opposite. In his defiant manner. Valya's management uninterruptedly provided his mother, whom he loved unconditionally, with the thrills she craved. He was an inexhaustible source of life.

For Valya, these endless showdowns also had a meaning hidden from consciousness. His personality is quite bright and strong; he subconsciously pretended to be an adult man. Moreover, the “holy place” - a strong-willed, strong, fearless father - was empty. And Valya (psychologically, of course) tried to occupy him. But he used children’s products. (And what else could the child use?) In general, we were dealing with a real, albeit implicit, “psychological marriage.”

And in Grishin, and in Valin, and in many similar cases, the main efforts should have been directed to working with parents. Correction of children’s behavior took place “to the extent”, and only in order to quickly remove a behavioral background that was difficult for those around them.

To tell the truth, the children’s behavior would have improved in any case, since it was a derivative of the parents’ incorrect attitude towards them. Although, of course, children prone to demonstrative behavior have their own specifics. They are, as a rule, painfully proud, so you need to help them find a normal way of self-affirmation. It’s easy to do this in our classes - they turn out to be great artists, but it’s important to take care of the future.

Of course, it is possible to give such children sketches for demonstration, although this is not particularly necessary.

Similar studies are needed in other cases: when a person does not realize that demonstrativeness is absurd, funny, ugly, that it makes a repulsive impression on others. (Neurotics are aware of this in the depths of their souls, although they do not always admit it.) Such an “unconscious” attitude towards one’s own demonstrativeness can be observed in hysterical psychopathy and some forms of schizophrenia. While behaving pretentiously, a schizophrenic or hysteric does not at all believe that he is doing something inappropriate. On the contrary, it seems to him that thanks to this he becomes more attractive and interesting.

Let's say, a girl, going to the market, puts on a skirt that reaches her toes, specially made for this purpose, throws a colorful scarf with fringe over her shoulders, hangs not an ordinary shopping bag on her arm, but an old antediluvian purse, or ties a birch bark bag to her belt.

Everything seems to be quite logical. If you ask her, she will tell you that she wants to maintain style, to be “closer to the people,” and besides, it’s convenient to carry potatoes in her purse, and raspberries in her berry bag. And everything seems to be correct. But there is too much of something, and not enough of something. Some things are over-emphasized, while others are left unattended. Like in the theater.

After all, when we watch even a completely realistic performance, we do not confuse it with life. Although, it would seem, everything is like in life: events, behavior, clothes, speech, but still theater! And not only because there is a stage and a hall. There is a concept of genre purity. Therefore, no matter how much modernist directors bring theater closer to life, the theater only becomes less theatrical, but not more lifelike.

So in reality, the attempt to “make a theater out of life”, as a rule, looks pretentious and, in its inappropriateness (for the place of theater is in the theater), alas, leads to suspicions of a psychiatric nature. Although in the circles of the creative elite this is considered one of the main advantages. (However, in these same circles there is a myth that mentally ill people are true geniuses, and the sicker they are, the more brilliant they are. For parents of sick children, however, this does not make it any easier.)

It is interesting that often in cases of serious, profound mental disorders, of course, with the exception of acute, clinical cases, demonstrativeness is less obvious than in neuroses, and it is caught at the level of shades and nuances.

For example, if you remember our patient Marina. A girl with a completely feminine figure, she, as befits a teenager with a slightly earlier puberty, was completely absorbed in “lyrical” feelings: she sighed about the boy she met in the summer, was jealous of his girlfriend, was interested only in television series about love, cried at at the mere mention of the object of her love and willingly shared her experiences about him with anyone.

To a less attentive person, this thirteen-year-old girl might seem sensitive to the point of sentimentality and open to the point of defenselessness. And this is precisely what was included in the list of mother’s complaints. As a matter of fact, that’s how it was. Well, not really. The main thing was different.

There was some inadequacy in Marina’s entire behavior. She resembled a literary character, and not a specific one, but a collective one. Before us was not a modern girl, but the heroine of a sentimental novel of the late 18th century. But that's not all! In the end, this happens: you look at a person and think that it would be more natural for him to be born in a different era... But in Marina, her very character was ridiculous.

Just like everything else: gait, voice, intonation, smile. They looked completely out of place, and it was clear that she was not “interested”, but simply did not know how to do otherwise. And she doesn’t understand how her behavior differs from normal, why they laugh at her. To be completely precise, she resembled a village fool pretending to be a sensitive young lady. But, we repeat, she did not impersonate anyone. She was like that.

And all this was so difficult to grasp (although it was felt in every gesture, in every phase) that we really could not formulate our complaints and explain to the mother what exactly and how could be corrected in Marina’s behavior.

But we literally felt it with our skin. Like many other people, for example, Marina’s classmates, who made fun of her, becoming attached, which is typical, to something secondary: to clothes, to her long braid, although she dressed usually, and the braid was still worn in her class three girls. When the teacher, who always stood up for Marina, once tried to find out from the children what the matter was, she finally heard something more intelligible:

- Why is she showing off?.. Pretending to be something unknown...

The children couldn’t say anything more specific, but they caught the essence: the girl’s demonstrativeness, pretentiousness, and unnaturalness. Although they took this essence for antics.

In such cases, we assign demonstrative behavior the role of a pathological dominant.

And we purposefully, systematically teach different models of behavior, a different manner of behaving. And sometimes we even go to extreme measures: we directly tell the child that the strange, absurd behavior of the dog is somewhat reminiscent of his own. If we are guided by the principles of our methodology, then this is truly an extreme measure. Neurotics never hear this from us.

Of course, in these cases, one must keep in mind that demonstrativeness is placed at the forefront conditionally, that the true pathological dominant is something else. For example, with hysteria it is most often a manifestation of poorly realized but violent impulses of sexuality. Schizophrenia is a special topic in general.

* * *

Well, now, so that you can imagine the content of demonstrative studies, we give several examples.

1. The girl went to visit her friend and took her dog with her. True, at first she wanted to go alone, but the dog really wanted to visit (act out the dialogue). They arrived, and the host dog ran out to meet the guest dog and barked joyfully. Our dog was also happy at heart that there would be an opportunity to play, but for greater importance she began to grimace, make dissatisfied grimaces, pretend that she was completely indifferent to the dog that rushed towards her and even despised her a little. The owner dog was offended, crawled under the sofa and sat there all evening. And our girl’s friend asked her to come without a dog next time. When they went outside, they had a conversation... (about what?)

2. The dog goes out into the yard. There are many other dogs who play without paying attention to her

attention. She walks around them for a while, and then begins to roll on the grass and howl wildly. The owner hears this terrible howl and runs out into the yard in horror. What does he see?

Dogs and people surrounded his dog, and the dog rolled on the grass, howled as loud as he could and thought: “How great! I'm the center of attention! Everyone said: “Poor dog! Cruel master, couldn’t you keep track of her?” At this time, a dog ambulance arrived. The doctor examines the dog and declares that this is a simulation. Everyone laughs and thinks: “What a stupid dog!” ...(what is the dog thinking at this time? The owner?).

3. The dog angered its owner with something (think of something), and the owner yelled at it. The dog barked angrily in response and ran out into the street. “I won’t come home!” - she thought. But then it got dark, it became cold, and it began to rain. The dog approached the door of his apartment, scratched, the owner opened it... (what dialogue follows?)

4. (We give such sketches only to those demonstrative children whose behavior

There are also such touches.)

The dog had an argument in the yard with other dogs (about what?). And deciding that you couldn’t prove anything to them anyway, she returned home upset. "What happened to you?" - asked the owner. “I’m tired of everything, I’m disgusted with everything,” the dog whined and ran to the kitchen. A minute later she returned with a huge kitchen knife in her teeth. “Here’s a knife for you,” she turned to the owner in despair, “kill me!” I'm tired of living! The owner took the dog in his arms, affectionately stroked its raised fur and said... (what did the owner say to her to calm her down?)

"Magic glasses"

An adult solemnly announces that he has magic glasses through which one can see only the good that is in a person, even what a person sometimes hides from everyone. “Now I’m going to try on these glasses... Oh, how beautiful, funny, smart you all are!” Approaching each child, the adult names one of his virtues (someone draws well, someone has a new doll, someone makes their bed well). “Now let each of you try on glasses, look at others and try to see as much good as possible in everyone. Maybe even something I hadn’t noticed before.” Children take turns putting on magic glasses and naming the virtues of their comrades. If someone is at a loss, you can help him and suggest some virtue of his friend. Repetition is not a problem here, although if possible it is advisable to expand the range of good qualities.

"Bragging Competition"

An adult invites the children to hold a braggart competition. “The one who boasts the best wins. We will not brag about ourselves, but about our neighbor. It's so nice to have the best neighbor! Look closely at the person sitting to your right. Think about what he’s like, what’s good about him, what he can do, what good deeds he’s done, what you might like about him. Don't forget that this is a competition. The winner will be the one who boasts better about his neighbor, who finds more merit in him.”

After such an introduction, the children in a circle name the advantages of their neighbor and brag about his merits. In this case, the objectivity of the assessment is not at all important - whether these advantages are real or invented. The “scale” of these advantages is also not important - it can be a loud voice, a neat hairstyle, and long (or short) hair. The main thing is that children notice these characteristics of their peers and are able not only to positively evaluate them, but also to brag about them to their peers. The winner is chosen by the children themselves, but if necessary, an adult can express their opinion. To make the victory more meaningful and desirable, you can reward the winner with some small prize (a paper medal for “Best Braggart” or a badge). Such a prize arouses even the most selfish child’s interest in his peer and the desire to find as many merits in him as possible.

HYSTEROID (DEMONSTRATIVE) CHILD

BASIC QUALITIES The main thing for demonstrative people is to constantly be in the center of attention, to receive as many signs of admiration, veneration, and approval as possible. People of this type are overly occupied with their own personality; in this sense, they speak of their extreme egocentrism. All other qualities are associated with this property and serve it. The appearance of demonstrators is usually bright and attractive. Lively facial expressions, lively speech, open manner of communication - all this can be noticeable from childhood. Such children often become the favorites of parents, educators and teachers, they are pampered and praised. They love performing in front of guests. At school they willingly sign up for amateur activities. Such a child early begins to appreciate the way he is dressed and draws the attention of other people to his suit and dress. Often, hysterical children bring toys with them (to kindergarten, school) that add brightness to their owners. This is not a teddy bear - dear and worn, but super dolls in new dresses, watches to go in with and impress other children, and then forget them somewhere under the table...). In addition, hysterical children notice early on adults’ jewelry: “What kind of beads you have, I want those too.” It would seem that such behavior is often characteristic only of girls, but hysteria also occurs in boys. Example: “Maxim, entering the kindergarten group, announces his new role loudly, with some pause for greater significance, he is a fireman. It’s okay that everyone is doing it at the moment. He is guaranteed attention for almost the whole day. Before him, no one had ever called himself a fireman or anything else. True, Maxim does not yet know what a fireman should do, but he has a red suit, and that says it all. The next day he came wearing his father’s tie (I must say that he looked very interesting), the tie reached to the floor, but this did not bother Maxim, he walked proudly and stumbled, which attracted the attention of both children and adults even more.” The intonation with which hysterical children speak is also special. In every phrase one can hear mannerism and theatricality. This is noticeable even in those children who do not yet speak or speak “their own language.” Such children should not be asked to stand in front of a camera. They pose themselves: they smile, take certain poses, do not allow other children to be photographed, stand in front of them all the time and, when you develop the film, you see that it contains the most photographs of little hysterical children. At the same time, they play any role, easily change, easily switch in communication with one child or adult to another, if this allows them to become more noticeable or significant. Hysterical children are attached to those people who provide them with the desired admiration, worship, and help in overcoming difficulties. However, as soon as you stop paying attention to the hysteroid, he will reorient himself to someone else, more attentive to his person. WHAT ARE THE PROBLEM ASPECTS OF HYSTEROID CHARACTER? At first glance, demonstrative people give the impression of being very emotional people. However, their emotionality is special: they react sharply to any events that affect them personally, and are much less attentive to the problems of others. The “pain points” of demonstrative people are affected by everything that prevents them from looking special and exceptional. This could be any criticism of their statements, opinions or actions; refusal of their persistent requests; loss of attention and refusal of love; loss of authority in the company, loss of a prominent position. To all this, demonstrative people of any age give violent reactions. The range of such reactions extends from the whims of a child with a theatrical fall on the floor to threats to drown himself or hang himself (which, as a rule, are not carried out). It is noteworthy that demonstrative people consciously or semi-consciously use their emotions in communication. At the most violent reaction, they carefully observe the effect of their “suffering” on others, and next time they repeat the same thing with greater force. The ability to manipulate others with the help of their emotions is one of the very characteristic features of demonstrative people. This ability is well illustrated by a well-known dialogue with a child: “Who are you crying to: mom or grandma?” - B-a-bushka! The child is crying to his grandmother, but he is crying, that is, he is worried. Question: what is this experience? Is it sincere? Yes and no, because it is COUNTING on the feelings of the grandmother. When faced with real difficulties and lack of attention, hysterical children quickly lose interest in what they are doing. Monotonous activities that require focus on details, consistency and perseverance quickly tire a hysterical child, especially if he is not observed and is not stimulated by his “undoubted success.” Moreover, if a child cannot avoid difficulties, he may get sick. It should be remembered that in hysterical children, if it is impossible to avoid activities and tasks that cause mental stress, various, even physiological, protective reactions of self-preservation may manifest themselves: gastrointestinal disorders, breathing problems, signs of colds, etc. PROBLEMS OF HYSTEROIDS AT DIFFERENT AGES Demonstrative a preschooler is often just a lively, bright child, sometimes, however, a little capricious and spoiled. However, from the beginning of school, problems arise due to the reluctance to work hard. Preparing home lessons is accompanied by tears, complaints about bad “misunderstanding” teachers, and bargaining with parents. Relations with classmates are also turbulent. They are filled with acute feelings of rivalry, jealousy, resentment for inattention, and refusal to be friends. As a result, demonstrators enter into conflicts, accuse them of “treason,” and organize “coalitions.” In elementary grades, they often take on the role of a “clown” or “jester,” thereby hoping to gain authority and sympathy. Demonstrative teenagers also use various means: flashy clothes, fashionable hobbies, expensive watches or cell phones, fictitious stories about the status of the father or the wealth of the family, impressive stories from their personal lives. However, success among peers is short-lived. They quickly detect lies or attempts to rise up, not backed by real strength of character. Such a teenager finds himself in the position of “king for an hour,” and then he changes company in search of those who will appreciate him “at his true worth.” HOW TO RAISING A DEMONSTRATIVE CHILD? A demonstrative child should not be praised or made into a “family idol.” It is for such a character that this is especially undesirable. When adults continuously admire and are proud of a demonstrative child, their ardent admiration is grist for the mill of his desire for a position of exclusivity. Over time, this can create the belief that success and worship are due in life, simply because that is who he is. Praise for such a child should be strictly dosed. The other undesirable extreme is, on the contrary, to deprive demonstrative attention and ignore it altogether. In this case he will suffer. The "middle ground" tactic is to show him your approval only when he works hard and conscientiously. It is in such cases that you should pay attention to it, but in others - not. The next pitfall that awaits parents and loved ones is the emotional manipulation of a demonstrative child. In no case should one give in to his crying and screaming, which he makes in response to a ban or refusal to fulfill his desires. Moreover, you cannot give in when he screams and cries! A firm parental “no,” said without repetition, just once, and remaining calm are the only measures that will help a child get rid of the tendency to behave this way. Finally, an important direction in educating the personality of a demonstrative child is to overcome his increased egocentrism. To do this, it is necessary to tirelessly draw his attention to others - their conditions, affairs, needs. It is worth positively reinforcing his every sympathetic movement towards another, care and concern for another. Based on the need for praise, this will help develop altruistic feelings. Parents' self-care greatly contributes to weakening the child's selfishness. It’s good when they show not in words, but in deeds, that their interests are no less important and often have priority.

"The Connecting Thread"

Children sit in a circle, passing a ball of thread to each other so that everyone who was already holding the ball takes up the thread. The passing of the ball is accompanied by statements about what the children would like to wish to others. The adult starts, thereby setting an example. He then turns to the children, asking if they want to say anything. When the ball returns to the leader, the children, at the request of the adult, pull the thread and close their eyes, imagining that they form one whole, that each of them is important and significant in this whole.

"Princess Nesmeyana"

An adult tells a fairy tale about Princess Nesmeyana and offers to play the same game. One of the children will be a princess who is sad and cries all the time. The children take turns approaching Princess Nesmeyane and trying to console her and make her laugh. The princess will try her best not to laugh. The one who can make the princess smile wins. Then the children change roles.

Such games promote the formation of community with others and the opportunity to see friends and partners in peers. When a child feels the joy of common play, of what we do together, when he shares this joy with others, his proud self will most likely stop demanding praise and admiration. A sense of community and interest in others are the foundation on which only full communication between people and normal human relationships can be built.

Elena Smirnova Head Laboratory of Psychology of Preschool Children, Psychological Institute of the Russian Academy of Education, Professor, Doctor of Psychology Article from the August issue of the magazine