Lying in adolescence: reasons and guidelines for action

Content

• Reason for lying
• Shame
• Fear
• Good intentions
• Habit
• Best Tactics

Hello, dear readers of my blog! Today’s article is dedicated to lies, or more precisely, to what to do if your adult son constantly lies. We will understand with you the reasons for this behavior, find out where children get the habit of telling lies and try together to understand what to do about it. Choosing a tactic for interacting with a liar is not so easy. Sometimes with our good intentions we drive a person further into a lie.

"Bonus" for teenagers

All of the above reasons can also be applied to teenagers. But, starting from early adolescence (9-11 years old) and up to adolescence, children have another significant reason to cheat. This is the creation of personal territory: the desire to push the boundaries that adults have set for them.

What should parents do in this case? Of course, meet the child halfway. But everything should be within reason. There will be disputes, there will be grievances. But a child must learn to defend his interests, and an adult must learn to regulate the boundaries of what is permitted.

For example, your 14-year-old daughter asks to have a sleepover with a friend on her day off. Horrible pictures immediately flash through an adult’s head, where he sees his daughter smoking, drinking liters of beer and, to complete the picture, there will definitely be guys about 20 years old there. At this moment, you must pull yourself together, gather your courage and construct your conversation so that your daughter understands that you trust her. “It’s great that you have a friend with whom I’m not afraid to let you spend the night!” or “I also had a best friend with whom I often went for sleepovers. We had a very interesting and fun time." By the way, our personal life experiences are always interesting to children and often they will do the same as you did at their age. But don’t try to catch your child lying in advance: you are 100% sure to get one in return.

Reason for lying

Lying is a defense mechanism. We all, one way or another, resort to this technique in our lives. There is not a single person who always tells only the truth to everyone. Agree, sometimes lies are told so as not to offend a person.

For example, your mother-in-law prepared soup. The brew tastes terrible, but you don’t want to hurt your relative’s feelings and say that the soup turned out to be very interesting and unusual.

People resort to lies for various reasons. Let's figure out what exactly can motivate your offspring to tell lies. Because only after realizing the reason, you will understand what to do.

How to stop a child from lying

Gradually, mom and dad wonder how to stop their child from lying. If you realize that your child often lies, do not start scolding him. It is possible that he simply has a rich imagination and needs to channel his talent into a creative direction. If creativity does not help, then you should contact a child psychologist. He will select the right solution to the problem and tell you what to do if the child is lying.

If the child does not know how best to act in any situation, then explain to him that he can always consult with his parents. That they will tell him the right decision and he has nothing to be embarrassed or afraid of. The child must understand that his parents are always on his side, even if he is wrong or has lied to someone.

A lie is an important tool, like matches or a knife. It can be dangerous, but if used correctly it can be beneficial. It is necessary to explain in detail and clearly to the child that there are situations in which one must always tell only the truth. But sometimes it’s worth embellishing a little or staying silent so as not to offend a loved one. It is important not to teach a child to always tell the truth, but to raise him to be smart and quick-witted. So that he himself understands and decides when and what is best to say.

Shame

Sometimes a person is terribly ashamed of his actions and he prefers not to talk about them, but to come up with another story. This is roughly the situation with reluctance to go to work. It’s easier for him to say that there is no work, all the vacancies are already filled, that he goes for interviews, but they don’t take him anywhere, than to tell the truth - he just doesn’t want to work.

Shame is a very powerful motivator for lying. When a person is unpleasant to talk about his actions, he regrets what he has done, he may want to change it, but he does not yet know how. Pay close attention to what topic your son comes up with lies about.

One of my friends believed for a long time that her son lived with a girl, although it turned out that they had separated more than two months ago. The guy himself was to blame for the breakup and he didn’t want to tell his parents about it, he was ashamed.

Or the guy lost his job because he made a big mistake. He is ashamed of this and therefore does not tell anyone or comes up with all sorts of tall tales.

Everyday lies. My son has been lying constantly for 3 months now. 11 years

Girls, your hands are already giving up. I don't know how to deal with this problem. Everyday lies. This has been going on for the last 3 months.

I got confused about how to put it under the cut and all the huge text was erased.

I do not know what to do. I started lying about a month ago. 3 ago. I am already exhausted and in quiet shock. I will give examples.

At school he gets solid 4's and 5's. His head is clear, his brains are in place. And then I see how in a month he gets a 3 in history. In his favorite subject! I called from work and asked: have you learned history? Yes, everything is great. And then 3, 3, 3. It turns out I didn’t teach, but read it once. (at the beginning of the quarter there were 5 and 4). My father threatened that if he gets 3 in the quarter, he won’t go to the games with the football team. He went and agreed with the teacher that she would ask him. He learned under my supervision, got a 5 and barely completed the quarter with a 4. I ask why I cheated? I explain that history is not a subject that you need to rack your brains over. Just learn it. He said that he understood everything.

I called and asked: did you walk the dog before football? Yes, sure! I come home from work and the dog makes a puddle in front of me. The deception is revealed. I ask why I lied. Well, you didn’t take her for a walk, so say so. I’ll come home from work and won’t take off my clothes, but I’ll take the dog for a walk. It's not scary. It's scary that I lied. The dog looks guilty, the mother spends half an hour with a rag and powder. His answer: I don't know.

In the morning I ask: did he walk the dog (the dog is his best friend)? Yes, sure. I'm already starting to not believe it. I look, and the shoes stand just as I washed them the night before, the soles are shiny. The deception is revealed. He looks downcast and answers: I don’t know why I lied. I explain - well, you haven’t walked with her yet, that’s not a problem. Don't lie, get dressed right now and go for a walk. No, it's easier to lie. And you know, with such an air that they don’t believe him, deeply offended.

I called from work and asked: did you have lunch? Yes thank you! I come home... twice the food remained in the refrigerator untouched, once I threw everything into the toilet and completely clogged it. Accordingly, the deception is revealed. (I'm afraid to think how much the dog ate) I don't swear anymore. I explain calmly that nutrition is very important for him, he goes in for sports. That the toilet could flood the neighbors. He is silent with his head down. The lies continue.

He plays football and chess professionally. This is his personal choice! Nobody forces you! When he comes to training and leaves it, he always calls back. I went to chess. They walk for 2.5 hours. An hour later he calls and says: training is over, I’m going home. I say: why so early? an hour has just passed. In response on the phone: Oh! It turns out that I didn’t go to chess, but played football with the guys in the yard; I didn’t calculate the time. Well, if you don’t want to go to chess, don’t go! Nobody forces you! I explain that it turns out I don’t even know where you are. If something happens, where can I look for you? I apologized...

I also have a 7-year-old daughter. Children save money given to them. By the way, my son bought himself a smartphone, a TV for his room, and an expensive scooter. Then I see that money is evaporating from the piggy bank... it turns out he used it to buy pints and feed the kid in the yard. 1000 rubles each, 500 rubles each. We talked about this topic. At home there is everything in abundance and pindikas. He said that he understood everything. And then I see that 1000 rubles are missing from my daughter’s piggy bank! That's it, alles! Then, of course, I screamed and couldn’t restrain myself. She said that she had no moral right to take other people's money. My daughter was saving up for ballet shoes.

I’m already talking to him, and I’m not talking in silence, I’ve shouted a couple of times, my husband is intimidating with his favorite football and summer camp (that he won’t pay for the trip - his son loves the camp). In the end now I just sigh and cry. The son almost always apologizes for his actions, but cannot explain why he does this. Either he says I don’t know or remains dejectedly silent. And when he is brought into the open with an offended look, he zealously proves the opposite.

How to cope with the situation, give up. And I see no reason to lie and he cannot stop. I don't hit the child. I always try to explain that I won’t be angry if he says that: he doesn’t want to go to chess, he’s too lazy to walk the dog, he has no appetite, he needs help with his studies, asking for money is not a problem either. I explain that I am angry when he has already lied and continues to lie to his face until he is pinned to the wall with iron facts.

Help! I'm desperate!

Fear

Another strong motivator for lying. It begins to form from childhood. My friend always told his mother that he was going to teach homework to the excellent student in his class, but in reality he was running off to play with other boys at an abandoned construction site. He understood that his mother would scold him greatly if he told her about the games at the construction site.

Children lie because they are afraid of punishment. This includes the issue of theft. If you notice that your wallet is somewhat empty after meeting your son, then it's time to talk to him. Read the article “How to explain that you can’t steal.” A child steals and is afraid that he will be punished for it, so he begins to lie. And where one lie is born, a second, a third, and so on appear.

Fear comes from mistrust. When a person does not trust his parents or friends, colleagues or subordinates, he does not tell the truth, lies, gets out and adapts to the situation as best he can. Fear that they will be punished, not understood, judged, laughed at, or mocked. All this pushes a person to tell the story in a different light.

How to respond to children's lies: instructions for parents of children over 6 years old

First, let's talk about children over 6 years old - about those who, in a year and a half of their lives, have not only “learned” to lie, but have also practiced this craft properly. That is, about children who lie quite consciously and for certain reasons.

As a rule, children have absolutely no need to lie if their parents are adequate, loving, patient and understanding. The warmer and more trusting the relationships in the family (not only between children and parents, but also between all household members in general), the more sincere, honest and open the children grow up in it. Remember, no matter what happens, you should always be on the side of the child, and not at odds with him. If a child sees in you protection, comfort, warmth, guardianship and care, then he simply will not have a reason to lie to you - this also fits into the concept of “instinct” of self-preservation of his personality.

If you see and understand the reason why your baby has suddenly turned into something like Pinocchio, there is no other way to make him stop lying except to eliminate this reason. And often this requires a fair amount of effort on your part.

• If a child lies out of fear of punishment, learn to punish correctly and adequately. Stop intentionally shaming your child, reprimanding him excessively, criticizing him, and also don’t place your ambitions and aspirations on the child. In other words, a child can rudely and constantly lie to you about everything in the world just because you dream of raising him to be the next Nureyev, but he actually likes steam locomotives.
• Never deliberately try to catch a child in a lie - this provocative behavior will not add trust and warmth to your relationship.
• Don't lie to yourself! Think about it one day: how often do you lie to your child? Lying about why you don't buy him a new toy or new sneakers; about why he can’t go for a walk in the neighboring area; about where my grandmother disappeared six months ago, etc. Or you demonstrate to him your lie: “Please pick up the phone and say that I’m not at home”... And note that in these situations you yourself deftly find an excuse for your lies and do not feel guilty in front of the child... So why then should the child be responsible if he lies to you?
• Never miss an opportunity to sincerely admire your child - his victories and successes, his creative attempts (drawings, dancing, singing), his intelligence and obedience. And in the same way - support your child during failures. And not only in words! If your child is struggling with math, cheer him up, and then devote a couple of your evenings to studying math for 3rd grade, shoulder to shoulder with your child.

Good intentions

Sometimes lies are born for salvation. Such lies are always hidden behind good intentions. So that parents don’t get nervous, mom doesn’t worry, and so on.

For example, my friend was going to go on vacation with just the girls in the summer. But she told her mother that there would be two more guys with them, because she understood that her mother would be very worried if she found out that the girls were going to another country alone without male strength.

Here we are most often talking about petty and insignificant lies. Although I met a man who, until the last moment, did not tell his family that he was terminally ill, because he did not want to expose them to unnecessary stress and worry.

Why does a child lie and steal money?

When adults realized that their child began to lie or steal money, they begin to grieve and think why this is happening, and whether other children behave this way. There may be several reasons for this.

Main reasons

• One of the common reasons why children lie is because they are afraid of punishment. But some have a special fear: either due to lack of self-confidence, or due to the excessive strictness of dad or mom. And therefore, such children begin to think that they would rather lie and avoid trouble than tell the truth and receive corporal or verbal punishment.
• Most adults have no idea that their students may have complexes. This often happens when children communicate with peers who live more prosperously and interestingly. Therefore, children begin to lie in order to assert themselves in society and look better in the eyes of others.
• From an early age, children build personal boundaries. They don't yet know what all this means. But they already want not to demand too much from them and not to invade their personal territory.
• Single-parent and problem families are at greater risk. You can often hear how in such cases a child steals money or engages in vandalism. But this only happens when parents do not start sounding the alarm in time.
• A child must respect his parents. However, they should not forget that there is no need to put pressure on the baby with your authority . Otherwise, the student protests. And it is often accompanied by lies and theft.

Age characteristics

Age plays a significant role in the issue of children's lies. As a child grows up, his worldview and behavior changes. Therefore, you need to understand the characteristics of children's lies at a certain age.

1. At 3-4 years old, all children seem like cute angels and harmless little ones. Kids are just learning about the world around them, and they have their own opinions. At this age, they often do not lie, but simply fantasize. It is important that parents do not frighten children's imagination, because there is nothing wrong with it. On the contrary, mom and dad should support their baby. If he always talks about a flying unicorn or the tooth fairy, you should offer to draw them together. The child must feel that mom and dad believe him.

2. At 5 years old, a preschooler is not yet able to understand where the truth is and where the lie is. The baby believes everything his parents tell him. But when he realizes that he is being deceived, he thinks that there is nothing wrong with lying. At this age, you can very quickly eradicate children's lies. The main thing is to let the baby know that he is loved in any way. And this needs to be done as soon as possible - before 6 years.

3. At the age of 7, students go to school. Their worldview changes and the need for personal space appears. Parents help organize it and explain that freedom and permissiveness are different concepts. And if he began to lie at this stage, it can be easily corrected.

4. At the age of 8, schoolchildren develop a desire to please others, and especially mom and dad. This is why kids begin to lie to them about their grades. You shouldn't blame them for this. Explain that lying is a temporary salvation. Which means it doesn't make any sense.

5. At the age of 9, a schoolchild develops a desire to assert himself in society. And if he didn’t understand before, then at the age of 10 he already clearly sees the difference between lies and truth. But this doesn’t stop the child. The task of adults is to control what their child comes up with. The main thing is that his fantasies do not cross the boundaries.

6. At the age of 11, many children stop trusting adults, and hence the lie. Try to fix it yourself. If that doesn't work, you'll have to see a psychologist.

7. At the age of 12, children already have clearly established boundaries. And if family members violate them, they will see nothing but aggression, rudeness and lies. The only way out is to make sure that the child himself invites mom and dad into his life. And the sooner this happens, the better.

8. After the age of 13, teenagers become even more complex and resourceful. At this age, children most often steal and behave indecently. In this way they try to attract attention to themselves and define the boundaries of what is permitted.

Read more about age-related childhood crises and what to do in such situations.

Habit

Sometimes lying just becomes a habit. A person can no longer tell the truth, he invents all sorts of stories, tells fables and simply says nonsense. For him, lying becomes an integral part of life. He no longer knows how to do it any other way. It is difficult to say when lying became habitual for such a person. Here you need a consultation with a psychologist who can dig deeper.

There is no answer to the question “why are you lying.” The person is already lying for no reason. In response to attempts to catch him in a lie, he begins to become rude and angry. If you try to bring a person to clean water, he will respond with aggression. He doesn't do anything about it because everything suits him.

With such people it is most difficult to solve a problem. But I can offer you an excellent article: “How to recognize a lie.” If you still don’t always understand when he is telling the truth and when he is lying, then this article will help you once and for all understand the main signs of a liar.

Build a trusting relationship with your child

Your job is to form a quality relationship with your teenager. Those in which there will be trust, love and support between you. A teenager must understand that if he tells the truth (even the bitter one), you will support him. You will scold him, but, nevertheless, you will not turn away from him.

In this case, the teenager will lie to you less. Because he won't see the point in it. Telling the truth will be an easier way out of the situation for him than lying.

The opposite situation also exists. If you regularly accuse a teenager of making the wrong decision, he will lie to you. Or maybe stop talking about your problems altogether. And what worries him.

Because he will understand that if he tells the truth, you will criticize him once again. Who would like to be constantly humiliated and insulted? And also do not take his opinion into account?