The Internet is full of articles (how to remove fear, fear of approach, how to GET TO KNOW, etc.) Times are changing, and what may have worked before no longer works. The other day a guy wrote to me in personal messages on VK with the most popular question: “I’m afraid to meet girls, what should I do?” I replied that he needed it. You need to know how to GET TO KNOW, you need to overcome your fears and just start GET TO KNOW. Everything is quite simple, as you can see.
Why are guys afraid to meet girls?
Our upbringing plays a big role in this: many were raised very correct, even to the point of talking about how you shouldn’t go against the will of a girl, you need to ask the girl for permission, etc.
Overcome your fear - come here
The second point is that neither at school, nor at college, nor at university are we taught how to meet a girl.
We teach everything except what we really need: geopolitics, botany, rhetoric. We must understand that since we were not taught to communicate with girls, then we cannot know how to do it. And if we don’t know, then we have FEAR due to ignorance. Everything is correct.
Are you afraid to meet people?
Such a terrible beauty
A beauty always attracts men's attention, being bright, noticeable and sexy, but often remains lonely due to a common nervous disorder - fear of rejection or association with unpleasant events forces the sufferer of caliginephobia, its other name is venustraphobia , to stay away or run away with all legs from a beautiful girl, depending on the degree of the disease.
Alarming conditions
Venustraphobes are not at all hidden homosexuals or misogynists, although if you do not consult a specialist in time, it is quite possible that the disease will progress to the stage of anger and aggression, when a man begins to blame all the attractive representatives of the fair sex for his failures. Young people who have the following qualities are most at risk:
- lack of self-confidence and attractiveness;
- touchy, hot-tempered and suspicious character;
- dependent on the opinions of others;
- brought up in a poor or single-parent family.
But in the initial stage, they have nothing against women as individuals, they recognize their high intelligence and spiritual development, but they cannot communicate because they experience panic, trembling and lack of air, even when they are in the same room with a beautiful woman, in their opinion. .
This is a very important fact - a caliginephobe experiences panic attacks only in relation to someone whom he considers attractive, and everyone’s canons of beauty are different. Accordingly, not every bright appearance causes seizures.
Venustraphobes can be friends and communicate with ordinary and unremarkable girls without problems. Moreover, they can choose as a wife not their beloved, but a “gray mouse” that is safe for his psyche, at best respecting her, and at worst, seeking to take revenge on her for their fear.
Sources of danger
Unlike most phobias, the fear of beautiful women most often does not arise in childhood, although it is partly associated with it. Caliginephobe suffers painfully from a constant feeling of awkwardness; if there are attractive employees in the team at work, it is easier for him to quit than to overcome his fear. The most common causes of the disorder are:
- The roots of the problem, as a rule, come from adolescence, when a young man pays attention to bright and sexy girls, dreams about them and tries his hand at communication. When the object of his admiration responds with a sharp refusal or begins to mock his feelings, especially if this happens over a long period of time, the trauma he experienced leaves a strong impression that comes to life every time he meets another beauty. It symbolizes the pain of betrayal experienced by the young man.
- Beautiful doesn't always mean kind. If in childhood a boy had painful experiences associated with a beautiful woman, this trauma can develop into an unconscious reflex of panic when meeting a person with a similar appearance. This could include a rude teacher, a cruel teacher, a doctor who caused pain during treatment or who greatly frightened the child.
- A boy from a single-parent family, acutely experiencing separation from his father, who was taken away by a young charming woman, especially if the mother also emphasizes the topic of her rival’s appearance in the conversation, begins to consider beauty as evil. A similar reaction occurs if the mother leaves for another man. The boy subconsciously believes that a beautiful and bright woman will definitely leave and cause pain.
- Parents who instilled in a teenager that a girl with a charming appearance is necessarily stupid, vicious, incapable of love and only wants money and an apartment from him, can contribute to the development of caliginephobia in a young man with a labile psyche.
- Strict religious upbringing or life among people who consider a woman a source of sin and temptation lays the foundations for the disease.
A mild form of caliginephobia goes away after 20 years, and if this does not happen, then the help of a psychotherapist and psychologist is needed.
How to stop being afraid and start meeting girls
Guys often write in PM: “I’m afraid to meet girls.”
There are many tricks and exercises that helped me in the first place. I remember that excitement before approaching, before meeting a girl, I remember the inner uncertainty when it seems to you that everyone around you is just looking at you.
And the FEAR that she will say “no” or silently ignore. If you are too lazy to read the whole article, then spend a couple of minutes watching this video, then you will understand what fear is and how to overcome it:
I overcame all these fears. Maybe you've seen videos of my dating, approaches, dating reviews. I'm happy with myself. Everything came through knowledge, through experience, through practice.
To begin with, I suggest you find yourself a good partner so that you can START your practice.
You know, people tend to work in tandem with someone, because a partner can give you feedback, point out mistakes that you didn’t notice before: maybe you’re too close to the girl, or too harsh. Or maybe when meeting a girl, your non-verbal body is simply dying of fear, and it shows.
I advise you to read Alan Pease’s book “Body Language”.
That is, you must find yourself a friend who will support you and give feedback. Ideally, if he is leveled up in the topic “FEAR OF DATING”, etc., he can teach you something new. If not, then it’s okay, you will absorb information from the outside, go out and do exercises, helping each other.
But the pickup doesn't help
If you have a fear of meeting people or being approached, then under no circumstances go to a pickup truck! Never! The techniques that pick-up artists use are still very raw and undeveloped. If you're interested in learning more, check out "Why Isn't My Pickup Truck Working?" A pickup truck cannot remove the fear of a woman as such! But it can definitely make the problem worse.
The whole problem is that the guy who attends such trainings seriously thinks that he will be given a 100% working methodology, using which he will simply erase the old behavior model and replace it with a new one. In principle, everything sounds logical. But you need to understand one very tricky thing: the human psyche works holistically . She remembers a complete tackle. That is, the more you approach girls, overcoming fear, the more firmly the “approach = overcoming fear” model becomes established. That is, what is happening is not one model being overwritten by another, but an even greater twisting. And the more you approach through force, the more your old model of overcoming will become stronger in your psyche.
This happens because during the approach itself there is no psychological work to reduce the fear itself! The psyche uses the pattern: I’m afraid - I overcome fear - I come up to meet you. And this pattern becomes stronger and stronger each time.
Pick-up courses do not remove a girl’s fear itself! At best, negativity is simply temporarily suppressed. But after a while everything falls into place again.
How to remove fear from your head
Fear is inherent in us by nature, it is an instinct.
Don't be like him - act
Fear is designed to help a person survive without doing stupid things like jumping into the crocodiles' enclosure. FEAR is a biological process. It is difficult to remove it forever, but through practice you can come to the point where you will feel calm and confident when communicating with girls.
Exercises
Write down all your dating fears on a piece of paper. Colorful, realistic. Have you written? Now I need to write what will happen if you take a step and get acquainted.
Thus, we are prepared in advance for defeat, and our brain understands that even if we make an unsuccessful or completely disastrous approach, we will not die, but will simply experience a certain, not very pleasant, but not fatal state. For the exercise to be effective, these points need to be spelled out as clearly as possible.
I remember I had a student named Denis who wrote down all his fears in the smallest detail . And there were a lot of fears there. And what do you think? After he did this, a day passed, and he wrote to me: “Tim, thank you really! The fact that I wrote everything down helps me a lot. I accepted the refusals in advance and it became easier for me.” And there are many such examples.
You have to give yourself completely to it, do everything 100%, then you will get results. Remember, many read, but only a few do. Some do.
Uncertainty
When there is no practice, uncertainty goes through the roof. Why? Yes, because a person does not understand at all how to GET TO KNOW, why do exercises, why you need to behave this way. And much more.
Imagine that you are playing sports. Boxing, for example. The first week you will get used to it and walk silently, you will be quieter than water and lower than the grass, since this is something new for you. When you already have experience and practice, you open the door with your foot and behave like a king. Or like Conor McGregor.
If you watch the video below, you will notice how sometimes it is not easy to overcome all your fears, but it is possible. Just one moment, a fraction of a second, can decide everything. Just take the plunge, watch the video, go outside and do it
The same thing happens with our fears before dating and with our uncertainty: at first we mumble, nothing works out, but over time we learn what and how to do, how to approach, how to get acquainted, and we are already starting to do it much easier. I think you agree with me.
If you have written everything down and you have a desire to take your first steps today, then take it and do it. If you encounter a problem that you approach a girl, everything is fine, but communication does not work out, then return to the blog: I will leave an article “What and how to talk about with a girl” especially for you. Good luck to you!
How to overcome the fear of dating?
The actual treatment process follows a very simple, but time-consuming formula: To get rid of bad experiences in the past, you need a positive result, at least once, this will be more than enough!
But how can you achieve success in something where you have been plagued by failure for many years? The next time the opportunity presents itself, when the beautiful lady you already have your eye on appears again, you need to “turn off your brain”! It sounds crazy, but now you will understand everything!
When the same or similar situation is repeated, the event or several events that caused your panic complex and fear of opening your mouth, the brain automatically reproduces “unsuccessful takes” in the subconscious. It’s a self-preservation lever that you can’t get rid of, but you have to learn to control. You remember the past, which stops you in the present, again I will hear “No”, again they will not support me, like last time, they will laugh at me again, and so on.
“Turning off the brain” means not thinking about it, just forgetting and forgetting about what once was. Relax, this time everything is new. Another woman, another time and perhaps even a different you, just don’t think about the bad experiences. It sounds easy, of course, but in reality it is not enough.
Until you get it into your head that the new girl is a blank slate, nothing will help. On this sheet you have the opportunity to draw and portray yourself in any way you want, to do and say whatever you want, of course, this is a metaphor, but the essence is clear.
If you don’t stress yourself out too much, don’t think about your own, most often imaginary, complexes, then everything will go exactly as you imagine. For healing, one successful time is enough, and a long list of failures will fade into the background in comparison with the long-awaited success.
A woman can smell complexes, phobias, timidity of words, as well as bodies, from a kilometer away, remember this! To hear “Yes” from the desired lady, you will have to practice on your appearance, manner of speaking and behavior in society.
Fear of girls not only limits your communication, but also reinforces the false idea of personal inferiority. I don’t think it’s worth telling what consequences this might have. No need, they are afraid. You are not going to tame a wild animal that can tear you to shreds. And this is much more dangerous.
As soon as your spiritual world finds the correct and expedient direction, your body will no longer show signs of fear and uncertainty, since there will simply be no fear of women in you.
It all starts with the head, and while there is chaos and confusion in it, there is no point in playing sports in the hope of attracting attention with the body. Even an athletic physique and good looks will not give you confidence, since the reason for the “fear of approach” lies not in a physical defect , they say, you are too ugly for her, but deep in the subconscious.
Useful tips
- Think over the remark that you will say after the words of introduction. A well-thought-out beginning of a dialogue gives confidence and a state of peace.
- Give a mental countdown from 3 seconds . And then just take it and come over. The brain switches itself off after such a sharp shock and no longer burdens you with unnecessary doubts.
- Bet with a friend that you can meet a girl. You will either achieve your goal or lose respect for yourself, which is very unpleasant. You can also make a monetary bet for motivation, so that the desire to retreat from the goal will finally disappear, and victory will also bring money!
Additional techniques: how to tune yourself to the desired wavelength, from a professional pickup artist:
