Hello, writes Lyudmila Redkina. Have you ever had a situation when a person is crying next to you, and you stand and remain silent, like a sheep, not knowing what to say? I once tried to support a person when he was feeling very bad, but my own words seemed so empty and meaningless to me compared to his grief... Even psychologists don’t always say something when a person cries. Unfortunately, our friends have to deal with the loss of loved ones, jobs, large sums of money, failing exams and a host of other cases when nerves fail. And we, as caring people, have to say words of support. What to say and how to support a person in difficult times, we’ll talk about this in the article.
Words of support in difficult times
Let’s figure out what words to use to console friends and loved ones in grief. Let's start with the fact that if a person is sad, it is important to be appropriate, not to impose, but also to support. Now, pay attention! Support depends on two and a half factors. The first is what phase of grief the person is in. The second is what exactly the situation happened. And the other half is your upbringing.
Let's leave the phases to psychologists; they are the ones who are good at determining periods of experience and appropriate behavior at this moment. And we will look at phrases that can be said to a suffering person.
Death of a loved one
It is terribly difficult to lose loved ones, especially suddenly, especially small children, especially when you made every effort to keep them alive and hoped for the best. But life moves on and we need to support such people. What words are best to do this? How to express sympathy to your loved one regarding the loss of his relative?
- “It is difficult to express our sympathy for your loss in words. This was a real man/golden woman. His/her memory will be cherished forever.”
- “We express our sincere condolences and sympathize with the loss. Everlasting memory!"
- “He was a man with a capital M, let me take over the organization of the funeral?”
- “She was like a light in a window, I know that nothing can reduce your pain now, but let me take the children with me for a couple of days?!”
- “She was a wonderful wife, mother, grandmother. Her love will live long in our hearts. We will try to keep her memory alive with love for our children and grandchildren - she is a huge example of that!”
- “Your mother was a very cheerful, kind person. The world is truly empty without her. I know she wouldn't want you to kill yourself like that. Her love will always remain with you and in my memory. Be strong.”
- “A loved one does not die, but simply ceases to be around. He is with you in memory, in soul, in love, we will always remember him.”
And sometimes you just need to hug a loved one and cry together, cry. As psychology says, uncryed emotions later turn into health problems. You need to understand that in shock and suffering a person is slightly inadequate, so be guided by the fact that there should be little text and a lot of things to do, if they are appropriate.
If a person himself wants to talk to you about what happened, try to bring the conversation into the sphere of feelings. Ask what he feels, name these feelings: “you are sad, lonely”, “describe what you feel now”, “suffering does not last forever, unfortunately, losses are part of our lives that we experience.”
Betrayal of loved ones
Girls, more than guys, experience the loss of loved ones, that is, their betrayal. When she is already preparing a dress for the wedding, and he declares that he is marrying his friend. Or he quits without any explanation. This really hits the self-esteem of both the girl and the guy. Therefore, it is important for you to emphasize the importance and significance of a friend, his value and necessity, at least for you.
- “He, of course, is an asshole, but it was the right decision - now you won’t have to constantly make excuses to him” - here past positive moments are replaced by present ones, it is worth emphasizing that she benefits from breaking up with the guy.
- “Katya, I know how painful it is, he was very dear to you. But time heals everything, everything will pass. Let’s go to a cafe and eat some pie?” - here you need to distract from feelings of guilt, self-flagellation, grief about past relationships. But don't get carried away with the cakes!
- “Masha, your husband still didn’t understand what a treasure he had at his side. Well, it’s okay, at first it’s always hard to accept it, but you need to endure this time, soon you will look at him and think how I could grieve for him so much!” - emphasize the importance of your friend, that she was abandoned not because she is somehow different, but because it is the responsibility of another person.
- “Olka, in order to acquire something new, you need to get rid of the old, maybe you only gained from breaking up with such a person!” - such a phrase should be said some time after the breakup, otherwise you risk causing an aggressive reaction.
- “Dash, I know he was cool, but you had nothing to do with it. It happens, sometimes people break up, you need to cry and move on. You are not alone in your experiences, I am always there and you can call even in the middle of the night. By the way, let’s go get some new shoes?”
When a girl loses a guy, maybe she was wrong somewhere. But this is worth talking about after the acute phase of the experience.
Guys lose girls more often on their own initiative, but if this is not the case, watch both ways - there is a danger of great nonsense. Representatives of the stronger sex worry more acutely when they are abandoned. Therefore, here it is rather not necessary to make do with phrases, but with any kind of distraction. Up to burning the wood with a jigsaw.
Human disease
It is difficult to support a person who is sick. What can you, a healthy person, say to a person with stage 4 cancer? I had a situation when a close relative fell ill, and all sorts of consolations and condolences only irritated him. When pitiful comforters came to him on their feet, and he, lying down, had to listen to them.
Thank God, he recovered, but then he said that only one thing really consoled him - these were real facts that people recovered from his illness. So, it is important for sick people to hear encouraging and life-affirming words. I will give an example of several more or less successful phrases of support for a sick person:
- “You will be cured and everything will be fine. We are always with you and will do everything just to make you feel good.”
- “You are gold to us - I hope that very soon we will sit in the gazebo with a glass of wine and drink to your health! Gain strength, everything will pass soon.”
- “So, we don’t need nerves. You will definitely be cured. We are with you in prayers and on the phone. A lot of people wish you recovery and are sincerely worried about you.”
- “You are a fighter in life! And you will definitely overcome this disease! Together we will overcome any disease.”
- “If you believe, you will definitely recover! I really believe in this too.”
The main thing is to set a person up for positivity, no matter what the illness. From my own experience, I know that sometimes neither loved ones nor the patient have the strength. But don't despair, this will all pass. Try to surround the patient with care, attention and love - these are the best medicines.
When a person feels bad
Sometimes a person just feels bad, everything has accumulated, nothing works out - in general, everything is bad. It happens. If your friend is experiencing this, it is important for you to let him know that he is valuable to you. This can be done with the following phrases:
- “Know that I am always with you.”
- “What can I do to help you?” - this phrase has a psychotherapeutic effect, as a person thinks about what he would like now.
- “Listen, I like it about you...” - with this phrase you increase self-esteem and confidence in a person.
- “I also think that this is very unfair” - you are showing that you share the person’s emotions, and this is a sure way for him to pull himself together.
- “I can help you find a way out” - if necessary, involve relevant specialists.
- “I went through this too” - real stories will help a person concentrate less on his problems and see the immediate goal to which he can strive.
Inner rod
It is important to feel supported within yourself. Often in such cases they talk about the internal core. This is a kind of spiritual spine. Every victory, no matter how small, strengthens him. The time has come to remember such an experience. It’s a good idea to pay attention to your childhood years, when there was no prejudicial attitude towards yourself. Perhaps someone was able to solve a difficult problem. Or I thought about the essay for a long time, but in the end it was written with an A.
You can rewind the tape to earlier episodes. For example, someone in kindergarten read a poem at a matinee. Before this, I learned it for a long time, then repeated it countless times. And now - a well-deserved success: the audience clap. It makes sense to remember your feelings at that moment.
Internal support is greatly strengthened by victory over fear. Some people, even as adults, were nervous at the thought of visiting the dentist. But I still managed to overcome my fear. Everyone has their own memories, it is important to be able to pull them out of the recesses of memory.
Visual material
When there is not enough internal support, they sometimes talk about a unstuck state. This technique can help: find an expressive image of composure, when all elements are proportional and support each other. For example, a car, airplane or boat from a children's construction set. It would be nice to put something like this together yourself. Age doesn't matter.
“What is this? I, an adult lady, will suddenly assemble cars and airplanes from children's construction sets? This is undignified and frivolous.” It is quite possible that these or similar excuses will begin to arise within. But in this case the complex speaks. Solidity and seriousness will have to be put aside for a while. The only point: it is better to purchase a construction set for yourself, rather than borrow it from your children. They have their own tasks, adults have theirs.
So, now there is a lack of composure, and stability is failing. If you pour out the details of a construction set in front of you, it is very similar to your internal state at the moment. It is important to look carefully at this scattering. You can even take a photo of it. The task is to put together a harmonious composition from disparate elements.
Then we start assembling. When the toy is ready, it is easy to notice that all its components complement each other. Likewise, every aspect of human personality is equally important. Without parts there is no whole. If you place a beautiful toy next to a photograph of disparate parts, you will get a visual aid to finding composure and inner harmony.
Complexity and Opportunity
Sometimes the temptation to seek approval from other people is strong. Often this is an attempt to relieve oneself of some responsibility. However, there is self-deception lurking here. Only the person himself is responsible for his actions, and not the one who approved him. If you don’t think for yourself, it’s very difficult to overcome a crisis or just an everyday problem.
Many years ago in the popular program “What? Where? When?" a question was asked about two Chinese characters. One meant “danger”, the other meant “opportunity”. The essence of the question: what word forms their combination? The correct answer is “crisis”.
The interpretation is quite controversial, and there are attempts to refute it. However, it has a right to exist. Sometimes it’s not easy to consider new opportunities in the face of complexity. But it's worth learning.
The interpretation is quite controversial, and there are attempts to refute it. However, it has a right to exist. Sometimes it’s not easy to consider new opportunities in the face of complexity. But it's worth learning.
Tags: support, moral support, internal support, self-help, attitude towards oneself
