5 ways to get rid of the “good girl” syndrome


The reason for the development of the syndrome is a destructive family upbringing, in which the girl was constantly reproached and tried to remake her. Examples of phrases that destroy a child’s personality:

  • “Don’t scream, you’re a girl”;
  • “Be an obedient girl, mother’s pride”;
  • “Don’t argue, you’re a girl”;
  • “We need to think about studying, not about boys”;
  • “So what, if you don’t like it, you’ll put up with it and fall in love with it.”

Gradually, the girl gets used to being the way they want her to be, and not the way she really is. All this in order to earn recognition, love and praise from your mother. More than anything, a good girl is afraid of disappointing her mother, of being punished and rejected. The girl tries to be the best and first, ideal in everything. These fears are the root of many of a woman’s destructive beliefs.

Other causes of good girl syndrome:

  1. Biological predisposition. American psychologists have found that women are naturally more inclined to endure and wait. Men are guided by the “flight or fight” principle; female hormones expand the boundaries of behavior.
  2. Social stereotypes. There is still a strong belief in society that a woman should be obedient, meek, and patient. And the beauty industry also instills a sea of ​​complexes, forcing girls from an early age to strive for an imaginary ideal and to remake themselves.
  3. An example of a mother. The good girl syndrome is formed by the example of the spinelessness of the mother. If the mother was weak and weak-willed, subjected to the tyranny of her father, then the daughter will grow up to be a victim.
  4. Both parents are narcissists and tyrants. Such people do not know how to love and do not pay attention to other people's interests. They are trying to live their life again through the child, to create a better copy of themselves. This is a pathology, but the child does not understand this, and therefore continues to wait and hope, trying to earn love.

Why an adult “good child” is convenient for everyone, but not for himself

Parents tell the girl what to say and how to act. They make her comfortable. The habit of pleasing other people lasts a lifetime. At work, in her personal life, in relationships with friends, a good girl tries to be correct. For this, she sacrifices herself, renounces her interests, suppresses her feelings, emotions and needs.

A good girl is afraid to speak her mind. She doesn’t know how to refuse, can’t stand criticism and is afraid of being judged. A woman with good girl syndrome lives for others, pleases others, but at the same time remains dissatisfied herself. She constantly argues with herself, criticizes herself. Therefore, it turns out that such girls are convenient for everyone, but not for themselves.

Important! A good girl understands that her thinking is hindering her own development, but she cannot cope with it. This makes her hate herself even more.

Why is an adult “good child” convenient for everyone, but not for himself?

  • One of the main problems of many adult “good children” is that they are unhappy and always dissatisfied with themselves
    . This is logical for a situation when a person abandons his desires and feelings in favor of some imposed ideal. But in reality, firstly, the ideal is unattainable; secondly, it is almost impossible to please everyone around; thirdly, it is difficult to be happy when your feelings and emotions are completely or largely ignored. Some adult “good children” are so accustomed to not paying attention to them (and why, if no one listens to them since childhood?), that they themselves do not understand what they really want. The same trait is found in infantile individuals.
  • Because adult “good kids” constantly try but fail to please everyone around them, they feel guilty, stressed, and unnecessarily pressured
    . They themselves are partly to blame for this - because they only want to achieve ideal results. At the same time, it seems to our heroes that they are not doing everything quickly and/or efficiently enough, and not to the fullest extent.
  • even occur to such people to refuse someone
    , because “good boys/girls” do not refuse anyone.
    And because of this, sometimes they accumulate a huge number of cases
    . Moreover, many of them in reality could either not be done at all, or done with less time.
  • The problem is that such people do not achieve their ultimate goal
    - to earn love and good treatment.
    Often those around them begin to take advantage of the dependability of “good boys and girls”
    and get used to the fact that they always go along and do what they are told. This is taken for granted and can have a negative impact on our heroes.

There are other problems, of a relatively smaller scale:

  • Good boys and girls perceive any (even minor) mistakes as a tragedy
    - after all, the idealistic hero they look up to makes no mistakes.
  • They are hostile to any criticism
    : it is seen not as an opportunity to improve results, but as “proof” that the work was done incorrectly, imperfectly.
  • Good children, like infantile individuals, often have problems making decisions
    , especially if the issue does not fit well into their system of values ​​and moral guidelines.
  • The heroes of our story will not defend their point of view
    (after all, this may offend someone); they have difficulty standing up for themselves.
  • Many people don’t know how to take care of themselves
    or pamper themselves. All energy (and material resources) goes into caring for others and striving to please them.

Who's at risk

Children from authoritarian families are at risk. Or from families where one or both parents had some kind of disorder, such as narcissism. A lack of unconditional parental love, criticism and suppression is what leads to the formation of the good girl syndrome or the good boy syndrome.

1Increase your self-esteem

As a rule, every “good girl” suffers from low self-esteem, which stems from her reverent attitude towards other people’s opinions. You can fix this by doing it yourself. How to become an independent person in our time? Everything is very simple. Do what you want . Have you always dreamed of doing sports, for example, morning jogging? Go ahead, get busy. Are you tired of work and want something new? Quit your job and find something you like. The main thing is, before you take a decisive step, do not ask anyone for advice except yourself.


A woman with good girl syndrome tries to please everyone, to always be discreet and friendly. Moreover, this applies not only to friends and relatives, but also to random passers-by. If trouble happens, a conflict or misunderstanding arises, then the girl blames herself for everything. She considers herself unworthy and is sure that happiness, attention and love must be earned. She does not know how to do something for herself, to pamper herself, to please herself.

Other symptoms of good girl syndrome:

  • diffidence;
  • self-dislike;
  • denial of one's femininity and sexuality;
  • numerous fears;
  • dependence on other people's opinions, stereotypes, rules;
  • intolerance of criticism;
  • fear of offending someone;
  • tendency to justify others and blame oneself;
  • the habit of tolerating and waiting for an unpleasant situation or problem to resolve itself.

Note! A woman with good girl syndrome tolerates a lot and keeps silent. Sometimes this ends in failure, which makes the good girl hate herself even more.

4Learn to accept criticism

Experts are convinced that only that person can call himself mature who has learned to accept constructive criticism from others as “raw material” for his own future changes. Think about it. You are criticized not because you are a bad person, but because of a sincere desire to make you better and more successful. So is it worth worrying or shedding tears over this?

How to get rid of the good girl syndrome: my tips

To get rid of the good girl syndrome, it is important that the girl herself recognizes the problem and decides to seek help from psychology. It is necessary to realize that with her own hands she is depriving herself of freedom and choice. What to do? Stop being comfortable and good, take people off your neck and learn to live for yourself.

How to get rid of the good girl syndrome, advice from psychology:

  1. Increase self-esteem and develop a sense of self-worth. You will not become selfish if you learn to live for yourself, according to your desires and interests. This doesn't mean you should ignore other people's opinions, but you shouldn't always listen to them. If we are talking about something that concerns only you, on which your happiness and harmony depend, then you need to listen only to yourself.
  2. Cut the mental umbilical cord with your parents. You don't have to live to please them, make their dreams come true, or be their source of pride. If they are not ready to let go of their child, then this is their problem and trauma. Healthy people understand that each person's life and path are unique, and only he can decide what he wants to be.
  3. Avoid grading. You are not good or bad, you are you. Your parents have taught you that you are not worthy of love just like that. But in fact, every person is beautiful and worthy of happiness. Get to know yourself, take psychological tests to determine your personality type and temperament, write down your desires (remember what you once dreamed of before you were convinced that it was bad), study your abilities.
  4. Pay attention to yourself every day, fulfill your desires and take care of yourself, give compliments and praise yourself. Stop expecting this from your parents or other people, they are incapable of this. Start setting aside time for yourself with 10 minutes a day, gradually increasing the interval. Think about what you want to do right now and what you want to do in life in general.
  5. Learn to accept your mistakes and see them as opportunities for growth. Instead of blaming yourself and going into self-flagellation, think about what you need to do differently to get a different result. And try it again.
  6. Learn to express your emotions, especially negative ones. This does not mean that you need to shout or insult someone. Just talk through what and why you are experiencing, what you don’t like, what you want. Use the technique of I-statements, they are built according to the following scheme: “I feel this, when this happens, I would like this.” For example: “I feel lonely and unnecessary when I am alone at home on the weekend, I would like to spend more time together. It's important for me. Please, let's figure out how to fix this."
  7. Learn to say no, take more risks, and set more boundaries. It's only hard the first couple of times. Whenever you are in doubt about what to do, ask yourself: “Is this in my interests, consistent with my goals, will it help me in the future?” If not, then feel free to refuse. People around them love to “ride” good girls. Yes, you will face negativity. But this will show who is next to you: friends or those who are used to using you.
  8. Don't give in to guilt and fears. You can't argue with your boss because you're afraid of losing your job. You can't argue with your lover or friend because you're afraid of being alone. But look at other people. They refuse, object, defend their opinion and still have everything they need to be happy. You can do this too. By practicing all the above tips, you will become more and more beautiful every day.

3Don’t hold back negative emotions

This strategy will only lead you to depression and various diseases. Therefore, learn to throw out aggression, and not accumulate it inside yourself, putting your mental and physical health at risk. How to do it? Get creative, where you can express your anger in artistic form, or go out into nature more often, because there you can scream at trees and stones to your heart’s content, and no one will ever know about it.

But the best solution is to learn to express your negativity directly. Has a person upset you? Tell him about it directly, but in a calm tone and without falling into hysterics. You will immediately feel relief, and the offender will avoid provoking your patience in the future.

Difficulty saying "No"

If you are a Good Girl, then how can you refuse a colleague who asks for help with a report or other duties exclusively for him? You don’t have children at home waiting for you, so you can spend a couple of hours working overtime and helping.

And a colleague will receive a bonus for their work. But this doesn’t matter to you, you are so good that the opportunity to help makes you happy.

What to do? Start saying at least small “no” when you want it. Be careful to pause for a couple of seconds before rushing to say “yes” as you usually do. Over time, you will learn to say “no” more often and become convinced that it is absolutely normal to say “no” (and yes, the world will not collapse if you do it).

Ways to combat the complex

First of all, a woman needs to realize that she has a problem. It is very important to get rid of the need to be good and the desire to please everyone. Start following the instructions:

  1. Understand that you are worthy of love and respect and you can only be loved for what you are, and not look for a reason to love you, learn to accept love.
  2. Increasing self-esteem is an effective way to combat the “good girl” complex. Start working on yourself and you will realize that you don’t need the approval of others.
  3. A woman who knows her worth cannot, in principle, suffer from the “good girl” syndrome. This is a woman who values ​​her inner world and desires, lives by her inner feelings. Conclusion - start valuing yourself.
  4. Learn to say “no” if you don’t want something, learn to defend your interests and desires.
  5. Learn to calmly accept criticism addressed to you and admit your mistakes.
  6. You won't be nice to everyone. Don't try to please everyone, try to please yourself.
  7. Learn to listen to your desires, understand what you want, and not what the voice of conscience imposes on you.
  8. Feel free. Live for yourself.

Psychological solution to the problem

The syndrome may manifest itself as obedience

Knowledge of system-vector psychology will help in solving the problem. In it, human psychology is represented by eight vectors:

  • anal;
  • urethral;
  • skin;
  • muscular;
  • visual;
  • sound;
  • oral;
  • olfactory.

Being obedient is a manifestation of the psychological feature of the anal vector. People try their best to be obedient in order to receive praise from others. Visual people are very impressionable and love to attract attention. The combination of these two vectors “gives birth” to people who have a pronounced “good girl/boy” complex. When raising children with this vector, parents must understand that an obedient child does not need to be taught to obey, he knows how and loves to do it.

The main thing is that obedience does not develop into an uncontrollable desire to please - into the “good girl” and “good boy” syndrome.

This can lead to the child becoming an easy victim of any kind of manipulation.


To get rid of a problem, you need to recognize its presence. If you are not satisfied with your image, you are tired of being afraid of the opinions of others, your kindness is constantly taken advantage of - the following points are for you.

  1. Listen to yourself and your body. If you want to do something, but “good girls” don’t do it, forget this rule. From now on you have the power to do whatever your heart desires.
  2. Review your wardrobe. Chances are, you don't even like most of your clothes: they're gray, modest, and don't attract attention. Buy what you want.
  3. Don't be afraid to make a mistake. All people can make mistakes from time to time, no one is perfect. No one will scold you anymore because of your mistakes.
  4. Don't hold grudges to yourself. Any good girl is famous for keeping all her grievances inside. Give free rein to your emotions and feel how wonderful it is to live without the burden of grievances on your shoulders.
  5. Get rid of the savior syndrome. Don't let people take advantage of you. Learn to say no. Help only if it doesn't bother you.
  6. If self-analysis does not help, consult a psychotherapist.

A good girl's wardrobe contains dull and unattractive things

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