What is gaslighting: 7 main signs, examples

What is gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse, the purpose of which is to make another person doubt the correctness and adequacy of his opinions and judgments by deliberately distorting information. With methodical and targeted influence, the gaslighter very soon achieves what he wants, and the victim really begins to doubt the correctness of his point of view, his abilities, loses faith in himself and in the reality of what is happening, begins to consider himself worthless and good for nothing.

The main goal of gaslighting is the intention to shake a person’s belief that he adequately perceives reality. The manipulator seeks to cast doubt on the authenticity of the victim’s memories of specific events and actions, to make her appear mentally unhealthy, overly sensitive, to destroy her self-confidence and to completely subordinate her to his control. For the victim of gaslighting, such actions pose a serious threat. The devastating effects of gaslighting do not appear immediately. The aggressor will need time to influence the victim through repeated and targeted influences.

A person who, when communicating with someone, resorts to manipulation, humiliation, and seeks to control another person is called an abuser. This model of behavior is realized, as a rule, in unhealthy relationships, where the manipulator tries to suppress the will of the victim and subjugate it to himself. As a result, the victim ceases to realize that such an attitude towards her is abnormal, experiences a feeling of guilt and even seeks to justify the actions of the abuser.

Examples from life

According to psychologists, women are most often victims of gaslighting. And among manipulators, men predominate. Gaslighting doesn't just happen in partnerships. Manipulators can also be found among friends, colleagues, close relatives, and managers.

To better understand the phenomenon of gaslighting, let's look at it using real-life examples.

1. The husband cheats on his wife. She guesses about it or knows for sure. But he categorically denies this. He reproaches her for not trusting him. She says that she invented everything for herself. And the woman begins to doubt her beliefs and thoughts about her husband’s infidelity. Starts to feel guilty.
2. Your boss constantly scolds you for not doing your tasks well because you misunderstand his orders. Moreover, this happens even when you are confident in yourself as a result of your work and know that you have not messed up anywhere.
3. The father or mother denies abusing the child. Often blaming him for what happened. The parent angrily asserts: “Nobody hit you! It's your fault! I brought my father to heel, and that’s what I got!”

These are just a few examples of gaslighting that occur in life.

People who deliberately use gaslighting are:

• malignant narcissists;
• sociopaths;
• psychopaths.

Moreover, their arsenal is quite impressive.

How does gaslighting manifest itself?

The gaslighter subtly plays on the victim’s feelings and skillfully chooses action tactics. There are no shouts, threats or angry statements in his arsenal; on the contrary, he will convey all his arguments in a calm, condescending tone and in restrained expressions.

The manipulator seeks to gently convey to the victim that in fact, everything is not as she imagines, that she is confused and has made erroneous conclusions. At the same time, the gaslighter will make it clear that his actions do not carry malicious intent, that they are dictated exclusively by good intentions, concern, and a desire to show care and help. As a result, after some time the victim really begins to think that she is mistaken and they don’t want to do anything bad to her, but on the contrary, they want to help her cope with the current situation.

A typical victim of a gaslighter is an insecure person with a weak psyche and excessive gullibility. Most often the victims are women.

Gaslighting can affect any area of ​​human interaction: family, work, relationships. The gaslighter is usually a person with whom the victim spends a lot of time - this could be a husband, best friend, parents, colleagues at work. Often, in an attempt to teach children obedience, parents resort to gaslighting, considering manipulation the best alternative to any kind of punishment.

Why does the victim of gaslighting stay with the abuser?

Because in addition to moral pressure, the gaslighter provides her with all sorts of benefits. Usually he makes a good career and has sufficient material resources. He is higher on the social ladder than his victim. Why does his wife allow herself to be treated this way? The most amazing thing is that sometimes she even thinks that she is very lucky. After all, such a dissolute woman has a husband, a house and children. The gaslighter's friends, who are more like colleagues, also consider him a successful and purposeful person. Perhaps even worthy of emulation. After all, outwardly everything is going very well for him. Sometimes even relatives do not suspect what is happening inside such a family.

This web is beautiful until you get caught in it

In fact, a gaslighter is a deeply insecure and complex person. Who suffers from narcissistic and psychopathic disorders. A very conventional border may separate him from the possible commission of a crime.

A woman is more defenseless against psychological violence if she grew up in a dysfunctional family with no men in it. The gaslighter understands perfectly well that there is no one to stand up for her, she has neither a father nor a brother. After all, in fact, he is very cowardly.

How to spot a gaslighter: 7 signs

People who resort to gaslighting are mentally ill. They seek to suppress another person in order to assert themselves at his expense. Their main task is to mentally devastate the victim so that she cannot resist. Attempts to resist psychological violence take a lot of energy; as a result, the victim uses all resources to maintain contact with reality and is no longer able to interrupt communication with the gaslighter.

Recognizing a gaslighter is not difficult if you know a number of key signs. Let's look at each of them in more detail.

Convinces that something is wrong with you

For example, he may say: “Your head is not right! You need to get treatment." In fact, this phrase means that a person notices something that he should not. Therefore, the gaslighter tries to convince the victim of her insanity, to make her feel helpless so that he can continue his psychological terror.

Often the gaslighter tries to involve the victim in a conflict in public, in order to arouse her emotions and thus obtain witnesses to her “inappropriate” behavior.

Uses offense as defense

An example would be the phrase: “I’m not cheating! You are jealous because you have low self-esteem." The gaslighter feels pleasure when the victim doubts his beauty, intelligence and attractiveness. He enjoys seeing her lose her confidence. Comparing your woman with others, letting her know that she is far from ideal and is not worthy of a man like him is typical behavior of a gaslighter.

Men with narcissistic disorder love to have affairs. In this way, they gain power over their victims, deliberately make them feel jealous, and thereby achieve complete control over their partner.

When trying to convict the faithful of treason, the victim will be accused of jealousy without reason, paranoia, inadequacy and lack of self-confidence. This reaction allows the gaslighter to deflect suspicion from himself and continue to harass his partner. If the gaslighter is presented with irrefutable evidence of his infidelity, he will turn on a defensive reaction, become aggressive and withdraw into himself.

Questions the adequacy of your reaction

Expressing emotions is completely normal, but a gaslighter knows how to use it to their advantage. "You're overreacting!" - this is precisely the phrase that is the most common tool of a gaslighter.

The gaslighter seeks to convince the victim that her reaction to something is inadequate, accusing her of being overly emotional. This happens because the gaslighter himself is insensitive, he is indifferent to other people’s experiences, he only experiences pleasure from humiliating the victim, fueled by his negative emotions.

Tries to turn offensive things into jokes

An excellent example of what gaslighting is is caustic and unpleasant jokes that can greatly offend the victim. The purpose of such jokes is not to amuse, but to offend and humiliate. He mocks the victim, gives her offensive nicknames, thereby expressing disrespect. At the same time, he convinces his opponent that he does not understand humor and the problem is in him, and not in the inappropriateness of the joke.

Gaslighters often behave this way at the beginning of a relationship. If you realize that your partner’s jokes do not amuse you, but offend you, don’t tolerate it, it definitely won’t get better.

Avoids talking about his behavior

The gaslighter seeks to suppress any attempt to discuss his misdeeds. When you try to discuss something, he will say: “Leave it in the past. I don't want to bring this up again." Most likely, he will begin to convince the victim that now everything will definitely be different and nothing bad will happen again.

The gaslighter will not give the victim the opportunity to realize that this has happened before, and the situation will not change. Thus, the victim finds himself involved in an emotional swing, where today the gaslighter is a loving family man, and tomorrow he is an aggressive manipulator. This cycle will repeat until the victim is hooked by the aggressor, unable to understand what is really going on.

Convinces that you are the source of all problems

A gaslighter will never admit his guilt in anything and will not allow him to be caught in the wrong. On the contrary, he will try to shift responsibility for his actions onto the people around him, making them feel guilty for non-existent sins. “The problem is you, not me!” - the characteristic position of a gaslighter.

Gaslighters always try to strike first, without giving the victim the opportunity to realize the essence of what is happening. Thus, the victim will be forced to adapt to the behavior of the gaslighter, predict his attacks in advance, but the aggressor will always be a couple of steps ahead, and the victim will be the loser.

Questions the authenticity of memories

Gaslighters are extremely cruel people who tend to mislead the victim, making him doubt his adequacy and the reality of what is happening. For example, this may manifest itself in the phrase: “Don't make things up! It’s impossible that I ever said that!”

The gaslighter will insist that the victim is making things up that didn’t happen, imposing his own vision of the situation on her, even though the blame lies entirely with him. Over time, the victim begins to doubt his mental health and loses control over the situation.

Break off the relationship

Of course, many people understand how to get rid of abusive relationships - break them off. It is difficult to accept this, many victims stay close to the manipulator. Some people understand this, others don’t, but there are always some reasons. If you decide to fight gaslighting, then be prepared to leave the person. Of course, everything depends on the area. For example, if you are happy with everything at work, except for the abusive manager, then it makes sense to be patient and adapt. But if this is an interpersonal relationship, then you should be prepared to break up if the situation starts to get out of control.

The hardest thing is when the abuser is a member of your family. On the one hand, you love the person, but on the other hand, you understand that the relationship is difficult. In such situations, it is important to ignore all comments and remember your feelings, needs and desires. You must remember that in order to change something, you not only need to want it yourself. The abuser must also want to change. Start with yourself first. Try to develop some other model of behavior, perhaps you will be able to find a compromise when communicating with this family member. Ideally, it is better to talk to him, but it is rare for gaslighters to see the problem in themselves. Therefore, such conversations will not lead to anything good.

How to resist gaslighting?

If you realize that you are a victim of gaslighting, take care of your emotional well-being and mental health first. Do not under any circumstances try to re-educate a gaslighter - it is useless.

Here are some important tips to help you deal with such a person:

• Trust only irrefutable facts, your feelings and beliefs, do not fall for the tricks and arguments of the manipulator. Your strong belief that you are right will prevent the gaslighter from gaining control over you.
• In a controversial situation, do not try to convince your opponent. Indicate that you have your own opinion regarding the current situation and you do not intend to deviate from it. Make it clear that you trust your feelings and memory.
• Directly tell the aggressor that you will not allow yourself to be offended and blamed without reason. This will give you strength and self-confidence.
• Let the gaslighter know that his tactics are clear to you, clearly define your boundaries and communicate what behavior is unacceptable to you, or stop communicating with him.
• If the manipulator tries to avoid discussing a problem that worries you, try to insist and argue that now is the best time to do this. If the interlocutor does not react, leave the situation and end the conversation.
• When a manipulator attacks you, do not engage in confrontation, give yourself time to think and restore your moral strength, and distance yourself from communication with him. If you feel that you can’t handle it, don’t enter into dialogue, try to stay with your opinion and not waste your energy.
• If a person does not respond to your arguments and continues to gaslight you, completely stop communicating with him.

An excellent way to develop your communication skills with people prone to gaslighting (as well as other unpleasant personality types) is the Emotional Intelligence course from Vikium. It consists of 20 lessons and is designed to develop skills for effectively interacting with people. This course will help you:

• resolve conflicts effectively;
• maintain equanimity in difficult situations;
• notice signs of deception during dialogues;
• learn to manage your emotions;
• increase self-confidence;

Emotional intelligence is the skill of identifying, understanding and managing your emotions, as well as recognizing the emotions of others.

After training you will be able to:

• detect lies at work and in your personal life;
• see empathy and the manifestation of hidden emotions;
• “read” the interlocutor;
• do not show your emotions;
• see manipulation;
• establish personal relationships;

The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev. He is the director of Paul Ekman International in Russia. Paul Ekman is a world expert in the psychology of emotions, deception detection and nonverbal behavior.

Methods of protection

One of the methods of protection has already been described above - inflexibility. Let's look at how to resist gaslighting in the event that it is not possible to break off the relationship and resolve everything peacefully.

Let's return to the same inflexibility. If you remember what you remember, then don't question it. Your main defense is resilience and defiance. There is no need to obey the phrases: “This is not true.” Your opinion must be unshakable. Don't be fooled. Then you will become a difficult person for the abuser.

And now about the deception. Considering that this is gaslighting in psychology (the definition at the beginning of the article), it is worth noting an important feature of such manipulation. The point is that a person is trying to influence you. And he is not trustworthy. No matter how much you want to, question every word he says. Gaslighters will try to convince you of what they need, even if they are the ones in the wrong in the situation. You will never hear from such a person: “Sorry, I was wrong.” Don't waste time convincing by giving reasons. For such people there is no logic, objectivity or rationality. After all, the abuser wants to make you look like a fool. Don't waste your nerves on meaningless arguments that you can't win.

Never hope that a person will change and be better. After all, when we say that this is “gaslighting,” we must understand that this is an abnormal phenomenon that is difficult to eradicate. One of the reasons why some women endure violence is that they think that their partner will definitely change after today's beating or moral pressure. But forget about it! A gaslighter will never step into your shoes and think about how you feel. He didn't care and won't care.

Distance yourself from any comments the gaslighter makes to you. This is not easy, because in many provocative situations you want to protect yourself. But over time you adapt, it will become easier for you to hold back. Remember every time that a person is not able to think clearly and clearly. Remember that you are a rational person who trusts yourself first. It is important to learn to distinguish between the real world and the claims of a gaslighter. We don’t always have a chance to completely close ourselves off or leave a person. So you need to find a balance. You must learn to recognize manipulation and switch off during it. Don't fall for the abuser's tricks.

How did the term come about?

To understand why this particular term was chosen to describe the phenomenon we are considering, we need to understand its origin.

In 1938, Patrick Hamilton wrote the play "Gaslight", which served as the basis for the film of the same name, released in 1944. According to the plot, the main character marries a young girl for the selfish purpose of stealing her family jewels. To achieve what he wants, a man tries in various ways to drive his wife to madness.

Unbeknownst to his wife, he hides and rearranges objects in the house, while looking for jewelry. The man conducted his search in the attic, turning on the gas light there, which caused the lighting in all other rooms of the house to become dimmer. The girl notices all these oddities, which she reports to her husband. However, her husband convinces her that everything noticed is nothing more than a figment of the imagination and in fact nothing unusual is happening in the house. Gradually, the girl begins to think that she is going crazy, and her husband practically gets his way. This story is a clear illustration of what gaslighting is, and it is what gave its name to the term of the same name.

Manipulation: what it is and types of application

Manipulation itself is one of the ways one person influences another, either through words or through actions. Her goal is simple - to benefit from communication through gaining control over the behavior and feelings of another person. In the process of manipulation there are always two participants: the manipulator and the recipient of the influence. Depending on who the recipient of the influence is, the manipulator can predict the outcome and, accordingly, choose exactly those actions that can give the desired result. It is clear that the addressee is not informed about the attempts being made to interfere with his personality. Therefore, we can safely say about manipulations that they fundamentally demonstrate a disdainful attitude towards the psychological “superstructure” of one person over another. They are found everywhere: at work, in the family, in couples. They often have demoralizing consequences for the recipient of the influence: here everything depends on the techniques that the manipulator uses. To what extent do these techniques pull the rug out from under your feet, do they distort the perception of reality, etc.

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It happens that a person is clearly aware of his manipulative actions from the starting point to the desired final result (this type is found in business communication), and it also happens that a person is vaguely aware of the final goal and meaning of the action (typical of interpersonal relationships, everyday situations). Manipulations can be divided into communication - verbal, for example, in negotiations, discussions, and behavioral - when the manipulator tries to control the consciousness of the addressee through actions, staged situations. The theory has been briefly discussed, let's move on to the types!