How to manage conflict? 5 Types of Conflict Personalities

What is conflict

There is an idea that conflict is always a negative phenomenon, and the organizations or individuals in which it arises suffer from poor management or self-control, but in fact, many use conflict for their own purposes and thereby try to benefit themselves.

Conflict is a lack of agreement between two or more parties when each party tries to get its point of view or goal accepted and prevents the other party from doing the same.

• A type of social interaction aimed at resolving contradictions;
• Contradictions arise as a result of a clash of different (multidirectional) interests.

The conflict consists of two elements:

1. The subject of the conflict is objectively existing or imaginary interests that serve the main conflict. This is a contradiction, because of which and for the sake of resolving which the parties enter into confrontation.
2. Conflict actions - This is the form and content of interaction between interlocutors, their actions to resolve the conflict, aimed at preventing the opposite party from achieving its goals.

Types of correction and conflict management mechanisms

Conflict resolution is a joint activity of its participants aimed at ending opposition and solving the problem that led to the conflict. Conflict resolution involves the activity of both parties to transform the conditions in which they interact, to eliminate the causes of the conflict.

To resolve the conflict, it is necessary to change the parties themselves (or at least one of them), their positions that they defended in the conflict. Often the resolution of a conflict is based on changing the attitude of opponents towards its object or towards each other.

Conflict resolution does not necessarily follow the incident. The conflict can be resolved at any stage, and it may not come to conflicting actions. This occurs due to the fact that the duration of any stage of the conflict is uncertain and some stages may be dropped. The conflict may remain unresolved, or may remain at the stage of a conflict situation, i.e. the conflict will not arise, you can leave the conflict immediately after realizing it, leaving it unresolved.

There are several stages of conflict resolution:

1) identification of the actual participants in the conflict situation;

2) identification of motives, goals, abilities, character traits, professional competence of the participants in the conflict;

3) study of the interpersonal relations of the conflict participants that existed before the conflict situation;

4) determining the true cause of the conflict;

5) studying the intentions and ideas of the conflicting parties about ways to resolve the conflict;

6) identifying the attitudes towards the conflict of persons who are not involved in the conflict situation, but are interested in its positive resolution;

7) identification and application of methods for resolving a conflict situation that would be adequate to the nature of its causes, would take into account the characteristics of the persons involved in the conflict, would be constructive in nature, would correspond to the goals of improving interpersonal relationships and would contribute to the development of the team.

Conflict resolution differs from its resolution in that a third party takes part in eliminating the contradiction between its parties. Its participation is possible both with and without the consent of the warring parties. To resolve a conflict, it is necessary, first of all, to analyze the conflict situation, and then take the necessary actions:

a) find out the reasons, not the reasons for the conflict;

b) identify conflict zones, i.e. the involvement of certain forces (it is necessary to distinguish between the business sides of the conflict and the interpersonal sides);

c) find out the motives of people entering into conflict (motivations and explanations of reasons may not coincide with the true state of affairs, and the inability to find out motives leads to the impossibility of resolving the conflict);

d) impartiality is required when analyzing conflict situations.

Conflict resolution involves: increasing openness and mutual trust of the conflicting parties; establishing their direct contacts with each other; organizing an open, unbiased discussion and joint analysis of the current situation, or (as a last resort) stopping all contacts of opponents with each other; influence on conflicting parties in the interests of conflict resolution.

Decay of conflict -

This is a temporary cessation of opposition while maintaining the main signs of the conflict and tense relations between its participants. The conflict moves from an “overt” form to a hidden one.

The fading of the conflict usually occurs as a result of: depletion of the resources of both sides necessary for the fight; loss of motive to fight, reduction in the importance of the object of the conflict; reorientation of the motivation of the parties (the emergence of new problems that are more significant than the struggle in the conflict).

Under conflict resolution

is understood as such an impact on it, as a result of which the main structural elements of the conflict are eliminated. Despite the “unconstructiveness” of elimination, there are situations that require quick and decisive influence on the conflict (threat of violence, loss of life, lack of time or material capabilities).

Evolving into another conflict

happens when a new, more significant contradiction arises in the relations of the parties and the object of the conflict changes.

Criteria

constructive resolution of the conflict are the degree to which the contradiction underlying the conflict is resolved and the victory of the right opponent in it.

It is important that when resolving a conflict, a solution is found to the problem that caused it. The more completely the contradiction is resolved, the greater the chances for normalization of relations between the participants, the less likely it is for the conflict to escalate into a new confrontation.

Managing pedagogical conflicts involves resolving, resolving, or even initiating some conflict to achieve the goals of the educational process. Properly organized management is aimed at reducing the destructive and enhancing the constructive consequences of conflict.

In the educational process, both the teacher and the student can take on the burden of managing conflict interaction, based on two basic principles for the constructive completion of a pedagogical conflict:

1) exclude violence as a possible way to overcome the conflict;

2) conflict resolution should contribute to the personal growth of each of its participants.

The psychological basis of conflict resolution lies in the fact that conflict resolution should contribute to the personal growth of each of its participants. Among the methods of managing pedagogical conflicts are:

— methods of situation analysis (cartography of conflict, method of asking questions to an expert, method of creative visualization);

— methods for predicting possible results and choosing an interaction strategy (“brainstorming”, pie chart, NAOS);

- methods of convincing those in conflict of common goals, mutual benefits of teamwork;

— method of dividing the object of the dispute, clarifying the boundaries of authority and responsibility;

- a method for eliminating the deficiency of the conflict object;

— methods of organizing the negotiation process, mediation;

— methods of monitoring the implementation of the agreement.

Conflict functions

Where do conflicts come from?

There are only two reasons for conflicts:

Objective factors:

• Conflict of interests – Lack of time, limited resources, opposing goals;
• Action of third parties;
• Lack of information.

Subjective factors:

• Personal relationships – One-sided or mutual hostility, mistrust.
• Unfounded suspicions;
• Gossip.

Categories of conflicts

Conflicts can be external and internal. We consider external disagreements to be those that occur outside of your work or personality. But internal ones are the opposite. See the picture below.

What actions can lead to conflict

The causes of conflicts are as numerous as the conflicts. The main causes of conflicts in organizations are as follows:

1. Limited resources distributed in the organization. As you know, resources in any economic system are limited, but people’s needs have no limitations. Therefore, even the largest and richest organizations always experience a shortage of resources. The need to distribute them inevitably leads to conflicts. People want to get more and more and are looking for ways to satisfy their own needs that seem quite reasonable to them. What is an obstacle to accessing resources will be a cause of conflict for them.

2. Task interdependence. Potential for conflict exists wherever people depend on each other to perform common tasks. In organizations, line and staff personnel are closely interconnected. Failure to satisfy mutual demands leads to conflicts.

3. Differences in goals. The likelihood of conflicts of this kind increases as the organization increases and specialized units are allocated. For example, the newly created “Marketing Department” at the enterprise has the goal of ensuring the organization receives as large a volume of orders as possible with the prospect of selling products on the most favorable terms. Production divisions have their own goal - to produce products that do not require the introduction of new technologies, retraining of personnel, etc. Top management has their own goals - to update the order portfolio and spend less on innovations. Individual employees of an organization often pursue their own goals that differ from the goals of others.

4. Differences in views and ideas. Managers and executives may have different views on ways and means of achieving common goals, even in the absence of conflicting interests. Everyone defends their point of view, considering it the only correct one, and can take their opponent for an enemy.

5. Poor communications. Conflicts in an organization are often associated with inaccurate and incomplete transmission of information or the lack of necessary information or its incorrect interpretation. For this reason, it is very difficult to manage conflict.

6. Frustrated hopes. Promises made to people are not kept.

7. Differences in the psychological characteristics of people. An important cause of conflicts may be differences in temperament, character, needs, motives and other psychological characteristics of people. These differences are especially often the causes of interpersonal conflicts. Sometimes there are people who constantly show aggressiveness, hostility, and negatively perceive what they are told about. They constantly either “attack” or “defend”, challenging every word without delving into the meaning of what their opponent said.

Conflict triggers are words, actions (or inactions) that can lead to conflict. The incitement of conflicts is facilitated by the escalation of conflictogens, when a person tries to respond to any conflictogen addressed to a person with a stronger conflictogen in order to teach the offender a stronger, more painful lesson.

Classification of conflict agents

Striving for Excellence:

• Direct manifestations of superiority (orders, threats, criticism, accusations, ridicule, sarcasm);
• Condescending attitude;
• Categorical;
• Imposing your advice;
• Interrupting your interlocutor.

Manifestation of selfishness:

• Deception or attempted deception;
• Shifting responsibility to another person;
• Withholding information to “control the situation.”

Violation of ethics rules:

• Neglect of responsibilities;
• Insubordination.

Rules for eliminating conflictogens:

• A critical attitude towards yourself and your actions;
• Tolerance for the actions and words of opponents;
• Trust in the interlocutor (if there are no objective reasons for mistrust)

Functions of conflict management in an organization

It is important to timely and accurately identify the true causes of conflict situations. It is important that this conflict does not develop into personal hostility.

Effective conflict management in an organization involves cooperation between conflicting parties. Conflict management in an organization at different stages can be presented in the form of the following table.

Conflict forecasting is one of the most important functions of conflict management. Focused on identifying the causes of conflicts and assessing the situation in the team.

This function includes the study of objective and subjective conditions. Contains factors of interaction between people. Their individual psychological characteristics, as well as possible changes in the production and organizational structure of the organization.

Conflict prevention is also based on their prediction. Actions based on neutralizing the factors causing the conflict are used.

Thus, any leader is interested in ensuring that the conflict is resolved quickly. Since its consequences can entail considerable moral or material damage.

With an experienced leader, conflicts can become a means of managing people, groups and improving the level of the organization.

What elements does a conflict consist of?

Structure of the conflict

Dynamics of conflict and periods of development

In simple words, conflict arises from the existing complex situation, to which conflict agents are involved.

The following periods of conflict are observed:

1. Latent - Fear or understanding, or maybe just imagination, that interests are violated, infringed or ignored by the other party or parties.
2. The stage of open conflict (Conflict Escalation) is an escalation of confrontation, in which each subsequent destructive impact of opponents on each other is more intense than the previous one.
3. Post-conflict situation – Instrumental trust – reliability in fulfilling obligations that take into account the interests of the opposing party, based on guarantees secured by sanctions. Personal trust - the absence of doubts about the reliability of the behavior of another participant in a situation of uncertainty

Technologies for working with conflicts

Conflict management algorithm

Search for solutions:

• Establishing common goals for conflicting parties;
• Providing information that may not have been available previously;
• Reducing emotional stress;
• Involvement of third parties in the search for a solution;
• Proposing solutions to each party.

Selecting the optimal solution:

• Estimation of required time;
• Assessment of possible results;
• Assessing the level of relationships.

Perception of the conflict situation

The problem of images (information models) of a conflict situation available to each of the participating parties began to be considered in conflictology relatively recently, since the late 60s. The image of a conflict situation is understood as a subjective picture of a given situation that develops in the psyche of each participant. It includes:

• opponents’ idea of ​​themselves (their goals, motives, Values, capabilities, etc.);
• about the opposing side (its Goals, motives, values, capabilities, etc.);
• each participant about how the other perceives him; about the environment in which specific relationships develop.

It is the ideal pictures of the conflict, and not the reality itself, that determine the behavior of the parties. As noted by N.V. Grishin, a person not only reacts to a situation, but “defines” it, while simultaneously “defining” himself in this situation, and thereby he creates, “constructs” a conflict situation. The degree to which the image of a conflict situation corresponds to reality may vary. Based on this, four cases are distinguished:

1. The conflict situation objectively exists, but is not realized or perceived by the participants. There is no conflict as a socio-psychological phenomenon.
2. An objective conflict situation exists and the parties perceive the situation as a conflict, but with certain significant deviations from reality (the case of an inadequately perceived conflict).
3. There is no objective conflict situation, but nevertheless, the relations of the parties are mistakenly perceived by them as conflicting (a case of false conflict).
4. The conflict situation objectively exists and, according to its key characteristics, is adequately perceived by the participants. Such a case can be called an adequately perceived conflict.

Factors of distortion of perception in a conflict situation:

• The influence of negative emotions on perception;
• Availability of objective information about the situation;
• The significance of the subjects’ goals in the context of the situation;
• Psychological characteristics of the subjects (temperament type, character traits, inclinations, and so on);
• Mental state (stress, health problems, frustration, alcohol or drug intoxication);
• The degree of misunderstanding between people;
• Dominance in the minds of opponents of the “aggressive concept of the environment”;
• Negative attitude formed towards the opponent;
• Stereotypes and irrational ideas, our expectations of what others and the world in general should be like.

Part One: Conflict Prevention

Preventing (or forewarning) conflicts is an activity aimed at creating and strengthening special living conditions that help eliminate the possibility of conflicts themselves.

Conflict prevention measures can be taken by:

• People who want to protect themselves and their interests from participating in a conflict, and also avoid the role of an accomplice in a conflict situation;
• People who want to help other people and prevent a conflict situation from arising, confident that they will not have to be directly involved in it.

How effective conflict prevention efforts will be depends on a number of factors and obstacles encountered along the way. As a rule, in life it is not always possible to achieve the required result, which is due to reasons that are both subjective and objective.

Subjective reasons that prevent conflict prevention depend mainly on a person’s personal characteristics and his ability to predict the likely results of his actions.

EXAMPLE: There is a certain category of people who have the habit of diluting their leisure time (read: having fun) by consciously or unconsciously provoking conflicts with other people. There are also people who experience a special kind of discomfort in everyday situations and gravitate toward stressful situations, thereby causing their occurrence. Qualities such as disrespect for others, boasting, rudeness, the desire to demonstrate superiority and others like them in any case serve as catalysts for problems for people and reduce the very possibility of preventing conflicts to a minimum.

Objective reasons that impede the prevention of conflicts are characterized by the intervention of strangers in the situation and can be very diverse. Such obstacles include:

Obstacles of a socio-psychological nature;

EXAMPLE: Usually, the interaction of people is built by them independently, and the intervention of outsiders is perceived as an intrusive influence and is considered undesirable.

Obstacles of a moral nature;

EXAMPLE: Situations often arise when people view conflict as an exclusively private phenomenon. Here, forcing the parties to agree may simply be unethical.

Legal obstacles;

EXAMPLE: Such phenomena as forcing a person to do something, infringement of individual rights can often arise from the best intentions. However, they may well be illegal and at odds with the law.

Any outside intervention in a conflict can occur and is possible only when the situation worsens, goes beyond the scope of personal or group interaction and transforms into a socially dangerous or socially significant phenomenon. In those cases where a conflict can be prevented, conflict prevention technology should be used.

Conflict Prevention Technology

Conflict prevention technology is a set of special techniques, as well as means and methods that influence both the pre-conflict situation and the subjects participating in it.

It is possible to influence a situation that may result in a conflict in the following areas:

• Transform reality according to the expectations of interested parties, thereby neutralizing the subject of potential conflict;
• Transform your personal attitude towards the problematic issue that serves as the basis for confrontation, in other words, influence your own behavior;
• Transform the enemy’s attitude to a problematic issue, in other words, influence his consciousness and behavior.

The most effective method aimed at transforming reality according to the expectations of subjects and preventing a conflict situation can be called maintaining collaborative relationships, because in many cases, pre-conflict interaction between subjects is neutral and sometimes their cooperation is possible. For this reason, special attention should be paid not to destroy existing relationships, but also to support and strengthen their constructiveness.

Ways to develop and maintain cooperation

Among the ways to develop and maintain cooperation, there are several main ones:

Psychological "stroking" . Its meaning is that it is necessary to constantly and consistently maintain a good mood, a friendly atmosphere, and positive emotions. This method allows for emotional relief, arousing a feeling of sympathy, and relieving tension, which will seriously complicate the emergence of a conflict.

EXAMPLE: Anniversaries, presentations, corporate events, trainings, etc.

Psychological mood. This method implies a diverse and positive impact on the opponent.

EXAMPLE: Informing the opponent about possible changes in the situation, predicting the consequences and tuning in to them, jointly discussing possible results, etc.

Sharing of merit. Most effective in a team environment. This method helps to neutralize envy, resentment, as well as other negative emotions and phenomena that can provoke conflict.

EXAMPLE: All results and merits are divided among all team members (work participants). This happens even if the majority of the credit belongs to one person.

Elimination of social discrimination. In other words, support for equal social status of subjects.

EXAMPLE: The inadmissibility of any kind of superiority of any of the subjects over another/others, the inadmissibility of differentiation and emphasizing differences between people.

Mutual complement. The essence of the method is to create conditions and situations in which it is necessary to use the opponent’s traits, characteristics, abilities, etc. in joint interaction. - everything that one of the subjects does not possess. In this way, you can easily avoid conflict situations, make relationships stronger and at the same time benefit for yourself.

EXAMPLE: Joint completion of tasks and implementation of projects, sports competitions, team games, etc.

Preserving the partner's reputation. The main idea here is the postulate: “A competitor is not necessarily an enemy.” Any opponent can be worthy of respectful treatment.

EXAMPLE: Emphasizing the authority and status of the opponent as one’s own; focusing on the positive qualities of the opponent, etc.

Practical empathy . This method is a psychological adjustment to the opponent, and is also expressed in non-aggression, the absence of groundless hostility.

EXAMPLE: Putting yourself in the position of a partner, understanding his problems and difficulties, projecting his situation onto himself, expressing sympathy, and being ready to help.

Agreement. The presented method can be characterized as involving a potential rival in your business, introducing him to the course of events, which helps eliminate conflicting interests and creates common ones.

EXAMPLE: Negotiations, official and informal meetings aimed at finding compromises and mutually beneficial conditions, refusal to fight.

The above methods are ideal for use in practice and are actively used by both ordinary people and specialists in the field of communication and conflict management. They can be used in absolutely any area of ​​life and activity, from family life and relationships with friends, to professional activities and relationships with business partners.

In addition to the first part, it is also worth mentioning the regulatory procedures for resolving conflict situations.

Regulatory procedures for resolving conflict situations

Regulatory procedures for resolving conflict situations imply special mechanisms aimed at regulating conflicts and pre-conflict situations with the assistance of political, religious, moral, legal and other types of norms.

The effectiveness of such conflict prevention procedures depends on the attitude of society and various government agencies to existing norms and the consistency of their implementation.

The difference between the normative regulation of conflicts and similar institutions operating temporarily is that they make the system more stable and determine the procedure for the development and resolution of conflict situations in its long-term aspect.

EXAMPLE: In order to prevent conflict situations in many countries today, the practice of including in official documents (treaties, agreements, etc.) concluded between organizations and/or people and other organizations, special clauses, which stipulate in detail the behavior of subjects in the event of any kind of controversial situations. In addition, this not only makes it possible to regulate the behavior of subjects, but also prevents the occurrence of spontaneous conflicts and keeps subjects from rash actions.

But no matter what the prospects are, no matter what methods of preventing conflicts are used by the people involved in the interaction, the likelihood of a conflict situation arising is very high, as can be judged at least by news reports, strained relations between states, and simply by pictures from our real life . And in cases where it is no longer possible to prevent a conflict, conflict management methods come to the rescue.

On this note, we, in fact, move on to the second part of our lesson.

2

Basic Elements of Conflict Management

• Diagnostics – identification of necessary signs of conflict;
• Forecasting is an informed guess about the possible occurrence and development of a conflict;
• Prevention – organization of production processes that eliminates or minimizes the likelihood of destructive conflicts;
• Settlement is the agreement of the parties or the result of organized inducement or coercion of one of the opponents to one or another course of action, compliance with certain “rules of the game” without eliminating the causes of the conflict;
• Resolution - determination of existing disagreements and positions of participants, ending the confrontation by coordinating the interests of the parties, leading to a stable balance in relations that satisfies both parties.

Behavior in conflicts

Tactics of behavior in conflict

In any conflict, it is important that the parties obtain the so-called Win/Win position; both sides must win. This can only be achieved by cooperating or compromising on any decision.

Behavior in conflicts

Professional approach to dealing with conflicts

How to manage conflict

Library » Psychology of success » Conflict management

© Nikolay Obozov

Is it possible to avoid conflicts in business or personal relationships? "No!" - any professional psychologist will answer. Conflicts, as an extreme form of resolving contradictions, are inevitable, but they can be managed within certain limits. To do this, you need to learn to distinguish between forms of behavior in conflict and the corresponding outcome options. It is also useful to know the basic rules or ethics of behavior in conflict. Behavior in conflict is very diverse. But what rules must be followed to mitigate the conflict or make it constructive? There are several such rules of behavior in a conflict situation that provide the best way out of an acute situation.

Rule 1: have an open mind towards the initiator of the conflict.

The first rule of behavior in conflict is a fair, unbiased attitude towards the initiator of the conflict. Any interpersonal conflict begins with the fact that a person appears in a couple or group who is dissatisfied with something - this is the initiator of the conflict. It is he who makes demands, claims, grievances and expects his partner to listen to him and change his behavior. After all, how does a partner usually react to the initiator of a conflict? Purely negative. He accuses him of being “again dissatisfied with something, again starting a quarrel over trifles,” that “he is always missing something,” “everything is always wrong for him.” The role of the accused is always unpleasant, therefore, naturally, every normal person tries to avoid it or “prepares to fight back the initiator.”

It should be remembered that the initiator of the conflict, with rare exceptions when it is simply a capricious, uncooperative, “quarrelsome” person, always has personal reasons for “starting a quarrel.” As a rule, behind his dissatisfaction and claims there is a fairly significant reason or personal interest - some state of affairs that does not suit him, burdens him, torments him, causes anxiety or inconvenience.

Thus, in order for the conflict not to go down the “crooked path” from the very first step, it is necessary to treat the initiator of the conflict fairly and patiently: do not immediately condemn, do not dismiss, do not scold, but carefully and listen to him as kindly as possible.

Rule 2: do not expand the subject of the dispute.

The second rule of behavior in conflict is to identify the subject of the conflict and not expand it. The subject is understood as the reason for the partner’s dissatisfaction: what specifically does not suit him, what does he not like in the behavior of the other? The initiator of the conflict must also observe this rule, i.e. clearly and clearly formulate, first of all, for himself, what does not suit him and irritates him in the other. Then fully and clearly state the reason for your complaints.

Often, quarreling people do not know how to follow this rule. Vague irritation with something is poorly realized and is presented in the form of a spoiled mood. In this case, partners get bogged down in vague accusations, nagging, jabs and even insults, through which the “accused” does not see the essence of the quarrel.

I’ll give an example of a telephone conversation in the office: “Aren’t you talking too loudly on the phone?” And further, “expanding the subject”: “For some reason everyone should work, but you should talk?!” Not only did the initiator expand the subject of the conflict, he actually insulted the “accused.” The assessment of hard work already concerns the area of ​​business and personal qualities of the accused, and if he is in a bad mood and, in addition, has a practical personality type, he will move to a “frontal” defense or to a “frontal attack” on the offender.

In a marital conflict, the wife formulates the subject quite precisely; "I don't want you smoking in the room." But he immediately adds: “And in general, be more careful, you always wrinkle your clothes, stain your chair with ashes.” She expanded the subject of the conflict: she added several more claims, in addition to a personal one: “You have become somehow sloppy.” When several accusations fall on a person at once, it is difficult for him to assimilate them and take note of them. When there are many subjects of conflict, the spouses cannot deal with any of them in detail and meaningfully, a “jam of problems” is created, the quarrel inevitably drags on and “there is no end in sight.”

So, the second rule of conduct in conflict “clarification of the subject of the conflict and not expanding the number of subjects” should include “reducing the number of claims at once.” The danger of expanding the number of claims is that the accused gets the impression of absolute guilt in everything that happens to the initiator of the conflict.

Another consequence of the expansion in the number of claims may be increased irritation of the accused, who does not know how to “please the initiator,” and is it even necessary to do this if “everything is so bad”?! For example, the conflict began over a loud conversation on the phone, then moved on to something else, a report was not given on time, the “idleness” of the accused, etc. was remembered. And then the initiator said everything that had accumulated in his soul,” and the accused, driven to the extreme, also “didn’t remain in debt,” and laid it all out straight “regardless of faces.”

Associated with the second rule of behavior in conflict is the psychological ability of some individuals, who are often non-conflict by nature, to restrain themselves and avoid conflict. Sooner or later, mentally accumulating small grievances form a “snowball” that is difficult to stop. The opportunity that presents itself will reveal so many grievances and omissions that it will be simply impossible to cope with the conflict.

That is why the outcome of the conflict such as “smoothing out” and especially “leaving” is not recommended. They can leave the initiator and the accused with grievances in the form of unresolved contradictions. Various mental associations, gradually accumulating, overgrown with details of other clashes and omissions even with other people, will cause a generalization of the subject of the conflict and, most importantly, the emotional involvement of the accused and the initiator will increase. Here, another danger awaits the participants - partners of the conflict - to draw a hasty conclusion about the appropriateness of these relations in general.

Thus, quite often among young spouses, “marriage and divorce” can become an ordinary, commonplace thing. The ease with which young spouses talk about divorce is not so harmless. At first half-jokingly, and then seriously, accumulated grievances and omissions lead to hasty conclusions and decisions. It is well known from various areas of human practical activity that it is easier to destroy than to build and, especially, anew. The same is true in interpersonal relationships: one should not rush to conclusions about the meaning of specific relationships - comradely, friendly, friendly and especially marital.

Psychological research shows that only the presence of all types of relationships provides an individual with harmonious development, life satisfaction, and optimism. It is easier for an active person to establish relationships in new circumstances, although he cannot provide himself with all types of relationships in these conditions. An introverted, uncommunicative person also makes it easier to get by with a minimum of contacts and relationships. But it is absolutely impossible to form family, parental, marital and friendly relationships in the same capacity.

Neglect of friendly and comradely relationships affects not only the reputation of the individual, but, ultimately, creates an internal barrier of inability to maintain relationships. As a result, the individual develops a trait such as suspicion in relationships with other people. She focuses her attention on failures in relationships with people, often doubts the sincerity of any relationship, and is overly critical and even negative in assessing the behavior of others. Losing various contacts and relationships due to his suspicion and distrust, such a person isolates himself even more.

Rule 3: strive for a positive solution to the conflict.

The third rule of behavior in conflict is the formulation of a positive solution to an acute situation. This will force the initiator, firstly, to mentally weigh all the pros and cons of the accusation; secondly, calculate the possible consequences of the conflict for relationships; and thirdly, to think for the accused himself about his preferred outcome of the conflict. All together this can: reduce the potential for negative tension of the initiator, expand his understanding of the subject and feasibility of the conflict, and feel like he is in the role of the accused. For example: “I have a really bad headache today, and if possible, speak a little lower.” The initiator seems to find an extraneous reason forcing him to make a claim, which weakens the tension of the situation.

An unobtrusive appeal to well-being also helps to mitigate the conflict, for example, this variant of the initiator’s behavior: “You know, while you talk, I’ll go to the next department on business.”

A positive solution to a marital conflict can proceed like this. The wife, dissatisfied with her husband’s smoking in the room, suggests: “I understand that it’s hard for you to quit smoking, but I can’t stand tobacco smoke well, maybe you’ll smoke in the kitchen? Then the room will maintain clean air, and you will not worsen your comfort.”

To avoid a quarrel in a conflict situation, the accused needs to clarify the subject of the contradictions, localize the causes of discontent and invite the conflict initiator to suggest a positive way out.

Another option for the development of the conflict. In the room, the husband reads or writes, the wife listens to music. “Turn off the radio,” is how he formulates his desired outcome of the situation. This is exactly what he expects and demands; this outcome suits him. But, at the same time, it is unclear whether the music interferes with concentration or is it just a whim of the husband? With the correct tactics of behavior, the “accused” clarifies the subject of a possible conflict: “Does the music bother you at all at the moment or, if it was played quietly, would you be able to continue your activity?”

Rule 4: control your emotions.

The fourth rule of behavior in conflict concerns the emotional side of the dispute. Often, conflicting partners are able to correctly determine the subject of the conflict, treat fairly the rights of the initiator, express their demands, and outline the outcome of the conflict, but the entire tone of the conversation sometimes nullifies these achievements. As a rule, the conflicting parties experience emotional tension at the time of the conflict. Their statements are categorical, categorical, and demanding.

Often the initiator of the conflict begins the “offensive” in a raised voice, without choosing any expressions. Sometimes, in familiar relations at work, rudeness towards each other becomes the norm. And if men tolerate vulgar expressions more easily, then they simply insult women. A natural reaction to any tactless and rude attack from the initiator may be the response of the accused: “Are you, in fact, talking to me in such a tone?” Moreover, such a mistake by the initiator allows the partner to completely avoid the dispute in the most “honest” way”: “I can’t stand rudeness and shouting, once you cool down, then maybe we’ll talk, but maybe not!” And the accused will be right in his own way.

Therefore, the most mandatory condition for a dispute or a clash is the most calm and even tone of statements, accuracy and thoughtfulness of words. It is necessary to speak in such a way that in the voice and words there is not even a hint of irritation, anger, reproach, or insult to the partner. In a word, the form of the dispute should be “a business conversation between business people.”

It is appropriate, in connection with the tone of the debate, to mention the form of address “You”. In the Russian literary language, in business relations it is customary to address people not as “you”, but as “Vy”. Moreover, it is no coincidence that “You” is written with a capital letter, which indicates a respectful and distant attitude. In general, the form of address “You” carries a large regulatory load in interpersonal relationships. The desire to break social, age, and role barriers in relationships is misinterpreted by people in everyday life, when they, neglecting the remote form of “You,” often find themselves in difficulty. Thus, having broken the distance in official and professional relationships, the boss is surprised when a subordinate behaves “too loosely” in a conflict.

There is a certain selectivity in establishing relationships between “you” and “you”. Persons with good self-control and self-regulation easily, depending on the situation, move from one distance to another. But there are also people who strive in every possible way to reduce the distance in relationships, which supposedly gives them the right to behave “like their own people” in an official setting. In these cases, the distance can be increased unilaterally by switching to “You” in any situation. The distance is also increased by avoiding conversations on any personal topics. Of course, the form of addressing “You” is acceptable in business and official relationships, but it will also look pretentious and even funny in personal and family relationships.

Rule 5: Be tactful in an argument.

And finally, the fifth and most important rule: avoid conflicts that affect an individual’s self-esteem. Complaints about a loud telephone conversation should not be allowed to turn into personal insults. For example: “You don’t just talk loudly, but you are a talker and don’t want to work. You live by the principle “what would you do to do nothing!” Conflicts over trifles, unfortunately, often flare up in transport, when one, unexpected jolt in a crowded carriage is enough for personal insults to rain down. And then the mood is spoiled for a long time, it is transferred to the work environment, to the house - the circle of insults for everyone and everything closes . Often, even adults retain “childish egocentrism,” when any conflicts with any people are perceived as purely personal.

“Children’s egocentrism - infantilism” is especially sensitive to minor troubles. All it takes is a push in transport, a careless word at work or at home - and your pride is hurt, although it may have absolutely nothing to do with it. But the “offended” person is ready to fight back “in full form.” Very easily, each specific offender becomes the embodiment of evil, dissatisfaction with him develops into a generalized assessment of his belonging to a certain gender, age, profession, education, nationality. Thus, an accidental offender - a man - in the eyes of a woman can personify the entire masculine gender (rude, selfish, “ungentlemanly”). A woman who accidentally hurts a man’s pride embodies all women who only exist to annoy men (“All of you...”)

By subject, conflicts can be divided into “business” and “personal”. A business conflict is based on different attitudes towards certain things, third parties, and ways of behavior. He is always specific: “I don’t want you... smoking in the room, dating this guy, playing the tape recorder so loudly, throwing your things around, etc.” In the production sector, a business conflict may begin like this: “You must follow safety rules, otherwise an accident is possible, and you will be a victim or guilty of what may happen,” “You must observe labor discipline.” All business conflicts are based on the principle of obligation, the need to comply with certain rules of business relations.

Personal conflicts are always less specific, and the complaint is directed not at specific behavior, but at the partner’s personality as a whole. An example of family and marital conflicts: “I’m tired of your tediousness. You are so uncollected. You always lie to me. You are a very rude person, etc.” In the business sphere of relations, the initiator of the conflict also gives a generalized assessment of the personality of the culprit: “You are a completely lazy person.” “Your stupidity amazes me.” “You are too talkative to do anything serious and necessary.” As you can see, the person as a whole is being reproached here; behind the personal claims there is the assessment “You (You) are not good.”

Business conflicts are much easier and easier to resolve. But personal ones - only with difficulty. After all, behind personal claims there is a demand that a person completely or partially change his character, temperament, or even needs. Behavioral habits, one way or another, may have a deep, stable foundation. So, if it is possible to partially correct tastes, attachments, habits, then it is impossible to change the basic needs of the individual, his temperament. In a stressful or conflict situation, the natural characteristics of a person will definitely make themselves known. All this, however, does not mean that a personality, once formed, is no longer capable of changing and improving.

Recommendations to prevent difficulties in relationships.

If circumstances do not make it possible to end any relationship, then you can resort to the most effective method: “talk frankly”, argue reasonably. Such conditions of difficulty are possible in family relationships and cooperative relationships, when a common cause obliges us to interact “against all odds.”

For a reasonable dispute, certain rules must be followed. An “open conversation” should take place at a certain, agreed upon time, and not “on the go,” “by the way.” The spontaneity and thoughtlessness of a rational dispute “will leave everything in its place,” and “there will be a sediment in the soul.” This is what the surveyed and counseled couples told us. It is very important to determine the location of the dispute. It is not good to argue in front of children or parents, or in the presence of guests. In an industrial setting, a business dispute has the same rule: the choice of a time convenient for both parties and the “absence of interested witnesses.”

Before a dispute, the initiator must clearly formulate “what he wants to say” without asking extraneous questions. It is better for both sides to go into an argument with a willingness to find all the best that the other has.

And the main condition is a calm tone and self-suggested motivation for the inevitability of cooperation. You can mentally imagine a desert island where, except for the two of you, there is no one and it is not known when there will be. Naturally, for any normal person the choice of the alternative “conflict - cooperation” will be obvious. And you cannot think that your partner imagines the situation differently. Moreover, sooner or later he can feel the “background” of cooperation rather than rivalry.

In an interpersonal conflict, especially in the family, household, partner (marital) sphere, there is not only the right side and only the guilty side. Sometimes a conflict arises due to the fact that one side is overexcited for some reason (difficulties at work, a quarrel with a friend, complications in family relationships), and the other side, instead of “going away” or “smoothing out” the tension, chooses tactics confrontation or coercion. Objectively assessing the situation, the positions of the initiator and the accused are clearly visible. And although the initiator is only in a tense state, the conflict has been revealed and is not directly connected with this particular partner, but supposedly the “accused” is already in a hurry to “take the blow,” instead of taking the conversation in a different direction and giving the initiator the opportunity to discharge himself into “ in a different direction." The practical personality type is more categorical in its judgments, therefore it is more often and straightforward in assessing the situation “either he or I.”

You cannot immediately reject any accusation, even one that seems absurd and unfounded. Any claim of an accomplice (partner) has some basis, or perhaps the conflict has a completely different source. It is important to discuss this issue immediately or agree on a conversation (but in no case a “showdown”) later and in a calmer atmosphere. The tactics of initial rejection, even if only mental, are characteristic of the practical type of personality; the cognitive (thinking) type is more rigid (inflexible), it requires time to think or clarify the controversial points of the contradiction that has arisen.

It is necessary to remember that everyone is an individual and therefore it is sometimes difficult for us to resolve contradictions that arise in relationships. He (the other) is just a little different from us, and this may cause disagreement. When we encounter other people, we discover similarities and differences in points of view, emotional states, and behavior. Similarity causes satisfaction, but temporary, then indifference and even boredom may set in. Difference creates tension, but it also allows for interest in individuals different from our own. Collaboration is facilitated by finding similarities between “I” and “he” (or “she”).

It is wrong to believe that life is pure pleasure, without any problems, obstacles, or complications. It is also not true that the other person should always only be pleasant and sympathetic to us. This must be remembered especially when difficulties or difficulties arise in interpersonal relationships. The presence of contradictions and even conflicts is inevitable, but the main thing is not to rush to conclusions about “to be or not to be a relationship.”

It is unacceptable, in conditions of any tension in relations, disagreement, to make generalizations such as: “All men”, “All women”, “Everything that generally interferes with life”. Such generalizations are not limited only to the mentally accepted position, but an assessment of the situation is given and our emotions are included, further strengthening the generalizations, consolidating them in the form of a persistently experienced conflict.

One cannot think that a conflict, once resolved, will not arise again. After all, the formation of optimal relationships is associated with the development of new personality traits, for example, compliance, tolerance for the mistakes of others, etc. It takes patience and time to bring communication abilities “to perfection”, which suits both parties.

It must be remembered that the closer the relationship, for example, marital, the more difficult it becomes in cases of difficulties. Friendship and love relationships oblige us to little, but they are also more superficial and unreliable, just like friendly relationships that bind us to one common cause. True, existing administrative legislation and industrial discipline regulate relationships, but the problem of personal relationships does not completely disappear. Hidden difficulties remain here too. It is important to resolve them correctly for the good of the common cause.

It is useful to alternate the time of communication with each other and isolation from each other, which is especially important for close family and marital relationships. For each, for example, married couple, there is an optimal ratio of communication and isolation, but it must be there, since it makes it possible to better feel the personal uniqueness and originality of the partner. After all, in order for there to be interest in each other, personality development is necessary. Without internal work on oneself, a person becomes ordinary and uninteresting. Of course, in the early stages of our relationship it is difficult to exhaust spiritual and emotional values ​​in a short time. But constant, day after day, communication reduces the “newness” of relationships. The effect of monotony is also known, which manifests itself not only in monotonous work, but also in human relationships.

We must remember that men and women are differently sensitive to the assessment of their personality. So, if a woman is more sensitive to assessments of her appearance and attractiveness, then men value most of all their business qualities and the ability to solve practical, life problems. By slightly overestimating these qualities, we will not go far from the truth. It is no coincidence that they say that a woman becomes a woman next to a man, and a man becomes next to a woman. It is necessary to accumulate a “baggage” of positive memories about each other, this will play a positive role in conditions of tension and conflict. At such moments, it is better to remember not the worst, but the best moments of past relationships.

The relationships of friendship, partnership and marriage cannot be idealized. Neither the first, nor the second, nor the third can completely solve our internal difficulties. Only the diversity of relationships provides confidence and optimism in life. Also unreasonable is the cynicism and vulgarity of relationships, from which, like a cancerous disease, not only they themselves, but also the personality are destroyed. The principle here is: “What goes around comes around!”

Do not try to completely “remake” or re-educate each other at work, at home, in the family. It’s better to engage in self-education - it will help you personally and will not cause protest or hostility from others. High demands on yourself, first of all, and then on others. This does not mean that you always have to blame only yourself for everything. There is a category of shy, insecure people. For greater confidence, they should, having overcome themselves, believe in their capabilities, find the strength to change others, although this is not easy, since they became insecure due to their upbringing, when they were too often underestimated and their initiative was suppressed.

Shy people need to constantly improve themselves and become more involved in active social work, which gives them the opportunity to contact different people with different styles of behavior and communication. All this will expand the range of knowledge, skills, and communication skills. The art of communication is born only in the practice of joint work (educational, labor, social).

The desire to “show yourself”, to flaunt your merits, does not always have a favorable effect on others. It is no coincidence that we ridicule fanfare and posturing. The ability to be considerate of others pays off handsomely. The ability to listen and sympathize always wins over others. After all, more often than not you want to share with someone, you want sympathy, complicity.

Trust and distrust are one of the most important personality traits that determine one’s interpersonal comfort. Excessive and constant gullibility is a sign of inexperience and vulnerability of the individual. But the worst thing is suspicion of everything. The distrust of one, especially the leader, almost always gives rise to the distrust of subordinates. Without mutual trust, people would never be able to agree on anything. And how we value trust in us!

The last and perhaps most significant point is that relationships require a lot of work to maintain. But they don’t write about this in textbooks, no one teaches this. Meanwhile, it is easier to destroy than to build again. In the work collective and in the personal, family and everyday spheres, daily work is required to manage relationships. In business relationships, the motto should be cooperation on a principled business basis. In these conditions, disputes are necessary for the sake of a common cause. Without them, a business partnership relationship can turn into a personal friendship relationship. Cooperation will be replaced by community. In personal relationships, the motto will be community, for the sake of preserving the relationship, and not for the sake of business.

If cooperation exists only for business, then community is to preserve feelings of personal affection, but regardless of the type of relationship, their labor intensity is the same. In educational and work activities, the progress of technology, technology, and labor rationalization is noticeable. In the area of ​​human relations, difficulties do not completely disappear. And the next generation, and each person resolves them in his own way, fights again and again.

Prepared by: Igor Molchanov

Tips for Conflict-Free Selling

1. You should see personality and individuality in each client;
2. Try to understand the client's personal needs by asking open-ended questions. For example, “What is important to you when choosing this service or product? What are you paying attention to?” By answering these questions, the client will definitely show his individual needs, without knowing which, you will not be able to convince him of anything;
3. Before you start making a presentation, make sure you have correctly identified the client's needs. To do this, it is enough to clarify or summarize his answers;
4. Don't try to convince a person if you don't understand or know what he really wants to get from the product or service;
5. Don't rush anywhere, be consistent. When interacting with a client, the sale should first of all be in the form of a dialogue. Don't try to tell the client everything you know. You will make a favorable impression only if you listen to the client, understand and tell him what he wants to hear.

If we talk about conflicts that arise in work processes, then try to think and act several steps ahead. The basis of any conflict situation lies in a disagreement of interests. Try to understand what your opponent needs and compare it with your interests.

Thanks to this work done in advance, you can be prepared for the development of any situation and will most likely be able to avoid conflict.

Subscribe to blog news to be the first to receive the latest articles!

Effective ways to manage conflicts.

Derive the “arithmetic mean” of similar conflict situations.

When a quarrel happens in life, it seems easier to walk away, forget, harboring a grudge in your soul. But similar situations happen regularly. Gradually you notice that the scenery and opponents are changing, but you still stand in place. Perhaps it's not about others, but about you.

Similar conflict situations mean one thing - you are doing something wrong in your life. And while you don’t realize this, similar cases, replicated as carbon copies, will “pound” you in the head. Try not to immerse yourself in events , but to discern a certain system. Sometimes just awareness is enough for higher powers to understand: you have learned your lesson, you don’t have to repeat the exam. But more often than not you still have to act.

How it works? For example, your neighbors are constantly making noise. You remain silent for a week, a month (you don’t want to get involved), then you decide to talk to them. You start the conversation calmly and quickly get a promise to be quieter. And everything really calms down. Inspired by your victory, you come to work and start the conversation you've always been avoiding. Without waiting for a situation when the “lid of anger” is already completely blown away.

Don’t break yourself, but use the characteristics of your character.

Is conflict not your thing? Alas, there is no escape from it. If we can get away from annoying acquaintances or the next party, then we often find ourselves drawn into confrontation against our will. Gradually, this situation becomes more burdensome than the need to get involved in an unpleasant quarrel.

An expressive extrovert is difficult to negotiate in an open confrontation . “Northerners” cannot endlessly carry nonsense linked into sentences just to occupy the airwaves. A calm person needs more time to think about a clear answer and select arguments. But sometimes you need to stop listening and start talking. If you don’t know how to quickly counter with facts and quotes, there are a few phrases that will help you beautifully wrap up the topic and avoid the need for a quick answer:

• I need to take a break...
• I'm not ready to answer your question right now...
• Let's discuss this in a calm atmosphere...

How it works? All three phrases can be ended with the words “...I need to think.” The word “think” is the key word here. Still, management and colleagues respect thinking employees. You are not playing the role of a silent dummy, but you are not playing on someone else’s field either. You are ready for dialogue, but not for endless shaking of air. Prepare your arguments and act. In a calm environment, not a single “southerner” will overtake you.

Don't assert, but ask questions.

Getting to the bottom of the conflict is finding the key to solving it. Sometimes we are so immersed in our own problems that we start arguing before we even listen to our opponent. We concentrate on the fact that they want to offend us, burden us with additional work, or convict us of incompetence. This attitude immediately starts a chain reaction of aggression.

Try to listen to your opponent and understand his point of view. Do not interrupt at least until he stops talking to take a breath. If you do not agree with his point of view, start the dialogue with the phrase :

• Did I understand you correctly that...
• Do you really think that...
• Why do you think the best solution would be...

At the same time, you should avoid the words “never” and “always”, which force your opponent to defend himself. Better ask questions until you get to the bottom of it.

How it works? By asking questions, you seem to pull your opponent into your conflict territory and, at the same time, show respect for his problem. Correctly posed questions will help him understand the absurdity, inappropriateness of a request or claim. Or you will come to a common decision together. This way you will communicate that you do not neglect the request, respect the opinion and are ready to cooperate. Respect for yourself and your opponent, willingness to cooperate are the main killers of any conflict.

Take a personality type test

Don't argue alone, look for allies.

In companies with an extensive hierarchy, the “transfer rule” sometimes works. It works like this: “someone” conflicts with your manager and transfers the same attitude to you. It’s even worse when this “someone” comes to you to solve work issues that, according to your rank, are supposed to be resolved with your boss. If you start arguing, your opponent, charged with negativity, begins to put pressure. That's it, conflict is inevitable.

The first thing that saves you from confrontation is the phrase “I’m afraid this is not in my competence.” Sometimes it’s easier to say it than to deal with the consequences.

The second thing that helps is contacting your immediate supervisor. Perhaps your boss is already “itching” to get even with your offender. So you will immediately kill two birds with one stone - avoid a quarrel and emphasize respect for the boss.

Third , contact his immediate superior. This is an extreme case, but sometimes you have to let go of the myths about your own lack of conflict rather than chew the situation over and over again.

How it works? You are slowly getting rid of the shell of your own closedness. Don't want to go to the boss? Find allies among your employees. Don't like meaningless conversations in the smoking room? Make it clear which side you're on.

Study, study and study again.

Winning an argument is a real art. If you decide to master conflict resolution methods, there is no need to reinvent the wheel. It’s one thing to look like a winner in the eyes of others, it’s another thing to be one. In a time when there was no television or Internet, the ability to manage conflict was a mandatory personal quality for a leader. How can you convince people to follow you? Defeat your opponents in an open debate.

Eristics is the ancient science of the ability to refute the opponent’s arguments and defend one’s interests. Even ancient Greek philosophers dedicated treatises to him, Schopenhauer wrote a book about it. There are published biographies, autobiographies of generals, rulers, and businessmen. While you are studying them, you can stock up on useful quotes that will always help you out in difficult times.

Your career directly depends on how you behave during conflict. Avoiding an unpleasant situation will save you from stress, but in the future this behavior will become a losing one. If you are focused on career growth, there is only one way out: mastering conflict management means being ready for any challenge.

Take the selfishness test